Stack OverflowWhat is your best programmer joke?
[+831] [544] hmason
[2008-10-24 15:43:35]
[ fun ]

When I teach introductory computer science courses, I like to lighten the mood with some humor. Having a sense of fun about the material makes it less frustrating and more memorable, and it's even motivating if the joke requires some technical understanding to 'get it'!

I'll start off with a couple of my favorites:

Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

And the classic:

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

I'm always looking for more of these, and I can't think of a better group of people to ask. What are your best programmer/computer science/programming jokes?

Removed "Joke" tag, there is already a "Jokes" (with only one question), IMOHO we don't need either, i think "Fun" should be enough. - Aardvark
(3) Tag nazi?! Hahaha - Richie_W
(2) Should be a community wiki question. - Graeme Perrow
(1) I just re-tagged over 50 questions today, maybe I am a tag nazi... I see Jokes is back... FINE! ;) - Aardvark
(13) Godwin's law! Godwin's law! - Erik Forbes
(1) Close this question please, not related to programming. - zamfir
Peeps - close the question or mark it offensive as this is site-spam. sigh at all these offtopic and only slightly related 'questions' - Pure.Krome
(46) please do NOT close this. this is so fun haha - Johannes Schaub - litb
(7) ow is this site spam? The questioner is a CS teacher, and has an utterly valid reason for wanting to collect 'programmer' jokes. I bet you 'close this question' demanders are really fun people to be around. - defmeta
(1) I don't get the halloween/christmas joke - hasen j
I don't get it either - Jader Dias
(146) hahaha I understand now Octal 31 is equal to Decimal 25 - Jader Dias
(1) This question has lived a useful life. It now has so many answers that people aren't reading them all before contributing their answer, leading to many, many duplicates. Voting for close, let it go the way of all the bits... - Adam Davis
(17) Subjective is a reason for closing? Does that mean that every question with a "Subjective" tag is going to be closed now? Or is argumentative the only reason for closing? When comments and answers are argumentative, the question gets blamed? - Windows programmer
(2) This thread gets closed for "subjective and argumentative" but the cartoon one doesn't? My stack is overflown.… - Boon
(1) When this question got closed, another one just like it got opened:…. It's obvious that people like reading and posting jokes, so I vote for keeping it open (and closing the other one as exact duplicate). - Sandman
(2) This question shows that this website is broken, as this is open, yet other valid off-topic questions are closed/insulted. - EnderMB
(31) I don't think this question is doing any harm. If you don't like jokes, don't view it! The clue's in the title. - MarkJ
Go the jokes!… - CRice
(10) We will reopen this question every time... - Andrew Moore… - Sridhar Ratnakumar
(2) I don't think this question is subjective at all. It <i>is<i> related to programming, after all... - baeltazor
Dupe post! Exact same question at… - waqasahmed
What happened to that "yoyo" tag? - Windows programmer
(3) "no longer relevant" - what's that supposed to mean? - Vijay Dev
Good question... it was never relevant to begin with - skaffman
(1) I remove the tag "not programming related" - The most of the jokes are about programming!!! - backslash17
the second one cracks me up :) - stefita
People that wan't this closed must have no sense of humour. It's really annoying how some people race to pompously say a question isn't programming related. If you're too "mature" for jokes or something, then don't view this question. - Mk12
This is a really good one. - Colour Blend
Thanks for opening this thread. - Dr. Xray
[+1690] [2008-10-24 17:07:26] Gulzar

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

(31) I was going to add that one, but I was too lazy to type it all out... - James Curran
(1) laughing my ass off - Mike Akers
(17) I've heard a variant of this one where the balloonist assumes he's in Redmond based on the uselessness of the response. - rmeador
(1) The variant I heard had the balloonist floating through thick fog. Then a office building looms out of the mist. In the office, one man is working late, typing away on a computer. The balloonist calls out to him... - Anthony
(2) I also only knew the shorter Redmond variant until now. This one's much better :) - OregonGhost
(9) this is one version of the old microsoft - Gulzar
(182) "And you got there just by hot air..." - Andre Bossard
(1) I loved this one so much I had it as my signature for a while! A little too long for a signature, yes, I know. - matt_dev
(1) This one is good! - Endlessdeath
(1) Love it! Cant stop laughing! - Nahom Tijnam
(19) A philosopher walks past, wonders what field they're talking about, and resumes pondering the nature of "up". - Groxx
(1) Fav'ed this question for this one joke ALONE! Damn good one! - maksymko
(1) Hey, someone finally beat the "feature" answer! - gnovice
(1) I still have my printout of this joke from a magazine back in the 90s! Love it. - eduncan911
(1) Very Very Very True...This depicts real time scenario going on in I.T. Industry - Rachel
(1) So true and so good.. - crosenblum
(2) This one is going to get 1337 votes! I wonder if something happens then... - bddckr
Nice reply...!!! - Bragboy
Why does the IT guy assume that the spy doesn't know where he's going? - intuited
The best way to up your rating on SO: Take up an old joke, remove some originals, add geeky new characters, post it here. It's anybody's guess why software re-engineering is in so much demand these days. :D - Anchit
Real geeks don't care for SO ratings. - jase21
I heard this as an IBM joke years ago - before anyone had heard of Microsoft. (Yes, dating myself!) - mm2001
[+1440] [2008-10-24 15:58:11] Galwegian

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

very long pause….



(5) Pow! Right in the kisser! - Maxim
Haha, a new classic. - The Wicked Flea
bwahahahaha! love it! - Steven A. Lowe
I'm definitely using that one :) - Mike Akers
(5) Its funny because its true. - Jason Jackson
(1) Man, you made my day with this one! :) - ya23
(2) I don't get it :-( - Orion Edwards
(1) java is slow! (not true actually, but its funny tho!) - Chii
(94) Took me a while as I'm running on Java :) - Goran
(8) its not funny because its not true - Mark
(1) that definetly got to be flagged as offensive :) - Frederic Morin
(3) JIT pause gags could be a completely new genre. - Calum
(1) Yes it is true, and you know it. You java-sympathizers. - psoul
Snake! Mongoose! - Spencer K
(61) We like to pretend Java is slow because it gives us a reason to hate the language :-P - Dan
HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Made me laugh ;) - Israr Khan
OOOH SNAAAPPP!!! That was funny! :D - Filip Ekberg
(2) true! it's cracking me lol - manetic
(116) It's funny mostly because of the Java programmers whining about it. - finnw
But with the Jit... `) - Liran Orevi
(5) should be modified to PHP which is 20times slower than Java - ivan_ivanovich_ivanoff
(90) Downvote. Recent versions of Java are not slow. You C/C++ people will forever base your opinions on old versions of Java and its VM. - Ricket
(474) Upvote to counter-act your lack of a sense of humor. :) - GMan
(7) Most of this ones upvote's are probably because of Ricket's downvote. - Macha
(2) Upvote for agreeing with TonyF. And also the 60 seconds it takes for Rational Clear Quest eclipse client to load... - Clay
(7) There's lots of things why Java should be hated, but slowness isn't one of them. JVM rocks. - egaga
(4) Java isn't that slow, comparing to other scripting language like Python or Ruby - ZelluX
(3) It was funny... in last century maybe - lispmachine
(8) @zellux - And I'm not slow compared to a really really fat kid... - SnOrfus
I was attending NEJUG meeting at Sun Microsystems in Burlington ,MA They had a teller machine to check yourself in Some of us chose that while others were getting checked in manually by a person. The machine was so slow !!!! And we were all joking - its because that has been coded in java :) - RN
I thought that was a 2 in 1. 1 the JVM beeing considered slow...obvious for programmers, 2. Java...the hole in the ocean - George Profenza
Flag it . - Click Upvote
AWESOME. me likey - knittl
OMG! this is a great one~~ - user176121
(4) That would've been a great joke 10 yrs ago! - OscarRyz
Should be changed to Python or Ruby these days, but in any case, neither of those languages can make the joke as funny as Java. - MAK
1024 Votes at the time of my viewing - lol - Moshe
Was probably true with early versions of Java. Still, I guess it's funny even if I'm going to make it my main language ;) - James P.
(3) I think most comments miss the point. It is the JVM startup that is (still) slow, especially in very public facing applets. They are working on it: - Yishai
(1) Upvoting this while JBoss takes more than two minutes to startup, after Eclipse took more than one minute to start up :) - Agos
my fav hands down. LOL - TheDarkIn1978
(1) It's absolute truth.I don't know why java guys like the language. - Behrooz
(3) I'm a Java lover and I love this joke. It's soo stoopid but it makes me laugh everytime I hear it. - Cliff
(3) 1337 upvotes. Congrats! - Auguste
I instantly got it since I'm on C and asm ;) - jase21
(2) For Spanish speakers this is even funnier, because "Ya va" is an expression meaning: I know I'm late, please hold on a minute - Eric Fortis
The new version should be : “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” very long pause…. “Eclipse” - Chris
[+1339] [2008-10-24 16:04:38] cjm

It's not a bug...

(43) I won't lie - it took me a second to get this one... :-) - user19371
(3) It took me many more seconds :-) We call it "Maggiolino" - Federico Ramponi
(80) Its not a bug, its a feature. - Brad Gilbert
(160) No, it's a bug that's been mislabeled as a feature. ;) - Robert P
(2) I've also seen /DEV/RX8 and /DEV/BMW driving around. I'm sure there are others along those lines. - Alan Hensel
(37) Doesn't help that we call them "Beetles" in the UK :-) - andygeers
(1) Do we? I call it a bug lol. - Richie_W
(53) This isn't remotely funny. - Rayne
In Sweden that car is called a "bubbla" (bubble) - John Nilsson
(1) This one instantly made my day, very funny! - Quintin Robinson
(3) oh, it's a BUG... blank stare - PintSizedCat
(8) I think that car's only called a "bug" in the USA.... - Jimmy J
(2) why is this the highest voted answer? I don't get, it's not really funny. - hasen j
For english speakers who doesn't know the 'popular' jargon is not easy to catch it (ie: not native people). It will help some text below the photo. - eKek0
(7) I had a prof in college who drove a Renault Le Car with the plate "LA CDR". After I stopped sputtering, we became good friends... but I don't think many people in the real world got the joke. - RBerteig
(1) aaaaahahahahaha - Joel Martinez
(1) Wow. This one answer earned about the same as I've made with 200 answers (28 accepted) and many dozens of hours of work. Obviously I'm picking the wrong questions to answer! - Curt Sampson
(20) @Rayne, is it locally funny? - Don Kirkby
Hahaha! Brad Gilbert, didn't Microsoft use that? "It's not a bug, it's a feature!" LOL Funny thing is... I've recently used that as an excuse and it actually worked! - baeltazor
(1) I thought it was Volkswagen with Feature ? :) - nightingale2k1
(1) Wait, you mean Americans call this car "bug"? How are other people supposed to get it? - hasen j
(1) It's not only called "bug" in the USA. - dbkk
(1) That's not a joke. - Loadmaster
Link broken :( . - mnml
(4) Its a bug thats been around so long its become a feature :) - user20358
You have to give this one a little credit: it's a classic. Seriously, it's been making the rounds for at least 15 years. It's practically an internet relic by now. - Frank Farmer
Its called a Bug in Australia, UK, etc its in the popular lexicon, putting text below just ruins the joke. If you don't get it you will after a single google search. - Anonymous Type
I used my last vote of the day for this one. But it was worth it. ^^ - gablin
Rolled back to V 1 as image was not visible in other versions. - akjoshi
@akjoshi, maybe you have some image blocking software, or your ISP is blocking the link. I checked, and the tinypic URL is still valid. - cjm
@cjm : Yes you are right, its due to some blocking. But still I would like to revert it to first version as same would be the case with many others too, a lot of websites are blocked in companies now a days. - akjoshi
@Rayne: Why do you lack a sense of humor. Please sudo apt-get install it now. - inspectorG4dget
(1) This has one upvote for almost every reputation point that I have - inspectorG4dget
You know, I think this is funny even if you don't know that Beetles are called Bugs in the US. The yellow hatch not matching the rest of the car, but having "feature" on it, seems to me to be "a feature, not a bug." lol - Andrew
[+1165] [2008-10-24 17:03:41] Adam Neal

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

(594) That one's so stupid it underflows and becomes awesome - Mike Akers
Awesome, never heard that one before. - robsoft
This one actually made me laugh out loud! - Fry
I'm up-voting this because it's a new one for me. - Barry Brown
That is now in my top ten list. Thanks for the laugh! - Rick
(2) That joke is spectacular! I'm going to tell it as often as I think people will get it - rwmnau
(2) @rwmnau: no, I think you should actually tell the joke. - MusiGenesis
(33) I liked @Mike Akers' comment above as much as the joke itself! - Jon Schneider
@mike: underflow!! LOL - Mauricio Scheffer
(1) That joke is so bad I have to give it an up-vote. - tpower
(13) I'm pretty sure it's the first comment on this answer which is the actual joke. - Justice
Came here to post this one. You've won this time ;) - Logan Capaldo
(4) As I look at this answer I see it has been upvoted 666 times. Fitting that it is a SQL joke! - objektivs
That's a good one! :D - Cshift3iLike
(22) A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?", "yes naturally". - Jonathan Swift
(2) "Yes, naturally", said the first table. The other one left. - erikric
"Do you join both ways?" - Paul Williams
(3) To which the one of the tables replies, "No, but you can enjoy the view!" - Ryan Hayes
left outer join? - Behrooz
I really like this one - Phil
[+1046] [2008-10-25 17:43:16] RoadWarrior

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

(1) awesome! awesome! awesome!awesome! awesome! - Asher
(3) It's just not for everyone. 0.o - BFreeman
(36) +1 because its one I've used in arguments :-D The best thing about Java programmers is its easy to wind them up. - Dan
(59) Wow. I'm laughing out loud and can't tell the person next to me why. - Joseph
Oh man, that's brilliant! - Slace
I'm looking forward to Monday morning so much more now :) - endian
ahahhahaha GENIUS!!! - ugasoft
now THAT is funnie ! - Preets
that java people!! - Oscar Cabrero
(26) This is a classic compsci joke about Java, and not offensive IMO. - Jeff Atwood
(1) - rascher
(4) It is quite a bad comparisement, and only a last resort in discussions about programming languages. It's not funny. - Jonta
(158) Works on animals too... - veefu
(3) @veefu, that's just wrong... - epochwolf
(6) Is one of these statements supposed to be false? - Christopher Galpin
(281) Offensive! Please refrain from using J* word and other profanity. - lispmachine
(7) I am right now programming in *AVA. (No offense intended, please) - Adeel Ansari
Hahaha, good one. - Gert
(3) Look at all these responses "wow now THAT was funny" or in other words "wow now THAT gives me a chance to once again establish my heterosexuality to my coworkers" - Dustin Fineout
(1) Well... yes it is :D - ApoY2k
(2) @veefu and Java works in Solaris. Remember, portability is very important for success. /sarcasm - Camilo Martin
(2) Offensive, slightly humorous -1 - Moshe
(4) Not offensive, not humorous: -1. - j_random_hacker
(4) Not offensive, but humorous. - Georg
(5) Not Offensive, Really Humorous. - Chacha102
Java is taught at school for introduction to computer science. I think that this is a really bad choice. - joshli
(2) @joshli: your use of the word "introduction" is rather offending in this context... (just extrapolated the joke) - none
(1) THIS IS CLASS!!!! - LnDCobra
Man!!! who creates these jokes!! They are soooooooo goooood!! - Bragboy
@veefu We need proof... - Joe D
(5) Oral sex works with all genders too. - zneak
Whether offensive or not, this type of response is not what I want to see on this board. SO is one of the best things to come along in a long while, and I don't want to see it ruined. The original question is excellent, and there are some really funny answers, but this is neither funny nor appropriate. AND I am someone who hates Java! - Toddintr
(1) @Toddintr, nearly 1,000 people disagree with you. When it's you against the world, put your money on the world. - RoadWarrior
@RoadWarrior, money isn't everything. I would find this joke funny in a different context (say at a bar, b/w friends, etc), but not in this forum. Thanks. - Toddintr
(1) and that's true, anal sex is great (as long as you are not on the bad side xD) - fortran
Wow. Simply amazing. - Ant
[+894] [2008-10-24 15:50:29] Steven A. Lowe

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, that's a hardware problem

(44) I was in the computer lab, and another student couldn't get her mouse working. I asked her to check the cable. That fixed the problem. I asked why she didn't think of that, and she responded with, "I'm in software, That's a hardware problem". When jokes happen in real life, they are even more funny - Kibbee
(75) I've also heard the punchline: None, they just change the standard to "Dark". - Schnapple
(7) @Schnapple: that's the "how many microsoft programmers..." variant ;-) - Steven A. Lowe
One to cast it. - GenericTypeTea
(25) And the corollary: Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, it'll be fixed in the drivers. - Not Sure
(33) How many Managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they like to keep the devs in the dark... - Pondidum
Wait, there are light bulbs? - Mark Schultheiss
It takes three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. - NealB
(1) NealB: that's the Polish/blonde version, depending on whether you're culturally insensitive or just an anti-feminist bastard. - community_owned
And how many testers? None, they just report "it's dark" - schonarth
(1) Reading this tread it seems like changing light bulbs is a common task... - MyGGaN
(2) How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None,.. they can't fix shit - community_owned
[+855] [2008-10-24 17:05:58] Gulzar

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

(1) Incredibly funny! :))))))) - Andrei Rinea
Yup. The original was funny and this version is funnier. - Windows programmer
I maintain that the original was funnier. - num1
(59) Not really relevant to programming - work for so many other characters. - DJClayworth
(2) very very good and smart ;) thank you - frameworkninja
Love this one too.... LOL +1 - Nahom Tijnam
not programming related, but good nonetheless - thomasrutter
(77) Mountains on the way to Wichita? - Michael Myers
freaking awesome! :-) - Galilyou
Is grandma counting stitches or something? this is where the joke falls apart. - dlamblin
agree with DJClayworth, not really a programming joke. - Richard Clayton
(8) @mmyers Programmers most likely source is California. You have to go through the Rockies to get to Kansas from California. - Instantsoup
(62) It is too programmer-related: "How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl"? Obviously a programmer. - Jared Updike
(1) Awesome........... - Shishant
(1) As Wichita Falls so falls Wichita Falls - espais
(8) lol Wow... The first time I read this joke it was in a 1980's readers digest and it was about a Russian and American Soldier. Time flies:) - Oorang
@Oorang: so, was it your guy kicking ours while kissing a Vietnamese beauty in the jungle darkness, or what? ::)) - mlvljr
@mlvljr I dug up a version of it here: But for this version it's a Polish and Russian soldier. Not very PC of course. - Oorang
@Oorange And less sexy :) - mlvljr
(1) That was awesome mastery of concurrency! :) - Fdr
The last paragraph sort of follows from the preveous ones, by logical deduction. - Andreas Rejbrand
(1) The joke can be refactored by placing the two men opposite each other with the girl next to the programmer, and eliminating the grandmother and the actual kiss, as follows: Emerging from the tunnel, the manager is holding his cheek in pain. The girl thinks "The guy tried to kiss me, but accidentally kissed this guy next to me, who slapped him." The manager thinks "That geek kissed her, but she thought it was me and slapped me." And the programmer thinks "Can't wait till the next tunnel so I can kiss the back of my hand and slap him again!" - Paul Richter
[+783] [2008-10-26 10:22:13] hmemcpy

syntax error!

That's terribly freaking, remembers-me of dilbert - fmsf
(195) Modern versions of Windows reply, "happy was unexpected at this time", which I think is even funnier :-) - Simon Howard
Awesome, really! Syntax error. - yoavf
The first one so far that actually made me laugh out loud! - Andreas Magnusson
(18) fix for modern versions of Windows: >copy con if.cmd @echo Syntax error ^Z >.\if you are happy and you know it, syntax error! - kinjal
(2) Just set the happy slider to full! - Lasse V. Karlsen
I love this one! This made my day. - Pim Jager
haha.. good one :) - armandino
(6) bool StillFunny = true; string Result = ""; While (StillFunny){ Result += "Good Job i love it!"; } - Ioxp
My god, this is beautiful. - Allyn
(1) Literally laughing out loud... OMG... I wish I could vote this answer up 20 times. By far the best answer to this question. - Andrew
Good one! Syntax Error! - ceetheman
(7) +200; Best one so far! - John Gietzen
(1) This is not nice! It is an abuse of an innocent OS! - Lior Kogan
i gotta say this one's awesome - user176121
vote count.. at... 486... can't... bring myself... to vote it up! - quack quixote
That was laugh out loud funny:) - Oorang
I've tried this one, and it's even funnier with win7! - Jronny
@Lior: "innocent"? - Nikolai Ruhe
if you're happy and you know it, ^D> bash: unexpected EOF while looking for matching `'' bash: syntax error: unexpected end of file just hasn't quite got the same 'ring' to it... - James Morris
hey, I want to try this out on my Win7 machine, I go to dos and type that it just says command not found, what should I do to replicate this thing? thanks! - iamserious
I tried, "If you're happy and you know it, say, "happy was unexpected at this time." - muntoo
[+753] [2008-10-24 16:00:46] Mark Baker

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

(10) Yes! I've been telling that joke for YEARS! - Electrons_Ahoy
Alternate punch line: The programmer said "Why don't we all get out of the car, get back in, and see if it runs?" - John at CashCommons
That punch line fits a related, but not the same, joke. The engine wasn't the issue, the brakes were. - akdom
(2) Alternate punch line: "Let's close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and see if it repros?" - Windows programmer
(25) Hilarious. FYI a spanner is a wrench - Mike Henry
Not always, sometimes a spanner is your boss or a colleague - Jeff Yates
ouch ffpf, bitter! - Shahin
(33) @Mike: What's a wrench? - Adrian Pronk
(163) @Adrian - It's the feeling of regret when you have to part with someone, as in "He knew then that this was the last time he would ever see her, and he felt an enormous spanner." - Daniel Earwicker
Haha that's exactly what I would have said! - Peter Forss
(18) Earwicker, your comment is the funniest thing I've read so far on this page! - hatfinch
I am a programmer :D - Shishant
spanner is close to spammer :-) - dusoft
Is the punchline that the "bug" exists, and asking for a reproduction is unreasonable? - Andrew Grimm
[+745] [2008-10-24 17:17:12] RoadWarrior

When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

(2) Hmm. You seem to be posting my entire email signature file. :-) - T.E.D.
I've only just started. See my latest batch :-) - RoadWarrior
Java Caps is a similar hammer - Vinnie
Now that's funny! - Kevin Babcock
Great one! Made me laugh out loud ;-) - ChristopheD
(44) Jeah.. just BASH it ;-) - MiRAGe
(1) I think I've heard this one from Bjarne Stroustrup himself! - Karl
(10) I wish I could vote twice for this - slf
(72) C++: an octopus formed by nailing extra legs to a dog - HS
Adapted from Mark Twain, of course: "To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail." - therefromhere
Gold. Also, at least 15 characters are required. - j_random_hacker
also works for C - Jus12
(3) ARM programmers have 16 bit wide Thumb, maybe they can C better? - Tony Veijalainen
I heard the same about lisp - dfens
[+711] [2008-10-24 15:54:15] Robert Gamble

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

(3) ....It's true :( - TraumaPony
(146) I don't get it. Sounds rational to me ;) - Kevin Fairchild
(20) I'm not so sure...if they were designer clothes, he might have been able to sell them for more money. Besides, a bike sounds like exercise. - Beska
(49) He's a CS student. He wouldn't KNOW they were designer clothes. Bikes are more efficient than walking. Less rolling resistance (except for REALLY round CS Students) - Atømix
trauma what's true about it?? - hasen j
(1) reminds me of the talking frog Joke - Bob The Janitor
(225) John, that's just silly. She'd be nearly impossible to transport without the bike, plus now you have to feed her for the rest of her life, which makes it a substantial net loss. - CaptainAwesomePants
(25) By dying before her (the sooner the better) you can limit your net loss. - User
All your base are belong to us! - Andrew Siemer
(2) I guess it depends on the type of Bike. I might be more inclined to take the clothes... - Richard Clayton
(5) Why the hell didn't he take her?! - community_owned
@Senthil: facepalm picture - John
(14) Am I the only one who noticed she didn't say he only had to have one thing? - eyelidlessness
Please describe this "anything". "you want" - well, mostly. - Mark Schultheiss
(1) @User: If you don't factor in "loss of life" as a loss... - Geoff
(2) Am I one of the few that saw the joke as the CS student not taking her? - Matt Joiner
(4) @Anacrolix: No, everyone understood the joke. Please go win the Darwin Award. - Camilo Martin
(1) Is she really beautiful? - Jronny
@Richard: kinky! - Bob Jarvis
(14) pics or it didnt hapen - j_random_hacker
(2) This joke was clearly meant to apply to an economist. - bmargulies
(1) This took me so long to understand. - joshli
(5) Did anyone consider the students might have been girls themselves? - Plumenator
(3) By the extent of the discussion, I can tell this joke was posted on a programmers' forum. - Isaac Lubow
In soviet Russia, bike takes you. - Jus12
[+669] [2008-11-07 22:39:29] spilth

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

The rest of them will write Perl programs.

Wow, that was good! - kurious
LOL. This is awesome! - Pramod
(102) @Schwern: Looking at that (particularly the way it starts with -f) I thought "No, it can't be..." ... but it is. Valid Perl. Now what am I supposed to say next time they make fun of us? :( - Adam Bellaire
(23) The joke's been around for quite some time. The original incarnation was, "The first thing any of them typed would be a UNIX command." - user30997
(8) @Schwern — What's that supposed to do? On my system (perl 5.8.0), all I get is "Illegal division by zero at - line 1." - Ben Blank
(25) I'm sure they could write pretty good Regexes too. - Trillian
(2) @Ben Blank it doesn't do a blessed thing, but it does parse. - hobbs
(25) Honestly Schwern's comment is better than the joke. - Matthew Jones
(7) Unfortunately on perl 5.10: "$# is no longer supported at - line 1." - Mark Aufflick
hum... wouldn't they collectively output a java program or more than one together? the probability of one monkey doing it is near impossible unless you have infinite time correct? Guess I'm missing the point here. - nkassis
(7) The only way to know if something is valid perl is to run it. - Camilo Martin
Ruby is the new Perl! - oeogijjowefi
(1) Social media has proven this theory incorrect - lojack
(5) Perl is the only language I've used that looks about the same both before and after encryption. - elmugrat
Using B::Deparse, this becomes: -f $_ > @+ ? *< . -_() : $# / %!; syntax OK - Kevin Panko
Attempting to run it results in: Illegal division by zero at line 1. - Kevin Panko
(1) I think this is the first time a programming joke on the Internet actually made me literally laugh out loud. Well played, sir! - Alan
[+643] [2008-10-24 16:10:03] Claudio

Q: "Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

A: Inheritance

(3) LOL!!! thats a good one!! - Chii
Ha ha!! Thats true and good one +1 - Shoban
haha +1 from me dude very funny - baeltazor
+1, dude this one's good - user176121
(49) Need to grab someone else's private property. - fastcodejava
(5) Just make sure it is not pure virtual - cory
(18) I prefer multiple inheritance. - phkahler
(5) for the c++ guys: become a friend to get the private fields - schoetbi
[+600] [2008-11-28 12:37:44] community_owned


(hip hip array!)

(3) hehehhehhee.. my favourite so far :) - Wouter van Nifterick
ajajajajjajajaa.. its great! - unkiwii
(21) This one made coffee come out of my nose. - Banang
(1) This one is really AWESOME! :D:D:D - Kevin D.
(37) wow, I have never been so torn as to whether up- or down-vote... ;) +1 - John Gietzen
(6) That still makes me laugh and I've read it three times! - Matthew Jones
(1) May I know which interactive shell throws this? LOL - KahWee Teng
My ruby would throw => ["hip", "hip"] - Galilyou
Oh dear. For a minute there, I thought that the second line was some kind of Lisp joke that I didn't understand. - hallidave
hallidave: #A('hip 'hip) - Svante
(7) The c++ version Hip hip[]; - CodeFusionMobile
rofl, that was such a groaner my first instinct was to down vote it... Which is why I am up-voting it:) - Oorang
(1) I had to log in just to up-vote this one hehe - Jason
The Smalltalk version: #('hip' 'hip' 'Array') :-) - Bob Jarvis
It took me 1 whole minute to get this joke. At first I thought it was an interactive shell of some kind and I almost opened Google to know which one it is! :( - Leo Jweda
(1) OMG, what's that "," thingy there between the "hip"'s? Offensive!!! - mlvljr
heap, heap, array - Dzmitry Zhaleznichenka
[+596] [2008-10-28 20:38:35] mkClark

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

"It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol"

(111) +1 So true it hurts - chakrit
(11) Maybe the end of the UNIX time will make this story happen sooner. :) - luiscubal
+1 It's the better joke i've heard jajaj.. - unkiwii
What a pity, it's so true... - Eduardo León
aaaaaaahhhhhhh, another good one! :D laughing my head off - Peter Perháč
Very, very good! - hatfinch
why oh why can't I upvote twice! :P - Slace
Funniest of the jokes I hadn't heard before - RickMeasham
(12) Makes me think, maybe the Egyptian mummies were COBOL programmers. - MAK
(17) How does a frozen person expect something? - Lars D
@Lars: his resuscitation was "unexpected", thus he was not expecting anything. - Bob Jarvis
[+593] [2008-10-24 15:49:04] Galwegian

Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

(1) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH that was so funny!!! ++! - Filip Ekberg
(262) Software is like sex: It's better when it's free. (Linus Torvalds) - Pascal Thivent
(21) It ain't free when it comes with religion attached. I prefer my free software as free as a free beer. - peterchen
(4) Like using tabs in makefiles. - mataap
(1) Lessons Learnt the Hard Way - THEn
(72) How does Linus know that free sex is better than sex you pay for? - Thomas
(11) i wish it has version control system so it can rolled back lol - nightingale2k1
(2) @pascal: ..but Linux is free only if your time has no value :-) - Jan Remunda
(1) Some of us have to support other people's mistakes though ... - C. Ross
This is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. +1 for epicness. - Alex
(20) Software is like sex: It's never REALLY free. - dtroy
(3) I've never seen that "free beer" You guys talk about. CITATION NEEDED. - Camilo Martin
Right, TANSTAAFL! - Vinz
(1) @Jan I use GNU/Linux on my personal machine for many years and I don't have to reinstall it regularly because it becomes bloated unlike another poor OS, I don't get viruses, I don't need to reboot after fixes, Linux performs better, etc. It looks like my time is more precious than yours >:) - Pascal Thivent
@mataap: Like allowing tabs in Python. Our BDFL still hasn't quite recovered from that. And it doesn't look like Python 3 got rid of that mistake either. - Alan
@Pascal: These days my Windows install doesn't become bloated either. But I think it's mostly because I rarely ever use it anymore (other than to play games and submit my taxes -- btw: thanks, German government, for making that one exclusive to Windows). - Alan
@Alan Yeah, not using it is a good way to keep it clean :) - Pascal Thivent
[+593] [2008-10-26 10:22:39] John Nilsson

XKCD 221

+1, I saw this and then used this as a stub in place of a random number generator, and it is now an on-going joke in the office... - Pat
(17) Source: - myplacedk
(68) Alt-text on xkcd: "RFC 1149.5 specifies 4 as the standard IEEE-vetted random number." hehehe - Wouter van Nifterick
this is really good.. so naive :) - seuvitor
(6) Got to love XKCD - Mark Davidson
I just love this one :) - Trap
In rails, when you try to find an nonexistent object, it returns: Could not find Object ID, did you mean 4? If you want to return null use Object_ID, or something along those lines. Now the 4 makes slightly more sense (RFC...) - CodeJoust
I've seen this in real code. Seriously! - Phil Nash
WTF! I thought the answer to everything is 42! hahaha. Nice one! - Jronny
(8) @Jronny: commonly misquoted, 42 is the answer to "the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything", not the answer to life, not the answer to the universe, not the answer to everything: the answer to "the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything". Sorry, diehard fan. - Martinho Fernandes
A random PIN number is selected to be 1234 - OutputLogic
[+588] [2008-10-24 17:19:42] spelchec

Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Yes.

(4) ahahahahah, this might just become my favorite. - aib
I love that joke, but sadly I can't tell it to anyone. And for the record, my punchline is 'No' :) - Ovid
Much better than the standard variant :D - OregonGhost
I don't get it :P - Ace
explain :( *doesnt know prolog ---> - zxcv
(10) either you know Prolog or you won't get the joke. Good opportunity to just start learning it anyway! And the joke is hilarious. I have made a Prologism the headline of my Blog, too. - Aleksandar Dimitrov
(33) Basically, Prolog doesn't have functions, it has predicates, which only return Yes or No. It's a little (a lot) more complicated than that, but that's the butt of this joke. - configurator
lol - this is the first one that really made me burst out laughing! - Paul Ivanov
If you use Aprolog, the answer becomes Maybe. - Jason Baker
(115) Years of bitter experience with Prolog have lead me to conclude that the more appropriate punchline is "No." - hatfinch
I thought it was a hardware problem. - Jeff O
(16) In Prolog programming (in contrast perhaps to life in general) our goal is to fail as quickly as possible. - The Art of Prolog/MIT Press - Ville Laurikari
This rules! And I'm with Ovid, I can't tell anyone...even at work. Unless perhaps they can get Prolog to run under the CLR? - hometoast
Made me laugh hard. - Bruno
@zxcv That's cause -1 == true. - muntoo
[+583] [2008-10-24 19:02:48] Agusti-N

To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

:))))))))))))))))) - Andrei Rinea
php hypertext programming or whatever - Hugo
Andrei I thought that was LISP for a sec there... - Abyss Knight
(7) I have that T-shirt! :) - Herms
Hugo: php is short for personal home page - svinto
(2) It used to be personal home pay, now it's the PHP hypertext preprocessor, and has been since 1997. - Kibbee
This wins everything ... - bias
GNU is not Unix? GNU's OS? GNU HURD: HURD stands for "Hird of Unix-Replacing Daemons". And, then, HIRD stands for "Hurd of Interfaces Representing Depth". That's a hell of a lot of recursion just for a name... - voyager
(6) I know this from a python teacher... If I teach recursion I first check if you understand recursion. If you not understand recursion I teach you recursion - Janusz
(1) if you don't understand recursion yet, reread this sentence - beetstra
(185) A little google humor, here. - Rob Elliott
(3) @Kibbee I think you originally meant Personal Home Page. - manixrock
(14) Watch out for stack overflow - lbp
(1) The dictionary definition of "recursion": If you didn't figured it out already - see "recursion". - Lior Kogan
To understand what a dangling pointer is, you must first understand recursion. - community_owned
(17)… - trinithis
@trinithis..that was funny ! - Agusti-N
[+576] [2008-10-24 21:21:26] Sandman

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

(24) Nice one! Sadly warnings breaks our build, so I can't smoke :( - Fabio Gomes
(19) Hey! I care about warnings! - Peter Crabtree
(106) Treat warnings as errors. - ripper234
hahaa. good one! - lyrae
(13) Warnings clog your log - PiPeep
(1) indeed they do PiPeep... Indeed they do... lol - baeltazor
(21) -Werror breaks the joke - Damien
(4) good programmers DO care about warnings. - peterchen
Not in Objective-C - there you just CAN'T ignore warnings, because it leads to crash. - Nava Carmon
lololololololol - YouKnowWho
(7) wait till he gets a LungCancerException - Manos Dilaverakis
Or: "...'So? What's that got to do with anything?' 'I added #pragma warning (disable: XX)'. - rursw1
Nice, Superb !!! - Thilak
[+534] [2008-10-24 15:49:26] Kevin

so this programmer goes out on a date with a hot chick

(2) hah. not the best way to motivate the students though =P - Claudiu
HAHAHA. Wonderful! - Patrik
thank you, I'll be here all day. - Kevin
(3) i dont get the joke =( - Chii
(3) Programmers don't go out with hot chicks.... - Trap
(21) Or to be more accurate, hot chicks don't go out with programmers. - Dour High Arch
(1) Simply, the best one. - Juanma
(5) I almost hit the "offensive" button there. - Hugo
(46) <smug>They do, you know. She's downstairs watching TV.</smug> - Peter Wone
(56) I have to take offense, my wife is smoking hot and I had to go on a date with her once. - DL Redden
(2) I agree my girl is hot and we dated also before we started a more ... - fmsf
(3) Why teh friggn hell are the best jokes so accurate. - sammyo
Haha! Priceless ;) - Israr Khan
You just got a gold badge for this! - Karl
I don't take offense. I just infirm it :P - Andrei Rinea
(2) frigging downvoted. I go out on dates with hot chicks every week - Click Upvote
(4) People like him are the ones who promote crazy stereotypes like this, and they're also the ones who make us programmers think that there's something 'wrong' with us and we can't date hot chicks. Wtf? The words' richest and most successful people were programmers, FYI. - Click Upvote
(28) I'm a programmer, and I go out with plenty of hot chicks. - Josh Stodola
(675) Click-upvote and Josh, good for you. I'm impressed that you found girls that were both hot and liked programmers with no sense of humor. - Kevin
(56) Awesome comeback. +1 for that alone. - Beska
(2) Chick upvote! Chick upvote! :)) - mlvljr
(3) - Tim Matthews
(11) Does it count that I go out a lot for hot&spicy chicken wings? - Steve314
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! - Shimmy
(2) @Josh: He's not talking about KFC Zingers. - Craig Young
Haha @Kevin, the comeback was better than the initial joke!! - Pool
(2) I actually tell my girlfriend programming jokes I read on stackoverflow... - danilo
@danilo:she has hot chicks? - Behrooz
(2) What if the programmer is a hot chick? - c_maker
(3) @c_maker then she'd be the holy grail - WarmWaffles
[+497] [2008-10-24 17:48:51] RoadWarrior

The fantastic element that explains the appeal of games to many developers is neither the fire-breathing monsters nor the milky-skinned, semi-clad sirens; it is the experience of carrying out a task from start to finish without any change in the user requirements.

(46) I think this is the first time I've read a great joke that makes me want to cry. - Ovid
(15) The poster has obviously not worked in the game industry... - Dour High Arch
(2) It's talking about playing games, in which you are usually given a task (kill X) and then do it and the task can't change. Not developing games which is probably one of the hardest programming fields out there. - p5ycho_p3nguin
(1) Unfortunately, some games have reached the point where they mimic life ... so while you are off saving the siren from the fire-breathing monster, your quest fails because you forgot to use the correct sword, even though it wasn't mentioned in the specs. - Dave DuPlantis
(74) What about when you find out the princess is in another castle? - Jeffrey L Whitledge
Or that she was the demon you killed three levels back? - alastairs
(11) The Poster has obviously never played the first part of Deus Ex. Or the second, for that matter. - Aleksandar Dimitrov
(67) Stop passing judgment on what you believe the poster has or has not done. It's a joke, not a summation of his life experiences. - titaniumdecoy
+1 - same as Ovid. - Asaf R
(2) @titaniumdecoy: it's not judgement on the poster, it's a remark about Deus Ex, and it's actually quite accurate. Your "user requirements" change quite regularly as you play through the game. That said, I love the root joke here, especially as my last summer was FULL of changes to requirements. I learned to program flexible code quite quickly. - Groxx
Oh, 3D Realms (the makers of Duke Nukem) are disagreeing with you. - Artem Russakovskii
Note: does not apply to MMOs. - Hooray Im Helping
[+468] [2008-10-25 02:27:48] benjismith

In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information.

One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, "Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!"

The commander was skeptical. "How do you know?"

"I broke into their research lab and stole a page from the teletype machine! It's not the whole program, but it's the final page and contains the concluding logic of the program! See for yourself!!!!"

The commander looked at the page and smiled:


Is that supposed to be shaped like something, or is it just a bunch of expression-ending braces? - titaniumdecoy
(2) It's just a bunch of closing parentheses. It's not shaped like anything. - benjismith
right to the heart of it - CAD bloke
Crying!!! I love this! - user10178
(10) C-c C-q wipes brow - Dan Roberts
I don't get it, someone care to explain? - Click Upvote
(31) @click Upvote:here is the beginning of the code so you can understand (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()(()(f=(n+n)((()(f(=9)*n(n+1((((((((((((((((((((((((((( - Oscar Cabrero
(53) Lisp=Lotsa insignificant Stupid Parentheses - Stefan
aaaaahhh this is a nice one :) - Peter Perháč
(58) I remember in school, working on a LISP assignment in a room full of people doing the same and noticing all of the people with there fingers on the screen and their noses moved closer, counting the parens. - Velika
(62) These are your father's parentheses; Elegant weapons, for a more civilised age. :-D (props to XKCD, of course) - Cheekysoft
(3) @Chadsworthington... I hope you were the one guy using an editor with paren-matching? - beggs
(2) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))); - negative
(2) Are there any Lisp jokes not involving parentheses? Not that these ones about how many there are aren't hilarious. How about jokes about the syntax of other languages? I am sure you will find them crazy funny if you like these Lisp jokes. Ruby: end end end Python: - Christopher Done
(1) I think this is reproducible - Shimmy
(5) I found that code! (note: sorry for the shortened URL but the Google Code Search URL was really long and the comment parser messed it up). Guess what, It's not LISP! - Martinho Fernandes
Lischp! .... .. - Marcus Lindblom
oi! you can dike the parens from lisp, just no one WANTS to - krzysz00
How does @Stefan get all those upvotes when everyone knows it's Lots of Irritating Single Parentheses? - julianz
@julianz, maybe those fricking parentheses are both irritating AND insignificant... - Stefan
I don't get the humor. What's so funny about this bunch of braces in this context? - jase21
I was taught it stands for Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses. - Yann Vernier
[+446] [2008-10-25 23:09:37] Gulzar

A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

(16) I believe that started as a "blonde's revenge" joke where the guy starting up the game thinks he can make money off the blonde. - Kevin
(1) ROFLMFAO........ - Unkwntech
(16) Not sure why the two characters need to be "Geologist" and "Engineer", but still funny! - Jon Schneider
(2) this isnt coding though - Click Upvote
That one was great - Hugoware
(1) err, someone care to explain it? - Sujoy
(2) The Engineer doesn't know the answer either. He made up an impossible question to get the Geologist to leave him alone while he researched it. And make some money. - toast
(6) Just not as funnt when you explain it :) - Matthew Whited
(31) Was better when the Engineer was a (not-so-dumb)Blonde, and the Geologist a smarmy-lawyer type... - davewasthere
(15) hands Jon Schneider $5 - ajh1138
(1) I recall a similar question - what is born with four legs and ends up with three, which I DO know the answer to. Anyway, good joke. - Danny Varod
@Danny, please tell us the answer to : what is born with four legs and ends up with three. - Thunder
@Danny, answer is Man. - Sunny
(1) @Jon: in the petroleum industry, engineers and geologists have a long and bitter friendly rivalry. I am almost certain that this adaptation of the old joke comes from this arena. - Derrick Turk
(3) @Danny Varod: The question is "What walks on four feet in the morning, two in the afternoon and three at night?", asked by the Sphinx to Oedipus. - fortran
@fortran And subverted by Pterry in Pyramids. (Everyone here reads Pterry, don't they?) - TRiG
we have lot of version of this joke with different characters! nothing to do with programmers! - mqpasta
[+407] [2008-10-24 16:02:19] Adam Neal

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

(429) Jesus saves, but only Buddha makes incremental backups - MrZebra
+1 for that comment - Bryan Anderson
(2) Ahem - is it just me, or are the GOOD guys cheating? - Treb
(2) Saving your work is cheating? - moffdub
(3) No, not saving your work, but wasn't that lightning bolt rather suspicious? Especially given that God (the father of one of the contestants!) was right there at the scene? Means, motive, and opportunity! - Thomas Padron-McCarthy
(24) He may save, but does he use version control? - Adam Jaskiewicz
(1) Of course he does. Have you not heard of the Apocrypha? - Sam Kington
(2) @Sam: I think the Apocrypha are more like commented-out code than version control. Maybe they're like Visual Source Safe. - MusiGenesis
+1 for MrZebra's comment :) - Dmitri Nesteruk
upvoted for MrZebra comment - Juan Zamudio
MrZebra FTW! :D - Arnis L.
(99) ...then Linus Torvalds comes in, and lectures all three of them for twenty minutes on how Git would have made everything better, and how stupid they are for not using it. - fenomas
(1) But for every backup that Budda makes he makes a nonbackup. - Jeff O
(85) I did a summer course in high school, just after grade 9, and during one of the first on-the-computer programming tests, the teachers purposely cut the power on the the whole room. One of the best lessons they could ever teach. - Neil
@Neil Well, that would certainly drive home the lesson. - Sukasa
(1) @Neil, and it didn't affect anyone right, because they all had UPS's under their desks - Nathan Koop
(15) I prefer "Jesus saves, everybody else takes full damage" :P - Thorarin
(4) Jesus saves... Passes to Moses, SCORE! - Nikko
(1) At risk of providing a serious response to a classic joke, this one's loosing a little edge these days. (1) Editors autosave these days (2) I've got a $40 UPS under my desk. Between those two innovations, I haven't lost a single character to a power outage in years -- despite having suffered several power outages on the job. - Frank Farmer
(1) @Neil: Yes. The lesson was that non-journaled filesystems react really badly to sudden power outages. The next lesson was a hands-on workshop on file system repair, OS reinstallation and not telling the department chair about lesson 1. - Logan
[+403] [2008-10-24 15:53:10] James Curran

    double time, me= !0XFACE,

    not; int rested,   get, out;

    main(ly, die) char ly, **die ;{

        signed char lotte,

dear; (char)lotte--;

    for(get= !me;; not){

    1 -  out & out ;lie;{

    char lotte, my= dear,

    **let= !!me *!not+ ++die;


"The gloves are OFF this time, I detest you, snot\n\0sed GEEK!");

    do {not= *lie++ & 0xF00L* !me;

    #define love (char*)lie -

    love 1s *!(not= atoi(let

    [get -me?


(char)lotte: my- *love -

    'I'  -  *love -  'U' -

    'I'  -  (long)  - 4 - 'U' ])- !!

    (time  =out=  'a'));} while( my - dear

    && 'I'-1l  -get-  'a'); break;}}


(char)*lie++, (char)*lie++; hell:0, (char)*lie;

    get *out* (short)ly   -0-'R'-  get- 'a'^rested;

    do {auto*eroticism,

    that; puts(*( out

        - 'c'

-('P'-'S') +die+ -2 ));}while(!"you're at it");

for (*((char*)&lotte)^=

    (char)lotte; (love ly) [(char)++lotte+

    !!0xBABE];){ if ('I' -lie[ 2 +(char)lotte]){ 'I'-1l ***die; }

    else{ if ('I' * get *out* ('I'-1l **die[ 2 ])) *((char*)&lotte) -=

    '4' - ('I'-1l); not; for(get=!

get; !out; (char)*lie  &  0xD0- !not) return!!



    do{ not* putchar(lie [out

    *!not* !!me +(char)lotte]);

    not; for(;!'a';);}while(

        love (char*)lie);{

register this; switch( (char)lie

    [(char)lotte] -1s *!out) {

    char*les, get= 0xFF, my; case' ':

    *((char*)&lotte) += 15; !not +(char)*lie*'s';

    this +1s+ not; default: 0xF +(char*)lie;}}}

    get - !out;

    if (not--)

    goto hell;

        exit( (char)lotte);}

This entry [1] is the Obfuscated C Contest for 1990, is a true classic. Ignoring that fact that it's a C program that actually compiles & runs, the source code is in the form of a hilarious conversation between a man & a woman.


(2) wow, that's impressive, what does the code do? - Jan Gressmann
(13) - Joeri Sebrechts
(25) I don't know why, but I died a little after reading that code. - moffdub
thats very cute and creative!!! i love the occcc - Chii
I couldn't get it to compile! :-/ - rascher
(1) Brilliant! It uses the 's' suffix for integer constants, though, which probably means 'short', but gcc doesn't accept it. Apart from that, it compiles fine (and segfaults). - Thomas
(3) according to the hint, replace 1s with just 1 and give it a positive integer as the first argument - BlackShift
(43) I like the judges comment: This is a good counter-example to peoples' complaints that C doesn't have an "English-like" syntax. - Zitrax
(1) That is absolutely amazing. And yes, s/1s/1/g and it compiles and runs correctly xD Brilliant. Many thanks for the links. - Groxx
(75) " Also obviously, (char)lotte and (char*)lie are incompatible types..." :D:D:D:D - Kevin D.
(35) "warning: eroticism unused in function main". - Vasily Korolev
(5) Wow, the fact that that's acutally rather readable really speaks volumes about the processing capability of human mind... - Ilari Kajaste
This is awesome! - Andrejs Cainikovs
What does it do when run with a integer input? - phkahler
@phkahler Compile it using gcc -o YourGirlFriend file.c and run the resulting YourGirlFriend with an integer argument. You are gonna love it - Amarghosh
I used to know the guy who did this. Very nice, quiet guy. You'd never connect him with a star of the IOCCC. - David Thornley
(1) That's amazing. - bcat
[+383] [2008-10-24 15:56:28] Roman Plášil

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who have regular sex.

(101) Not to be a humor pendant, but ... "those who know binary and those who get laid." Delivery is a huge part of humor :) - Ovid
(1) I like Quiark's version better, personally. - Blorgbeard
Ovid's answer ++ - num1
@Ovid, you understand binary, don't you? :) - Aaron Palmer
Ovid's answer ++ - Cristian Ciupitu
(36) I think I understand the original joke. People who don’t know binary have the kind of sex that can be recognized by some finite state automaton? (Sorry, I don’t get the "laid" reference at all.) - Jeffrey L Whitledge
So is the joke saying that a regular sex guy will actually understand 10 types (or whatever number it is) of people while a binary guy only sees 2 types of people? - Martin08
The joke is saying that regular sex guy doesn't know binary (hint: 10 in base 2 == 2 in base 10). - thenduks
(114) The joke is saying that those who understand binary have kinkier sex. - alastairs
(1) What about those that understand Hex? - Valerion
(32) I'm sure the original is simply: 'There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.' - Dalin Seivewright
Ovid's answer ++ - DoctaJonez
Ovid's answer ++ - Dmitri Nesteruk
(97) Shorter version: those who use reg ex and those that have reg sex. - Gamecat
(1) In modern chat clients, this joke would have to be followed by "SAD FACE". - Mike Burton
Actually, this is two separate jokes jumbled together, which rarely improves any of them. - Tor Haugen
I did not get it :-( - Avi
those who understand regular expressions and those who have regular sex. - Amarghosh
I prefer the optimized version: There are 1 kinds of people, those who understand binary, the rest are the default case. - ReaperUnreal
(4) @Ovid Not to be an English pedant but what exactly is a "humor pendant"? Humor that you put on a chain and hang around your neck? - Andrew
As opposed to IRregular sex? - CodeFusionMobile
(2) there are 10 types of people in the world. those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who confuse it with binary - vedang
(3) The really funny thing about this one is everybody trying to explain it. - xpda
I want to forget how to understand binary... =) - Jronny
Personally I prefer the original version to Ovid's. You're expecting the tired old joke about confusing ten and two, and the sudden unexpected ending jolts you. For me, the stark ordinariness of "have regular sex" breaks the expected rhythm even more than "get laid", so it wins by a nose. - j_random_hacker
(2) regular (recurring) or regular (traditional)? - dotjoe
(2) I prefer this version: There are 10 times of people in the world, those who know binary, those who know ternary, those who know quaternary, ..., and those who know n-ary. - Alex
[+345] [2008-10-24 16:52:49] user30997

Here's one I came up with many, many, many years ago:

I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it. I told him not to worry about it - that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.

(31) groan horrible. Lol =) - Erik Forbes
Oh god, thats... oh god! - Ólafur Waage
(1) I usually don't go for puns, but that is a good one. - Jim McKeeth
can someone explain it? - Seun Osewa
(10) buff (v.) - to polish. a buffer is a polishing machine. The janitor couldn't allocate it because he couldn't find it because he forgot (i.e. memory error) :( - Jimmy
That's horrible. I can't believe I enjoyed it as much as I did. :) - Adam V
(125) I want those 30 seconds of my life back! - alastairs
This is going into my collection. It will come in handy during those long car trips... - freespace
(14) That was actually better than I thought it would be. Also, @alastairs, how in the world did it take you 30 seconds to read? :\ - takua108
(13) If anything like me, Alastairs spend most of the thirty seconds trying not to throw up :) - Binary Worrier
The best part is the commentary on the entry--we know it could never work since they're incompatible types. - jeffamaphone
lol that was a great joke not the best but it made me crack up - baeltazor
Please retire early - CodeFusionMobile
[+342] [2008-11-23 15:37:41] Andrew from NZSG

Why programmers like UNIX:

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

(13) Best joke so far - DWilliams
(1) This joke is hilarious! - navigator
(3) This definitely needs some gasp. - chsh
Maybe some gawk. - sli
Great Sense of relativity... - Rachel
Great joke..... - chikak
(62) The version I've seen is: who && gawk && uname && talk && date && wine && touch && unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck && more && yes; yes; more; yes; umount && make clean && sleep - Seth
(1) I actually laugh out loud to this one. The others a witty, but this actually got a chuckle! - thecoshman
they actually simulate last night with code! :D - mqpasta
(1) what does grep represent? er ... - joeytwiddle
[+328] [2008-10-24 19:11:12] community_owned

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

(19) I'll admit it: I laughed. - moffdub
(26) Try and tell that joke out loud... but then again all programming jokes are made for the internet. - James McMahon
(4) I laughed the hardest at this one of all of these jokes, for no real discernible reason. Maybe random gibberish counts as one of those inherently funny words. - Hober
(2) I started writing this situation as "NUL-terminated" (NUL being the first char of the ASCII charset) to avoid any mix-up with the C macro NULL, etc. - mh
(77) As a fan of super nerdy jokes, I still thought this was lame... - TM
I read it out loud and still didn't get it. Can someone please explain it to a dumb guy? - Hooray Im Helping
(1) In c, a string is just an array of characters. They use the \0 character to know when a string ends. Without it, the string wouldn't have any bounds, an many functions just go on reading passed the end of the string, reading random memory values. - Ikke
[+317] [2009-02-22 18:58:38] mxc

Command line Russian roulette

[ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf / || echo *Click*

(83) Is it bad that I'm really tempted to try this? - Jeremy Huiskamp
(84) Is it bad that I actually did this? - drvdijk
(51) Is it bad that I lost? - Cyclone
(26) Is it bad that NO CARRIER - Lepidosteus
(37) Note for OS/X users, the barrel is completely loaded. - Evert
Redhat Roulette. - Mark Hammonds
(1) Evert: what do you mean? I tried a bunch of iterations of $[ $RANDOM % 6] and got a barrel with only one loaded bullet... - Tim
(2) Ask yourself - Are you feeling lucky today? - mxc
(56) Damn, this is scarier than actual Russian roulette. At least with the real thing you don't have to deal with the consequences. - Manos Dilaverakis
(4) Rubber bullet. :( rm: cannot remove root directory `/' - mwc
16.67% chance of getting it all done! Funny! - Jronny
(9) A bit more safe to copy/paste into a terminal: [ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && echo Boom || echo Click - Jordan Ryan Moore
Yeah, I like Jordan Ryan Moore's version a bit more!!! Damn, what happens if you do this as root? Do you still get the error message or do you end your life? x_o - Morlock
(2) haha the 3 first comments rocked! - weng
(5) I'm not sure this is how Russian Roulette works; for one, after six shots, you are guaranteed to have a fire. - Justin L.
It won't work - you need a --no-preserve-root - fahadsadah
(1) @Justin L: Here is a fix. Every time you run it, your chance of "dying" increases, and on the 6th time you are guaranteed to "die". - tj111
(1) If you lose, your inclination to play the real thing goes up. - Robert J. Walker
fek I don't get this and too chicken to cmd this - VoodooChild
Click, Click, Boom - karlphillip
[+311] [2008-10-25 09:09:55] BubbaT

Told by Gerald Weinberg in various incarnations:

A group of ten top software engineers is sent to a class for aspiring managers. The teacher walks in and asks this question:

"You work for a software company which develops avionics (software that controls the instruments of an airplane). One day you are taking a business trip. As you get on the plane you see a plaque that says this plane is using a beta of the software your team developed. Who would get off?"

Nine developers raised their hands. The teacher looked at the tenth and asked, "Why would you stay on?"

The tenth said, "if my team wrote the software, the plane would not get off the ground, much less crash."

(13) Wouldn't this story be better if you deleted "a beta of"? - Windows programmer
(32) Is it the google plane? - James McMahon
(10) For the historians, there is a version of this story in "The Secrets of Consulting" by Gerald Weinburg (Weinburgs Law, p134-135 in my edition). The story is asking computer professors if they would get on a plane with software written by their students - same answers ... - Hamish Downer
(14) > Told by Gerald Weinberg in various incarnations: So how many incarnations has Weinberg had? - hobbs
(10) @nemo If it was a google plane, beta would mean that it has been around for 10 years and obviously works just fine... - CodeFusionMobile
(2) It's still unclear to me why the dude would stay on the plane. Doesn't he have a business trip to go on?! - Dan Tao
[+305] [2008-12-16 03:27:52] Adeel Ansari

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:

Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:

Shepherd: “Okay.”

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,

Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”

The shepherd cheers,

Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,

Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

The young man answers;

Man: “Yes, why not?”

Shepherd: "You are an IT consultant."

Man: “How did you know?”

Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?"

(7) Thats great for so many reasons! - Brian Schimmel
Most Porsche's don't have a 'back'. They're 2-seater coupes ... ;-) - staticsan
(26) In most Porsches, i think the engine is in the back........... unless of course if it was a Cayenne.. - krebstar
(12) lmfao... This reminds me of SAP consultants! - Eduardo León
(10) last two words got me - drozzy
Cannot up vote as this would ruin the nice binary nature of the votes - Martlark
(2) Excellent joke ! - Myra
Porsche cars have stereotypically had mid-engine air-cooled designs (of course they have now switched to water-cooled engines with the addition of a questionable model under the branding). The 928 and 944 models are prime counter-examples as they are front-engine water-cooled designs. - pst
In Serbia, we use this joke for agricultural engineers. - AndrejaKo
[+297] [2008-10-25 05:10:28] CodingBytes

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who its friends are.

Not getting it. Maybe it's because I'm not a native English speaker, but doesn't the term "user friendly" imply that all users are friends? - Pumbaa80
(6) I'd give it an upvote, but its current score is 256. - Seth
(1) @Seth: let's see if it can make 1024. - Alan
(1) @Pumbaa80: "User friendly" = "easy for end-users". - Robert J. Walker
[+289] [2009-04-28 15:11:00] Robert J. Walker

Richard Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on computer science was the greatest.

Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"

Torvalds: "Well, God told me that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"

Knuth: "Wait, wait, I never said that."

(16) "Stop the world, I want to write it all down!" - Knuth - Daniel Earwicker
(6) Shouldn't it be "I never said any of that" or "said either of those things"? - jmucchiello
(8) Accuracy bows to humor. Shorter punchlines are generally funnier. :) - Robert J. Walker
(2) I'm sorry, this one should be be near the top. +1. Hahahaha. - cplotts
(2) @Robert J. Walker - that's because surprise is a (the) critical element in humor, and a terse punchline doesn't start to parse until it's already over. i.e. you don't see it coming. So yep ;-) - phkahler
@phkahler: I was going to say all that, but... you know... - Robert J. Walker
[+280] [2008-10-24 17:34:22] Dima

Joke: A novice programmer was explained the meaning of RTFM. He showed up the next day saying: "So I went out and bought the Kama Sutra. Now what?"

Meta-joke: If you tell the joke above to a non-programmer, he will ask: "What's RTFM?" A programmer will ask: "What's Kama Sutra?"

Meta-meta-joke: If instead of laughing in response in the meta-joke above you have asked "I knew both, now who am I", then you are probably a programmer over the age of 30, who has realized the value of social skills, and who may even be married, but who is still an uber-geek who takes things way too literally.

If you have asked "I googled both, now who am I", then you are probably a high-school kid who reads stackoverflow and takes things way too literally, but who had not yet known about RTFM or Kama Sutra. Congratulations, you are well on your way to becoming an uber-geek. Please try to acquire some social skills along the way. You may not think so now, but they do come in handy.

(15) Dear God, that is awesome. - user9282
(2) @hasen j if we have to explain it, your too young - Bob The Janitor
(5) lol, I googled Kama Sutra - hasen j
(8) @hasen j: Me too. Now I wish I hadn't. - Michael Myers
(10) I knew both, now who am I? :-O - sundar
(1) I image googled it. damn, you could make some advice. - Behrooz
(1) I finally got it. I didn't even stop to think that some people actually need a - CodeFusionMobile
(16) +1 for having a Meta-joke! - Dubs
(1) I googled both, now who am I? - wrongusername
(1) OK - Best one so far - HDave
(1) Great stuff here. But I'm under 30...hmmm. - The Mirage
(2) Under 30, married, with 3 kids ;) but we all already knew the rules were different for female geeks :D . . . having said that, we can still clearly take things too literally. - Ethel Evans
Funny!, The short version of this joke: <a href="">RTFM</a>; - Valentin Heinitz
[+271] [2008-11-01 15:49:33] Waterford

How to catch an Elephant in the Africa

(74) Mathematicians get a huge net go to Africa, wrap it around themself and loudly state "I define this as outside" - Marius
(36) Mexican police takes a random african animal and pour soda with chili into its nose until it admits that it's an elephant. - Wouter van Nifterick
(5) I would vote this up 10 times if I could - thaBadDawg
(2) This one is awesome! Great entry - Pim Jager
(10) I love the hardware sales part. Where can I get a desktop elephant? - Groxx
(5) Actually an experienced computer programmer would sort all the animals in Africa and then use a binary search. - 1800 INFORMATION
(1) too long. no real punch line.. yawn! - Nick Kavadias
(2) My favorite joke. Every line is a punch line - Mike Trader
(3) Groxx, I'm replying almost a year after your post. If you haven't upgraded your system since your post, Congratulations! You now have a desktop elephant! - Philip Kelley
[+260] [2008-10-24 17:26:06] Dima

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.

(50) Well, I'd rather keep an empty glass than risk a NullPointerException. - dbkk
(78) ... whereas sysadmin puts two full glasses and two empty ones. Why's the second pair? That's a hot backup. - ADEpt
yeah, why make special cases. - Hugo
he never heard of else{return 0;}? - mike nvck
Should be else{/*MISRA 60*/} - Adam Davis
(7) excellent joke :) - unkiwii
A good programmer should consider GlassNotFound - Pumbaa80
[+248] [2008-10-25 02:52:12] Don Neufeld

A foo walks into a bar, takes a look around and says "Hello World!" and meet up his friend Baz

(176) takes a look around and says "Hello World!" - intrepion
(24) and then meets up with his friends, Alice, Bob, and Carol. - takua108
(3) Please add these comments into the original. - Adeel Ansari
(11) ... and orders some eggs with spam. - sebnow
@intrepion that needs to be the punchline. Brilliant! - Matthew Jones
(6) Waitress Ada asks if anyone wants a cup of Java... - Deniz Dogan
@intrepion LOL this hsould defo be added! - LnDCobra
I liked the original version best - David Zaslavsky
[+244] [2008-10-24 20:48:37] peterchen

Drug dealers:

Software developers:

The best part of this joke was the end of both lists. :( - moffdub
Wow I never knew drug dealers had it so good. - BubbaT
Actually, most don't:… (video, audio, long) - peterchen
(36) 'Their unhealthy addictions cause products.' - deizel
Interesting way to put it, deizel - peterchen
Don't think that programmers in general use SCSI and ISDN too much... - Gert
@Gert: It's not the freshes joke... - peterchen
(22) "Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!" is so true - waqasahmed
nice... m loving it... :) Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! - mkamthan
love the last bit... damn damn DAMn! - giddy
[+238] [2008-10-24 17:05:11] Matt Ellis

I like to believe that I invented (or more likely independently discovered) this joke.

Q: Why don't jokes work in octal?

A: Because 7 10 11.

Hahahaha, that took me a minute! - The Wicked Flea
The best part about this joke is I haven't been able to figure out a good way to tell it verbally. - Matt Ellis
That would be a problem, but I told it to my dad who's a long time techie and he got it. (Though, anyone who can do math in another base can figure it out, given enough time.) - The Wicked Flea
(3) Darn. I don't get it yet. Should I be reading it "Because seven eight nine?" "seven ate nine?" - Corey Trager
(1) This is one of those great jokes, but it just makes you sigh. - moffdub
Should... should somebody explain it to Corey? o.O - Erik Forbes
i don't get it either - CiNN
what is 10 in octal? figure that out and you will get it. - corymathews
(43) I'll have mercy on Corey and CiNN. It's a play on the old "why is six afraid of seven? because 7 8 9" joke. The joke doesn't work in octal (base 8) because the next number after 7 in octal is 10. Thus "7 8 9" becomes "7 10 11" and the pun is lost. - Nathan Strong
(14) Let the record show that I figured it out on my own, as evidenced by me having written "seven ate nine". It's just that I thought, "That couldn't be it, could it? It couldn't be THAT lame, could it?". It could and is. The beauty of Matt's joke is that its prerequisite is a lame pre-school joke - Corey Trager
(27) Could the first line be better as "Why isn't 6 afraid of octal?" to better reference the original joke? Seems to me the "Oct 31 == Dec 25" joke worked beautifully in octal ;) - Shabbyrobe
(1) +1 for Shabbyrobe's refactor! - TrickyNixon
The other explanation I came up with is: 7 ate 9 in octal mean 7 10 11 and 11 is the joker in card's pack. So, jokes dont work in octal ... (I know this is a bad one)... - Jagmal
Just read the numbers to tell it out loud. "Because seven one zero one one". Or even "because oh seven, one oh, one one." - jmucchiello
Why is 8 afraid of hex? Because 9 A B... hmm maybe not - FryGuy
+1 for Shabbyrobe's refactor - Jonta
(3) This joke only works when presented in written form. You can't tell it well verbally. - Bryson
I used to tell this joke in German. Warum fochtet sechs nach sieben? Weil sieben acht neun! - KitsuneYMG
@Kal I think it could be told if you said "Because seven one-zero one-one" - Brian
@Shabbyrobe you mean Oct 21 == Dec 25 in octal? - blesh
@Shabbyrobe unless you mean Oct 25 and Dec 31? - blesh
I guess this could have been written on the 20th of Dec instead of the 24th Oct - tobsen
Somebody is an "id 10 t" - OutputLogic
@Bryson: it's still pronounced "eight|ate" and "nine", it's just not written the same way. So it works perfectly well in verbal form, as long as the one you are telling it too understands octal. - Default
[+233] [2009-02-08 23:10:02] SplashHit

If your mom was a collection class, her insert method would be public.

(6) First one to really make me laugh out loud. - tj111
Same here. Laughed out loud. - Patrik
(38) And I passed it my member variable. - Brian Schroth
Same here. Holy crap. - Isaac Lubow
[+227] [2008-10-25 12:20:50] Davide Gualano

A classic from Futurama: alt text

gotta love the futurama - corymathews
"Ah, Home.. sweet home." Never heard this phrase before? - Nick Stinemates
Now I know it is possible to fail BASIC. :-) - Adam Liss
Apparently in the future, BASIC has developed the equivalent of D.S. al Fine, only we can't see it yet. - Dave DuPlantis
There are so many programming and math jokes and references in futurama, you'd have to watch them all over and over to see them all :) - Fry
aahh, italian music reference! - Hugo
(10) The Robot church has got "10 SIN 20 GOTO HELL" in it, that's another one of my faves. Also "Ye Olde FORTRAN" beer :) - Phill Sacre
(8) This one irritates me because like stalepretzel alluded to, there is no termination... - Pat
(37) I like the binary jokes they throw in a lot... BENDER (after having a nightmare): It was awful! There were ones and zeroes everywhere... and I think I saw a 2! FRY: Oh, it's OK Bender... 2 doesn't really exist. - gnovice
HA ha this is great, wish I could vote twice! - Adam
(6) i like when bender keeps knocking on calculons door, and he annoying answers the door again: "DO YOU HAVE AN EXTRA GOTO 10 LINE?" - Roy Rico
(1) "Look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!" / "FILE NOT FOUND." - Daniel Earwicker
It's an Apple fan! Infinite Loop! - Time Machine
(3) @gnovice: What Fry actually says is "It's okay Bender, there's no such thing as 2." - Matt Huggins
My favorite one is "6502" on a box in Bender's head during the F-Ray episode. Bonus points if you get it. - sli
The 6502 processor? ;) - Joe D
I keep wanting to see 307 Ale on a beer bottle in Futurama -- - The Doctor What
[+218] [2008-10-24 17:12:59] RoadWarrior

Female software engineers become sexually irresistible at the age of consent, and remain that way until about thirty minutes after clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

[Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert]

(10) so wrong. .... but so funny. - J.J.
(8) Not nice. Are you trying to alienate the few remaining girl geeks? - Anthony
I suspect they have thicker skin than that. - user4891
(17) That is ... horrific. - aaaidan
(15) Java PHP - Have you ever taken a programming class with any women? It is embarrassing how many of the men drool uncontrollably and I'm sure it is quite uncomfortable for most of the women. - Mark Brittingham
Necrofeelingya....nasty +1 - dotjoe
(2) I don't get it at all - hasen j
(6) +1 for Scott Adams - Bob The Janitor
(1) @Mark: I have, and the unfortunate reputation that many male CS majors got for being unkempt quickly crossed the gender boundary. There was definitely no drooling. - SnOrfus
IMO it's a clear, straightforward expression of a fact. One might not like to hear it, but that doesn#t make it less true. - peterchen
(1) @Mark Brittingham It's quite the opposite - the men are all to introverted to gawk. If there are women, they're the ones drooling, at the opportunity to make new female programmer friends. (1/30 m:f ratios) - rlb.usa
@rlb - good point! - Mark Brittingham
@rlb.usa so true. :D - Dian
(1) @user4891 - you are confusing "thick skin" with "being so used to being stereotyped and harassed that they no longer expect to be treated like people instead of sex objects." Most female geeks would be offended by this, because most female geeks still have their self-respect in tact. - Ethel Evans
@Ethel: if you want to discuss being offended by this joke, then it's male developers who are the target, not female developers. Think about who the joke is portraying as desperate geeks... - RoadWarrior
(1) I'm open to discussion. I get the joke, but the way it is stated is offensive. (a) It says this is what female programmers are, rather than describing the perception; modifying it with "According to male geeks" might help (b) The reference to age of consent makes it about using her for sex (objectifying), and not about sexiness (which would even be flattering) (c) The reference to necrophilia has the same issue, but more extreme. Replace "female programmers" with a racial minority, "sexually irresistible" with a racial slur, and "age of consent" with "high school graduation" for an analogy - Ethel Evans
[+211] [2008-10-24 21:20:24] Robert Rossney

This is from the 70s. It can easily be updated to the present day, but it has a certain charm just the way it is:

Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."

"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."

"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

(2) I heard that one as the women how was married three times but was still a virgin. The first two husbands died tragically on their wedding day and the third was an IBM salesman... - Bob Nadler
(11) oh my god, this is so great - Bogdan
+100,000,000,000 - Rich Seller
[+208] [2008-10-25 18:02:54] RoadWarrior

The C language combines all the power of assembly language with all the ease-of-use of assembly language.

(37) ... plus the portability of assembly language. - Dour High Arch
(18) Plus the beauty of assembly language. - Windows programmer
(6) tears! there are tears coming out of my eyes! LMAO - Bernhard Hofmann
(22) plus the code readability of assembly language - Mason Wheeler
(19) It's cute quote, but in reality, C allows for much more understandable and maintainable systems to be built compared to assembly. Of course, you should almost always use something higher level than C anyway, but if you were doing some low-level embedded/kernel programming, C is actually pretty good at what it was designed for. - Jason Creighton
I love it. I really love it. - Daniel Straight
wish i could +vote twice. classic garden-path. - Nir Levy
C was designed !? Seems more like spaghetti to me and I have (unfortunately) written in Assembly and in C. - Danny Varod
@Jason: Except that the type of software that C was designed to be used for is a a small percentage of the type of software created using it. - SnOrfus
(6) @Jason. It's. A. Freaking. Joke. We know what C was designed for. Don't take it too seriously. - Hooray Im Helping
ROFLOL.. ROFLOL... - community_owned
(1) I am C programmer and I think that this joke is not funny! - ralu
[+202] [2009-03-22 01:32:22] Jesse Smith

A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.

One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.

The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.

On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.

One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!"

(8) This one is hilarious - - Michael
(2) Brilliant, must try that one - Angel.King.47
Ok, I hurt myself. - cplotts
I laughed really hard on this one. Do farts have lumps? - Tim Post
This one is quite funny, but way older than programming (not older than engineers, though) :-) - Rasmus Kaj
[+201] [2008-10-28 23:54:19] Myrddin Emrys

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As she lay there in bed
Looping 'round in her head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++

Bonus semi-related XKCD (thanks to randle-taylor):

XKCD 571

(14) Man; picture the cpu usage. - Eddie Parker
(16) - Randle Taylor
(28) The worst part of this is that it'll keep making temporary sheep, only to destroy them immediately... - Groxx
well, not if sheep is an integer type - the compiler will optimize that to ++sheep... - Daren Thomas
Or it could be a class with an unorthodox overload of operator++... I'm probably over-thinking this. - Daniel Earwicker
What's even worse is that there's a syntax error; - Cristián Romo
rhyming fuss with plusplus! brilliant - Nick Kavadias
(7) I think it's better with: while(!asleep()) ++sheep - Josh
Gotta love limericks. - Franz
(8) Josh: "While not asleep, sheep-plus-plus" matches the beginning better than "While not asleep, increment sheep", really - Arve Systad
(4) Well, the limerick rhyming pattern requires that the last line rhyme with the first two... AABBA rhyme scheme. while (!asleep) ++sheep has great internal rhyme, but it's no longer a limerick. - Myrddin Emrys
@Myrddin: Yes but that's incrementing the sheep variable, what you need is to count them (with C++0x): sheep = std::count (field.begin (), field.end (), not_asleep ()); - Joe D
@Joe Not bad... but somehow, I think the meter is just a tad off on that version. - Myrddin Emrys
@Myrddin: Hey, I wasn't asked to rhyme ;) - Joe D
[+192] [2008-10-25 22:25:50] Knox

Three men are talking: A programmer, a doctor, and a lawyer. The lawyer says, "Man, the only way is to have a mistress. With all these divorce suits, it's terrible. The only way is to have a mistress." The doctor says, "Are you kidding? With all the STDs out there, you want a wife and that's it." The programmer says, "You need both a wife and a mistress. Because when you're not with the mistress, she'll assume you're with your wife, and when you're not with your wife, she'll assume you're with your mistress, and THAT leaves you more time to be in the lab programming!"

(7) Haha! In the true spirit of a programmer - Qua
(4) Yes any excuses to program is a good and a bad thing - Angel.King.47
(46) hehe, finally a useful deadlock - Markus Lux
(1) "leaves you more time to be in the lab programming"... this is embarrassing - community_owned
(1) This is an alternative method of not marrying...hahahha - Enjoy coding
[+189] [2008-10-24 15:57:35] Gulzar

Keyboard not found ... press F1 to continue

(12) because back before hot swapping you couldn't just plug it in. you had to turn the power back off... hence no F1 could be hit 99% of the time this error happened. - J.J.
(5) if ( ( tp.getAge() - tp.getAge( FIRST_COMPUTER ) ) > spec( USB ).getAge() ) funny = false; - _ande_turner_
(1) compiler error, undefined variable tp, funny, FIRST_COMPUTER, USB link error, could not find spec - CiNN
@TraumaPony : What if the keyboard is plugged in but the local controller is toast? Plug ANOTHER one and press F1?! - Andrei Rinea
(1) A coworker had a similar issue in VS. "This operation is waiting for another process to finish...Press cancel to exit this process" And the Cancel button is greyed out :)) - Fry
(9) where's the "any key"! - Hugo
(4) @j.j: Wrong, it has always been possible to hot swap a keyboard at any time (even on the first 4.77MHz IBM PC). (You might be thinking on the first generation of the PS/2 mouse interface, where you had to reboot to get the mouse working again after a reconnect) - some
(2) In any case, it's still funny. If it said "Keyboard not found, plug a keyboard in and press F1 to continue" it wouldn't be funny. - Vinko Vrsalovic
(8) @some — That isn't categorically true. I've used a number of computers which had USB keyboards, but for which "Legacy USB support" (i.e. USB support without first booting a USB-aware OS — this was several years ago) was turned off. On those systems, plugging in your keyboard did absolutely nothing; it wasn't possible to "CONTINUE", only to reboot. On the worst ones, it would give "KEYBOARD NOT FOUND" even if a USB keyboard was plugged in; you had to find a PS/2 keyboard to boot at all (and hopefully disable the keyboard warning in the BIOS first so it wouldn't happen again). - Ben Blank
[+187] [2008-10-24 17:24:05] Dour High Arch

My favorites are the hacker koans [1] from the MIT AI subculture of the 1970s. For example:

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on.

Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."

Knight turned the machine off and on.

The machine worked.


(10) ...thus the student was enlightened. - T.E.D.
(6) I think I'm enlightened now. - Julien Grenier
If it was a lightbulb joke I'd be enlightend. - sammyo
(90) I think I've been endarkened. - Peter Wone
(1) This is one of my favorites. I quote it often! - Brian Postow
The AIKoans link is now broken. - RMorrisey
Thanks for the note; fixed. - Dour High Arch
(1) It's a reference to Tom Knight, he designed and implemented the prototype lisp machine CPU. - Russ C
[+187] [2008-11-25 02:05:10] Ether

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that!

excelent, just excelent! XD - unkiwii
(3) Very nice. Upvoted and remembered - Jonta
(5) Where's the "remember" button? ;) - Doug McClean
(3) I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords. - Miral
[+183] [2008-11-01 07:57:42] Grank

ASCII [1] stupid question, get a stupid ANSI [2]


(4) Ok I finally laughed out loud at this one :) - Liam
(7) I finally got this after 12 years... >.< - epochwolf
(1) wait i don't get this. - thephpdeveloper
(4) you can not get this until you put this - Mark Schultheiss
(3) "Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer?" Is that it? - Maxim Zaslavsky
@Maxim Z. Right. - Kevin Panko
Taken from bash: UTF? - Leo Jweda
Nice one... :). - Devendra D. Chavan
[+177] [2008-10-24 15:51:23] Steven A. Lowe

Q: how many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

(12) It's not a bug, it's a feature! - DOK
(10) Just restart the computer if you want to reset it to black as well. Restart fixes everything. - corymathews
I heard a different version: A: None, Bill Gates just declared darkness to be the new standard - Asher
"Did you try to plug it off and on again?" /IT crowd/ - Arnis L.
This question has already been answered - Mouk
hahaha!! Very nice!! - Bragboy
Better: they just make darkness(c) a standard - FUZxxl
Is darkness the blue screen of death? - The Elite Gentleman
[+171] [2008-10-29 06:22:55] Jeff Schumacher

After 5 pages of jokes, no one's gonna read this, but it's funny nonetheless:

How long does it take to copy a file in Vista? Yeah, I don't know either, I'm still waiting to find out.

(33) When re-visiting a fav topic like this one, I arrange by "newest" not "votes". - Dean
Yeah, me too. And it's a good joke, I'm voting it up :) - Sandman
(3) It take the time to install SP1 to fix the file copy bug plus the time to copy the file as normal :D - VirtualBlackFox
Vista 0 - XP 1; Vista -1 - Mac 1; Mac vs. XP; XP 0 - Mac 2; - Time Machine
(3) And how does it calculate the estimated time? It copies the file counting the time, deletes it and start copying. - MazarD
It's not that 'no one's gonna read this", it is that "nobody SHOULD read this". Bad MS bashing is for /. - amischiefr
(5) - Martin
@amischiefr - I think you're missing the point of this topic. - Jeff Schumacher
[+166] [2008-10-24 15:48:14] Galwegian

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”

The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

(6) I laughed...then hated myself :) - Richie_W
(72) "And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is. :-)" -- Larry Wall - user9282
excellent observation, mamama - peterchen
(2) Ohhh.... a bit off. - Mark
omg lol....i'm a bit off set myself XD - crosenblum
Two bytes meet; the first looks quizzically at the other and says "You're not looking quite like yourself today. Are you feeling okay?" (Leads++ into the punch line, ne c'est pas?) - Jim Dennis
[+165] [2008-10-24 23:47:02] Ferruccio

Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer

  1. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
  2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
  3. Indentation? I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
  4. What is this talk of release? Klingons do not release software. Our software escapes leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
  5. Klingon function calls do not have parameters - they have arguments - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
  6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
  7. A True Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
  8. Klingon software does not have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
  9. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
  10. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

(7) I love number 4! - Marius
Sounds like B'elanna Torres - Roberto Bonini
I will second that, with the right Klingon Editor of course ;) ( Enjoy your 'Good Answer' Silver Badge - VonC
number 9 killed me! - TokenMacGuy
Nice :D Also works if you substitute Klingons with Chuck Norris ;) - Thomas
(1) Did you mean to post this here on over in the Jon Skeet Facts thread? ;-) - Ben Blank
LMAO @5 they have arguments and THEY ALWAYS WIN! - hasen j
(3) 4 and 5 are definitely my favorites. I'll never release software again, and I'll never use parameters either. - Groxx
Oh. My. Goodness. For the first time, I wish I could favorite an answer on SO. - Dan Esparza
Bugs? Good! They build character in the user! - gjvdkamp
[+154] [2008-11-01 07:52:07] Grank

Visual Studio likes to put a comment block at the top of some of the support files it maintains itself automatically that makes the very matter-of-fact statement:

This code was generated by a tool.

I think I'm finally approaching getting tired of giggling at that, but it took way too long...

Must be great for peer-review. - Dean
Oh man, I haven't laughed like that since I was 16. - aaaidan
(2) @Tor Haugen: - takua108
(3) I was reading this at work and just busted out laughing for like 5 minutes...I'm crying now...thanks. - ctrlShiftBryan
[+152] [2009-08-11 17:46:20] Cagdas Altinkaya

[1] [2]



(11) haha didnt know google did that.. thats funny - Arcturus
(2) :-O I wonder if there is an "if" hard coded there in the engine!!!! - OscarRyz
(3) @Oscar No, probably just an entry in the suggested respellings table - CodeFusionMobile
(8) Also google the answer to life the universe and everything. - CodeFusionMobile
Not sure about google, but wolfram|Alpha has an answer: - J.Hendrix
(7) Another similar Google trick. (look at their logo) - davidemm
It actually works in other languages as well. - M.A. Hanin
First one to actually make me laugh at the end of two pages! - Icode4food
I think this is the best joke ever. - Kinderchocolate
[+148] [2008-11-10 16:07:25] James Curran

The Consultant's Exam

(Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. )

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

(Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.) This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

(Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.) This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true analytical abilities.

(Answer: You just jump into the river and swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Lion King's Meeting.)

Good series of jokes. Overly explained, though. - BradC
Reminds me of John Kerry's jokes as told by the Daily Show. - James McMahon
I love this one - stalepretzel
I've seen this one with pictures and everything. Apparently most four year olds get it immediately, so if you got it you have the brains of a four year old. - Evan
(11) These ^ are iq tests not programmer jokes like it is supoosed to be. - Tim Matthews
(7) I heared them when I was kid, definetely not programming related. - hasen j
(5) Also, who is to say that you can't fit both the elephant and the giraffe in the fridge? - Antony Carthy
(8) What always bothered me about these types of questions is, that e.g. Q4 doesn't reference Q3 in any way, so how would you know that they are related? - Zsolt Török
(10) @Zsolt: It's supposed to be a joke, not a real test. You are not supposed to realize that the questions are related. - James Curran
@Antony: Question 2 basically says that you can't have them both in at the same time -- because if you could, then the answer it says is invalid would be correct. - Miral
It's not really a joke but rather an amusement. - John K
I admit that I didn't get any of them right. Had a good laugh though. - Vikrant Chaudhary
I heard this before, but Q4 and Q5 were different. Q4: Now, if you were on a plane and it was going to crash because it was overloaded, what should you throw out? Ans: The refrigerator bec. it has an elephant in it. Q5: There was a beautiful damsel in distress, so a handsome prince was coming to save her. But he died before he could get to her. Why? Ans: A refrigerator fell from the sky and crushed him. - Dian
[+144] [2008-10-27 03:12:37] Adam Liss

If the box says, "This software requires Windows XP or better," does that mean it'll run on linux?

(4) It means you can't run it on Vista (It's not better than XP). You can usually run it on Linux using Wine. - Osama ALASSIRY
(20) No. It's an exclusive or. It runs in XP, therefore it won't run in "better". So Linux won't run it. :) (unless Wine says so) - luiscubal
(5) @luiscubal: LOL! Someone passed his Logic course with flying colors! - Adam Liss
in Wine there is wisdom. - Jonathan C Dickinson
(3) @luiscubal: That depends on operator precedence. Does "requires" come before or after "or"? - RMorrisey
@RMorrisey: If Windows XP is unavailable, then better is used. - sli
(1) Answer: Depends. Wine might support it. Person asking question: So if I drink, it will look like it works? - Biosci3c
Boxes usually say "This software requires Windows XP or later." - Gaurav Gupta
[+141] [2009-04-25 11:47:19] Stijn Sanders

There's still nothing that beats this in describing obvious pitfalls and making you laugh:

Each stakeholders dirty secret in development

Update: it looks like there's an entire site around these: Project Cartoon [1]


Very inspired ! - Wartin
awesome - Myra
+1 for linkkkkkkkkkk - YouKnowWho
[+137] [2008-10-26 10:05:21] community_owned

Q: What is the difference between a programmer and a non-programmer ?

A: The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters

Did you mean megabyte or kilobyte? - Adam Rosenfield
(1) He got it right, and I laughed out loud. - takua108
Great joke jaja.. and yes.. you're right about that - unkiwii
(13) do you mean a kibibyte or a kilobyte? - Jeremybub
any serious programer know the difference between kilo and kibi... - ApoY2k
[+135] [2009-01-14 23:24:20] community_owned

A programmer is sent to the grocery store with instructions to "buy butter and see whether they have eggs, if they do, then buy 10."

Returning with 10 butters, the programmer says, "they had eggs."

I absolutely love this one! It's a perfect example of ambiguity in action. +1 - Jonathan
(101) shouldnt he have ended up with 11? - Svish
(8) 10 butters makes more sense than 10 eggs. I've only seen eggs in cartons of 12 around here. - epochwolf
I would throw a syntax error in her face. See what i mean: buy(butter) if (eggs>10) buy(x) - Arnis L.
This one made me laugh more than any other one in the list. Nice work! - digitaljoel
(1) 11 ? no... if eggs are found replace buy butter with buy 10 butters. it's an if condition : either you buy butter and you buy 10 - Silence
buy_butter(1) if not have_eggs() else buy_butter(10) -
Man, this one is funny! - Cshift3iLike
(12) @epochwolf - The store uses base 12 - Omar
My thoughts ended up in 10 butters.. It's even true =O - Brammie
[+133] [2008-10-24 17:38:40] Michael Easter

Two threads walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and yells, "hey, I want don't any conditions race like time last!"

(1) This great is one! ;) - Nelson Reis
(19) I was thinking, "Man, your grammar is totally off."... Silly me. :) Nice one. - Eddie Parker
(7) Is it strange that I read that sentence as exactly as it should be and didn't notice the lack of grammar till I read the comments? - Stephan
You're not the only one Stephan. - Wallacoloo
(1) strange doesn't even begin to describe you. - Anonymous Type
@Nelson: Shouldn't it be "A this great is one!"? - Hello71
@Hello71: right you're! ;-) - Nelson Reis
[+130] [2008-10-24 16:55:07] Sherm Pendley

Old C programmers don't die, they're just cast into void.

If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?

Vi, vi, vi - the editor of the beast.

(17) vi, vi, vi - the editor of the beast! yep.. that's right :) (ps: i love vi) - unkiwii
vi is a subset of evil - Matthew
(8) and C# (or Java) programmers don't die either, they are garbage collected :) - Thomas Levesque
On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Ferruccio
[+128] [2008-12-02 11:43:49] Zaps

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

(6) I spent my last vote of the day upvoting this :) - Hooray Im Helping
@Hooray: So did I. - Pillsy
[+126] [2008-10-24 18:29:50] nerdabilly

what do Computer Science students use for birth control?

Their personalities.

(2) It's true!! Why are you laughing? - hasen j
(2) My wife liked this one the best. - Rob Elliott
Isn't this accountants? - Andrew
using namespace std; is a 100%-effective form of STD prevention. - Maxpm
[+125] [2008-10-24 17:16:03] RoadWarrior

If Java is the answer, it must have been a really verbose question.

(41) The question was "What would a vaguely adequate language look like?" - Daniel Earwicker
plus one for the comment by Earwicker. - James Brooks
(9) Yes, thinking of Java as an adequate language is quite a good joke, Earwicker. ;) - Eddie Parker
[+121] [2008-10-24 18:22:08] T.E.D.

OK. Here's one I actually wrote myself about 15 years ago. It's archived online at Adapower [1]. Be gentle:


I run across these lists everywhere. Unfortunately, they all seem to have been done by some brain-damaged soul who thinks C is a "normal" language. So I have made an attempt to come up with a new list that is a little more accurate, at least where I sit.

Ada : You aim at your foot and pull the trigger, but the safety stops the gun from firing. The safety won't budge until you tag your foot with a sign reading "Bullet Hole in this foot", and call the paramedics. You do so, then shoot yourself in the foot.

C : The gun comes in 38 pieces, with a set of assembly instructions. After painstakingly assembling the pieces, you pull the trigger and the gun promptly backfires and blows your head off.

Assembly : The same as C, except you have to hand-machine all the pieces as well. When you pull the trigger, your whole house explodes.

Java: You break into someone else's home and steal their water pistol. You then make a child gun that uses .38 rounds instead of water. When you pull the trigger on the child gun, nothing happens to you, but everyone who visits your house gets shot in the foot.

Basic : You aim the gun at a straight horizontal and pull the trigger, which causes a stream of water to be squirted straight down onto your foot.

Perl : You aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger. There is no explosion, but gravity causes the bullet to slide out of the barrel and bounce off your foot.

Lisp : You do a small part of the remaining work involved in shooting yourself in the foot. You then call yourself, and tell yourself to shoot yourself in the foot.

Pascal : The same as Ada, except when you pull the trigger a little sign pops out reading "BANG!".

C++ : The same as Java, except you try to build the parent water pistol using the gun tools from the C gun. When you pull the trigger on the child gun, the parent C gun explodes, spraying water everywhere, including the chamber of the child gun. This causes the child gun to backfire, blowing your head off.

Visual C++ : The same as C++, except that the bullets, the gun parts, the tools you use to put it together, the hospital you get taken to afterwards, and the ambulance that takes you there are all owned by the same company.

APL : Whenever you pull the trigger, no matter where you aim the gun, the bullet ricochets off of 13 objects and lodges in your foot. The gun has been examined by ballistics experts, mechanical engineers, and even the person who made it, and none of them can figure out how it works.

FORTRAN : When you aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger, a table indexing error causes the gun to shoot its firing pin into your foot instead of the bullet.

In the year since I posted this, the comments have grown to the point where I think they are as valuable as my original answer. Currently there are comments proposing entries for the following languages:

There are also two alternate entries for Perl, and one for C++


Python: The gun, the bullets, and your feet are awesome. - Robert Rossney
Python: the bullet gets into your foot without requiring a gun. - Jimmy
(4) Python: Someone else shoots you in the foot. You just need to ask for it. - Ólafur Waage
(29) Python: There is only one type of gun, it is gold plated, very comfortable to hold, and has instructions engraved on it, but for some reason when you pull the trigger it acts exactly like the C gun. - akdom
(1) So, um, how did you write this list 15 years ago when Java was only released 13 years ago? ;) - Ovid
Pearl must be similar to perl ;) - gbarry
(8) Applescript: Put the bullet of the gun of me into the foot of the leg of me. - Dour High Arch
(4) Java script: Half the folks who try to fire the gun find that the bullets (code) and universe (browser) are incompatible. The other half can not figure out how to scope the bullets into barrel (closures) so turn the gun around and club themselves. - questzen
Wow. Never had this many comments before. As many have noted, Python wasn't exactly on my radar at the time. I still don't really know much about it, but for sheer humor I like akdom's comment best. Gbarry: Good catch on a 12-13 year old typo - T.E.D.
(1) Ovid - All I really remembered for sure was it was more than 10 years old, and less than 20. It appears you found a better upper bound on it's age. Good catch. - T.E.D.
(10) Erlang : you can use 100 guns to shoot one hole in your foot (it's faster, and if some guns fail you still get the hole). - Osama ALASSIRY
(2) Solid Gold. my fav - Visual C++. I wish I could explain these to my (non-coder) wife. - CAD bloke
(65) @CAD bloke - I read it to my wife. I got to LISP before she took her clothes off to make me stop reading. - Guge
(5) INTERCAL: you assemble the gun following obscure instructions in twelve different languages, which you half understand. You end up with the gun pieces and bullets sticking out of a wooden club. You hit yourself in the head, a dozen clowns appear and take turns shooting yourself in the foot. :-) - user41591
(1) Python: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet misses and gets lost somewhere amidst all the whitespace in between your toes. - Mason Wheeler
(1) Visual Basic: You shoot yourself in the foot. Your foot get's infected with gangrene and has to be amputated. You suffer a heart attack from blood loss, and spend the rest of your life eating through a straw. - Mike Robinson
Perl: You shoot yourself in the foot but you can't find the gun! - Schwern
(20) Perl: There are many different ways to shoot yourself in the foot, many of which only take half a second. Two weeks later, when asked about it, you cannot explain how it happened. - TokenMacGuy
(3) Tcl: The trigger is on the wrong side of the gun. Confusingly, the gun only shoots bits of string. - TokenMacGuy
(29) SQL: Pulling the trigger seems to take forever until you spend a good long time understanding how to join bullets with feet. - TokenMacGuy
(3) Actionscript: You sit around all day listening for the gun to fire, and you can't figure out why it never does. - Ryan
(4) C#: An error occurs unless you cast the bullet into a foot. - Jason Baker
Ruby: You point the gun at your foot and pull the trigger. By the time it gets to the floor, you are long gone. - bigmonachus
(3) Objective-C / Smalltalk: You point the gun at something that looks like a foot, and pull the trigger. If the something or the thing it is connected to is not bulletproof (has no "shot" method), it is shot. Otherwise, the bullet travels into space and is forgotten. - Groxx
(4) Ain't C++ more like: Same like C but you may reuse the bullet afterwards. - Kevin D.
(7) PHP: You build the gun, but before you can pull the trigger, someone else has surreptitiously modified the gun into a plasma cannon, and you vaporize your entire leg. - dirtside
(1) I'm old enough that it was the APL one that cracked me up. - HLGEM
(9) Here's one I saw from another version of this list. CSS: You try to pull the trigger, but the gun has inexplicably turned into a banana. - htw
(7) Python: You import from future a foot in which the bullet is already lodged. - Nick Lewis
(1) Bash: You get a box of assorted metal pieces, and somewhere in the 800-page manual that comes with it is the one paragraph that tells you which ones to screw together to form a gun. - David Zaslavsky
(8) C#: Everyone you know is constantly shooting themselves in the foot because the guns are heavy, have no saftey, and a hair trigger. Occasionally Microsoft adds other unrelated yet cool features to the gun. - George Mauer
@George Mauer - wow, way to be totally ignorant... - Luke Schafer
@George Mauer - The top two tags on SO are C# and .NET - essentially you are completely surrounded on all sides by C# fanboys, including myself. - Andrew
(7) @Guge - I read it to my girlfriend and by the time I'd gotten to Lisp in desperation she'd cobbled together a working Glock from household objects and was threatening to shoot me somewhere other than the foot. - Andrew
(4) Yeah, George's comment ticked off enough C# fans that I'm seriously considering adding it to my answer. :-) - T.E.D.
(5) Haskell: You shoot yourself in the foot, but it's OK as long as you don't look at it. - Tirpen
(1) ColdFusion: You build the gun, fire it, and shoot yourself in the foot, but no one thinks the gun exists because it happened behind a corporate intranet. - Hooray Im Helping
(2) @blahblah HTML: The gun fires differently based on the brand of ammunition used. - sli
import shootYourFoot - PPTim
Smalltalk - Instead of puting the bullet in the gun you mistakenly loads the gun with your hand, wich is shot on your foot when you pull the trigger leaving a mess of fingers everywere. - Lucass
@Andrew: The gravity of the situation hinges on this: are the C# fanboys also armed with C# guns? ;) - Piskvor
Python: You take someone else's gun, and pull the trigger, but the bullet takes so long to get to you foot that eventually you ask someone else to shoot you in the foot. - Fred
[+116] [2008-12-01 20:01:28] Paige Watson

I know, not programmers, but most of us may get it...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth an eighth, and so on.

The bartender looks at the line going out the door,turns to the line and says "you guys suck!".

Then he pours two beers and walks away.

(1) What a pity I don’t get it, especially since the first line is so nice :-) - Ilya Birman
(10) Ilya: Barmen often don't know how to add something that seems to be infinite. The solution to such a problem is s = (a1)/(1-k). Where a1 is the first number, and k is the constant rate of increase or decrease. k<1 means convergence, so you get s = (1)/(1-0,5) = 2 (If I'm not mistaken) - Jonta
(1) they will never get to finish the two beers ! in theory! - Yassir
(20) Man, this is awesome. "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar" should be like..a slogan for something. - dr Hannibal Lecter
(19) Technically, the bartender gave them more than they asked for. - Cuga
(17) @Cuga - Nope, he has just enough beer for all infinity of them. - kenj0418
(2) @Yassir - It depends on how fast they drink. If mathematician #1 drinks his/her beer in 1 minute, and #2 takes 30 seconds, and #3 takes 15 seconds, etc. Then it will take exactly 2 minutes. Isn't infinity fun. - kenj0418
@kenj0418 - Enough, that is, if they're all willing to share the same glass. - Chris Lutz
I'd at least want to be the first mathematician to get at least half a beer, not the last guy. ;P - Gert
(10) @Gert: there is no last guy - SnOrfus
@Cuga: I think technically 1.9999999... = 2. - Deniz Dogan
Typical mathematicians - thinking they drink beer in lab conditions, ignoring reality - it takes time to pass the glass to the next guy, so it cannot take only 2 minutes! And, by that time, the beer will be warm, so noone will want to drink it. Well, except maybe for mathematicians... - AviD
@Cuga: Nope, that's the nature of limits. Any amount of beer less than 2 (no matter how little) would eventually result in running out somewhere along the infinite queue. - Craig Young
i read infinite monkeys ! - Nishu
(1) An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. - That's enough to be an anecdote. :) - topright
I would use Haskell for such problems: giveBeerToMathGuys :: [MathGuy] -> [(MathGuy,Beer)];giveBeerToMathGuys m=beer m 1 where beer (x:xs) k = (x,makeBeer k) : beer xs (k/2) - FUZxxl
(2) Hey, a bartender's gotta know his limits. - harpo
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. Who said they were countably many? ... I like the joke more when they go in one by one... - Gleno
[+116] [2009-06-10 07:51:46] Patrick

Why doesn't C++ have a garbage collector?

Because there would be nothing left!

Nice. - Daniel Straight
Three pages and this is the first one that made me LOL. - tsilb
@tsilb your comment made me LOL - clownbaby
(12) I'd say that if the GC in Java worked correctly, most Java programs would disappear. - Lars D
[+113] [2008-10-25 17:51:39] RoadWarrior

Smith & Wesson - the original "point and click" interface.

(11) ... the results are also quite graphical when the system is loaded - KaptajnKold
@KaptajinKold lol! class! - LnDCobra
[+108] [2008-10-28 20:54:34] TrickyNixon

The First Poem Written for Computers

        |{,,SYSTEM HALTED

For you somewhat cybernetically challenged, it goes something like this (using the proper cyber-names):

    Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
    Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
    Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
    Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
    Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
    Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH


(1) Open-Bracket dot capital-Y dot Close-Bracket - Angel.King.47
(5) +1 because those names are absolutely ridiculous - David Zaslavsky
[+106] [2008-11-26 23:14:10] aradnuk

Why are Assembly programmers always soaking wet? They work below C-level.

(3) This one is nice, but then again I like puns. - Nixuz
(2) This is so first grade! - harpo
(14) @harpo: You did assembly in first grade? - Michael Myers
[+104] [2008-11-25 22:01:39] community_owned

"Java programming is like teenage sex ....

[+102] [2008-10-27 00:01:31] community_owned

"In theory, there ought to be no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is."

I use this way too often. - Trevoke
(6) The difference between theory and practice is greater in practice than it is in theory. - Professor_Calculus
[+102] [2008-10-24 17:09:50] RoadWarrior

Nothing seems hard to the people who don't know what they're talking about.

(32) that's more tragic than fun - Hugo
(2) And nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it themselves... - Yuval
[+101] [2008-10-26 04:12:31] user25306

A Microsoft dev is walking down a walking path on campus when he hears a frog say, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman. We can get married, and I will be your loving wife forever". The geek and the frog stare at each other for a bit, and then he picks up the frog and gently places her in his front pocket. The frog sticks her head out and says "aren't you going to kiss me?"

"No" says the dev, "I work for Microsoft, I don't have time for a wife - but a talking frog is really cool!"

It' my favorite :) - mere-teresa
(19) If it's cool, it's an iFrog. - Franz
[+101] [2009-05-20 19:25:00] Kasper Vesth

Your mommas so fat that not even Dijkstra is able to find a shortest path around her.

(11) +1 for getting a your mom joke in there - ojblass
shouldn't this be on serverfault? - What is the Question
[+97] [2009-10-06 14:22:30] Roland

Breakdown of time spent on web developing

hard to read but it's worth it - dotjoe
(5) Actually, this is true. - Tim Post
(19) Yeah, this thread is about jokes, not truth. - liori
But the truth makes this a joke ;-) - Roland
IE sucks. As it was said, this picture is too true... :( - arik-so
(3) Best jokes are those that are true. - Marian
Extremely sad, but true. - BioXhazard
[+97] [2008-10-25 17:19:00] Sandman

C++ - where your friends have access to your private members.

(2) ahem... "C++, where your friends can touch your private parts" - James Curran
(4) what about your "private members"? LOL - ugasoft
(48) A better version - C++ is a modern language where your parent can't touch your privates but your friends can! - LiraNuna
(16) @LiraNuna, Nor can your children. Unless you're protected. =] - strager
+1 on LiraNunas version - Jonta
lmfao @ Your parents can't touch your private members but your friends can. - Eduardo León
(1) I'd just shorten it to "privates". - Groxx
+1 for strager!!!! - LnDCobra
[+96] [2008-10-24 18:56:29] AdamBT

I am surprised this one has not already been posted. I guess I will do the honors. :)

alt text

A slightly longer German version of that is actually hanging on the door to our kitchen at work. And no, not such an ugly pixelated version, a real metal sign. - OregonGhost - community_owned
awesome............. - KhanS
flowcharts are overrated. - Wallacoloo
(11) Comic sans? No! - Nitrodist
(1) We are supposed to post jokes here, not descriptions how this work in real life :-) - Gorgen
I've seen the flowchart plenty of times, but this is easily the most illegible version yet. - Yann Vernier
[+92] [2009-08-16 07:36:33] community_owned

A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. ~ Doug Linder

(12) true, not a joke... - Catalin DICU
(3) I catch myself doing that. - Ikke
(37) A user could always drive the wrong way. - Danny Varod
It's so true.. Last time I was going to a dance club I found myself running with a bus behind me. I was running on sidewalk! - Loïc Faure-Lacroix
[+91] [2009-06-02 13:10:31] Prashant

Sorry, this one is quite huge, got as mail from a friend

The Evolution of a Programmer

High School/Jr.High

   20 END

First year in College

   program Hello(input, output)
       writeln('Hello World')

Senior year in College

   (defun hello
       (cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional

   void main(void)
     char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
     int i;

     for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
       printf("%s", message[i]);

Seasoned professional


   class string
     int size;
     char *ptr;

     string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

     string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
        ptr = new char[size + 1];
       strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);

       delete [] ptr;

     friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
     string &operator=(const char *);

   ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
     return(stream << s.ptr );

   string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
     if (this != &chrs)
       delete [] ptr;
      size = strlen(chrs);
       ptr = new char[size + 1];
       strcpy(ptr, chrs);

   int main()
     string str;

     str = "Hello World";
     cout << str << endl;


Master Programmer

   library LHello
       // bring in the master library

       // bring in my interfaces
       #include "pshlo.idl"

       cotype THello
    interface IHello;
    interface IPersistFile;

   module CHelloLib

       // some code related header files
       importheader("mycls.hxx ");

       // needed typelibs

       coclass CHello
    cotype THello;

   #include "ipfix.hxx"

   extern HANDLE hEvent;

   class CHello : public CHelloBase

       CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);

       HRESULT  __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

       static int cObjRef;

   #include "thlo.h"
   #include "pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "mycls.hxx"

   int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

   CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)

   HRESULT  __stdcall  CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
       printf("%ws\n", pwszString);


   // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
   if( cObjRef == 0 )


   #include < windows.h>
   #include " pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "mycls.hxx"

   HANDLE hEvent;

    int _cdecl main(
   int argc,
   char * argv[]
   ) {
   ULONG ulRef;
   DWORD dwRegistration;
   CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

   hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

   // Initialize the OLE libraries

   CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
       REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

   // wait on an event to stop
   WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

   // revoke and release the class object
   ulRef = pCF->Release();

   // Tell OLE we are going away.


   extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
   extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

   CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
       { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }

   UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
       { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }

   #include < stdlib.h>
   #include "pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "clsid.h"

   int _cdecl main(
   int argc,
   char * argv[]
   ) {
   HRESULT  hRslt;
   IHello        *pHello;
   ULONG  ulCnt;
   IMoniker * pmk;
    WCHAR  wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
   WCHAR  wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

   // get object path
   wcsPath[0] = '\0';
   wcsT[0] = '\0';
   if( argc > 1) {
       mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
   else {
       fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");

   // get print string
   if(argc > 2)
       mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
       wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

   printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
   printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

   // Initialize the OLE libraries
   hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

   if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

       hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
    hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

       if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

    // print a string out

    ulCnt = pHello->Release();
    printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

       // Tell OLE we are going away.


Believe me, all this gives the same output "Hello World"  :-)

(22) +1 and a sad smile. - e.James
(14) Then finally the enlighten programmer. print "hello world\n" and perhaps print "how silly have i been." - acidzombie24
already saw this... goes a lot further... - Silence
(4) The Hello World collection: - Druid
(1) I like the version of this joke where the programmer picks the Management track... He starts writing emails to his developers that he needs a "Hello World" program by 5PM. And at the end he can't even remember how to use the mail program :-P - asveikau
The guy from the example got a late start. - Danny Varod
Full version from GNU: - ThinkJet
(4) The "Master Programmer" needs to learn a thing or 2 about syntax, and return is NOT a function!! - Wallacoloo
(3) @wallacoloo return(0) is perfectly valid syntax. ;) - Joe D
+1 for a lot of formatting. - topright
[+90] [2009-04-28 14:46:57] fbinder

Intelligent Design Sort


Intelligent design sort is a sorting algorithm based on the theory of intelligent design.

Algorithm Description

The probability of the original input list being in the exact order it's in is 1/(n!). There is such a small likelihood of this that it's clearly absurd to say that this happened by chance, so it must have been consciously put in that order by an intelligent Sorter. Therefore it's safe to assume that it's already optimally Sorted in some way that transcends our naïve mortal understanding of "ascending order". Any attempt to change that order to conform to our own preconceptions would actually make it less sorted.


This algorithm is constant in time, and sorts the list in-place, requiring no additional memory at all. In fact, it doesn't even require any of that suspicious technological computer stuff. Praise the Sorter!

(1) Just because someone caused/created a collection in the original order doesn't mean that order is always the ideal sorted order. Every list is created/generated by someone or something. A list can be "out of order" based on other criteria. In a sense, all lists are originally created to be "sorted" based on some criteria (the criteria used to select/create the list). - Josh G
(10) Hmm, I thought this was just supposed to be a joke. - fbinder
(2) @fbinder: Someone didn't get it. <subtle gesture in Josh's direction> - gnovice
(1) So would this sorting algorithm be O(0), since it actually doesn't have to do anything and thus takes no time to sort it? - gnovice
(3) @gnovice - It is O(1). Big-O notation does not take into account the actual time for the algorithm to do it's dirty work - just how the algorithm scales, so O(1) is constant - it takes the same amount of time for all inputs and O(n) takes twice as long for double-sized inputs. The point is that an O(n) algorithm can be faster than an O(1) one for some inputs, because the O(n) one might be "quick-and-dirty" and the O(1) might jump through some hoops. There is still a constant multiplier for time, and in this case, that multiplier would be 0. - Chris Lutz
(5) Chris is technically right, but considering the context, I like O(0) - David Zaslavsky
(3) @fbinder: The trick is, it's only as much a joke as intelligent design itself... - Ilari Kajaste
This assumes a probability > 0. - Leigh Riffel
[+88] [2008-10-25 23:18:17] Remou

An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.

"Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession," said the hooker.

"Ah," said the architect, "but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?"

"What are you getting at, God?" The hooker asked.

"And was He not the divine architect of the universe?" The architect asked, looking smug.

The programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. "And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?"

"Darkness and chaos," the hooker said.

"And who do you think created chaos?" the programmer said.

(5) that used to be a lawyer joke - the lawyer saying "who do you think created the chaos?" - DarenW
ROTFL! OMFG!! it's just great! - unkiwii
yeah, works much better as a lawyer joke. - harpo
Mmmmm, no, it works better as a programmer joke. - Jason Orendorff
[+85] [2009-05-17 14:04:53] soulmerge
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile again,
100 little bugs in the code.

100 little bugs in the code, ...

... continue until 0 bugs reached

cheers... great one... - ojblass
(2) more like: ... 99 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile again, 100 little bugs, 42 big bugs, and 3 showstoppers in the code... - Jeffrey Kemp
(19) is 100 a short? At least then the end is in sight :) - Arcturus
(7) I'll wait for integer overflow - GogaRieger
[+84] [2008-10-25 17:54:25] RoadWarrior

The only "intuitive" user interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.

(22) Heh. My kid didn't find it intuitive at all. Guess he'll never be a programmer. - Kyralessa
(3) @Kyralessa — Have you seen the interfaces most programmers come up with? He'll be dynamite! - Ben Blank
[+83] [2009-08-15 23:02:22] community_owned

So a programming team developes true AI capable of thinking, reasoning, and feeling. They wrote all the code in Scheme They go to their project manager and tell him of their invention and invite him to come talk to it. He agrees and sits down at the terminal they point to. He types:


and it replies:


He types:

How are you?

It replies:

((I'm fine, thanks)(How are you?))

The PM gets up and tells the team he hates the program and that he's ending the project. The team starts pleading with him, asking how he could hate a true AI capable of feelings and reason. They tell him it can think, solve problems, and even work as a member of the team.
The PM replies, "Yes, but it talks with a Lisp."

(1) I wish I could vote this up a thousand times! - Molex
i don't get it :/ - What is the Question
[+83] [2009-10-26 12:59:13] YouKnowWho

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."


"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"


I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

(9) MS is full of bugs, would be a disaster if he said Hi John!! - medopal
[+82] [2009-08-16 03:26:57] community_owned

Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?

A: Because he didn't get arrays.

(1) HA! This is the first one in a while that actually made me laugh. - Michael Myers
That is nearly sublime. Bravo. - jmucchiello
(3) I don't get it. Care to explain to not English-native? - Przemaas
(13) Becoz, he didn't get a-raise :-) - Abhay
doh!.. ..... .. .. - OscarRyz
Groan! More Groaning! - Biosci3c
[+81] [2009-06-17 22:10:14] erenon

Why do java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't see sharp.

(1) You should have used its geekish form: "Because they don't C#" - Anax
I like it both ways. =) - Tek
[+79] [2008-12-13 03:57:08] Andrew Rollings

I guess my current favourite is:

"XML is like violence. If it doesn't solve your problem, you're not using enough of it".

(1) Saw this on daily wtf ^^ - Arnis L.
[+78] [2008-10-24 17:19:31] RoadWarrior

Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

(23) This not a joke... It's the truth. - Dima
Then you end up supporting it... - Schalk Versteeg
ditto! so true and so sad....until managers delegate the creation of problems. - crosenblum
I just made a big one.What is the next instruction? - Behrooz
[+76] [2008-11-17 10:38:33] luiscubal

I'd like to make the world a better place, but they won't give me the source code.

(3) i doubt it you ll have many problems ( legacy code ) - Yassir
(6) i bet it's in COBOL - Arnis L.
No, it's Perl: - EFraim
[+73] [2008-10-25 17:50:19] RoadWarrior

Indeed, when I design my killer language, the identifiers foo and bar will be reserved words, never used, and not even mentioned in the reference manual. Any program using one will simply dump core without comment. Multitudes will rejoice.

Source? This is my favorite one so far. - takua108
(2) The quote comes from Tim Peters. - RoadWarrior
What about 'baz'? - nilamo
Make sure that i, j and k cannot be used as variable names either. - scragar
(2) FYI, RFC3092: - Ignas Limanauskas
(5) I would also add the same feature to all classes, functions, or variable names starting with the word "my". - Joseph Gordon
@Joseph: Doesn't perl do something similar with my? - Andrew Grimm
@Andrew Well, not quite. Perl uses my to designate a variable as being local my $local_var within the enclosing block. What I was mostly getting at extending a class and name it My___ when a more descriptive name could be used. MyJTable vs. ByteArrayTable for instance... I've also seen developers do things like public String mytoString() instead of public String getUserDescription(). - Joseph Gordon
@Joseph "Its not a bug, its a feature." - Ethan
[+73] [2008-10-25 05:08:47] CodingBytes

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

(3) Attribution? I've seen this around before, and am wondering who is the original author. - Rick
What comes around goes around - who cares about 3 inch floppies these days? - jmucchiello
Not funny, but +1 for the effort. - harpo
I'm feeling old after reading this, hehe. - Jimmy Chandra
(3) Maybe you could get Tim McGraw to sing the song. - amischiefr
@amischiefr That would be awesome!! I love "Back When" though this would be so much better. - Kyra
[+71] [2008-11-04 02:31:47] zonkflut

There's no place like

(20) You're so web 1.0 - nowadays they say "There's no place like ::1". (Or for the Unix geek, "There's no place like ~") - moritz
%HOMEDRIVE%%HOMEPATH% on a certain proprietary OS. - Adriano Varoli Piazza
(6) There's no place like ~ - John Oxley
(9) This one always bugs me. Localhost is not the same as home. - Miral
@Miral - You sir are the reason there are jokes about programmers getting laid. - amischiefr
$HOME is where the .emacs is - Rasmus Kaj
@Miral sorry, joke is still funny despite your attempts to wreck it. - Anonymous Type
i think you meant »there's no place like ::1« - knittl
[+71] [2009-08-15 20:03:46] Jay

A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.

A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.

(5) Hey, this is the most up-votes I've gotten for any post I've made on this site yet. Kind of sad, actually. - Jay
(18) If you'd said mathematician instead of programmer, you'd have done better. Everyone knows real programmers rewrite everything from scratch. - jmucchiello
First one to make me laugh out loud. - ryandenki
[+70] [2009-08-16 00:35:32] rbxbx

this one just about killed me, in the best of ways.

(1) I love this so much. - Bill
[+69] [2009-04-27 20:19:44] Marcus Lindblom

"I don't see women as objects. I consider each to be in a class of her own." ;-)

lol! nerd flattery! - thecoshman
Could not find Girl in class Room. - Markus
@thecoshman: Indeed. It also shows that each woman has a completely different set of issues and you need to learn them anew each time you meet a new one. :) - Marcus Lindblom
[+69] [2009-02-22 18:30:30] Jens Roland

My Favourite Joke About Recursion [1]


(9) The first My Favourite Joke About Recursion was funnier ;) - Liran Orevi
How come there is a "first" in recursion but no "last" - JCasso
(1) There is, but no-one has got to it yet. - Georg Fritzsche
(5) Ah man. I hate you. :) - Steve Syfuhs
lol this is pretty funny - LnDCobra
I clicked too often, till I got it xD - Keenora Fluffball
Nice. :) You got me. - pymendoza
[+65] [2009-10-21 04:52:27] Cy

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:


When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

(3) Hilarious... +1 - Adeel Ansari
But, it's a strong password. :) - bjarkef
[+65] [2009-02-08 03:34:56] alamodey

The word "algorithm" was coined to recognise Al Gore's contribution to computer science.

Yeah!!! He invented the Internet single-handedly! - Eduardo León
(18) What? you claim that Al Gore has rhythm? - Brian Postow
I can forgive Al Gore a lot, thanks to his Futurama appearances. - Daniel Earwicker
(6) The thing is, I can imagine people thinking it's name after him rather than Muhammad ibn Mūsā al-Khwārizmī - Pete Kirkham
[+64] [2009-03-24 08:50:58] SteD

.NET is called .NET so that it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing.

I love it! Great :-) - Luc M
ls ,. - when I was a student I got graded down on an exercise for producing different search results (guess I was the only one to find all hidden files and to search in directories with spaces in the names). - Danny Varod
That was supposed to say star comma dot star :-) - Danny Varod
[+63] [2008-10-28 11:10:19] Adam Liss

"What do you mean, it needs comments!? If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand--why do you think we call it code???"

(32) Reminds me of the zen of Python: "Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it." - sebnow
(15) s/Python/Brian W. Kernighan/ - jplindstrom
+1, at my last job I actually got yelled at for commenting! - tsilb
[+62] [2008-10-26 10:54:07] Kasper Vesth

Your momma's so fat, that when she sat on a binary tree she turned it into a sorted linked-list in O(1).

Not a joke per se, but I think it is funny :)

(4) Technically, it would be O(logn). - Clark Gaebel
This made me laugh out loud in the office - Frank Rosario
(20) She's so fat she did it in O(1). - Nick Lewis
(4) *Per se (latin) ;) - smoove666
[+62] [2008-10-31 16:09:50] community_owned

What sits on your shoulder and goes "Pieces of 7! Pieces of 7!"?

A Parroty Error!

(34) This one is funny because of the amount of time it took me to explain it to my non-programming friends. ("I've got a great joke--but first, a quick lesson on transmission protocols.") - Michael Myers
(1) ?????? m confused - nicky
so what are 'pieces of eight'? - Axarydax
@mmyers I actually did that to my misses last night for another one of these jokes. "Got A funny joke girl creature of mine, but first..." - thecoshman
(2) @Axarydax: - Boldewyn
I wish I could vote this up a thousand times xD - Joe Hopfgartner
[+62] [2008-11-25 15:38:54] csl

Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.

erm... that's just for truth - thecoshman
Doesn't mean it's still funny - Htbaa
Incomplete. It was something like "What's the difference between hardware and software? Software is what you curse, hardware is what you kick!" - catchmeifyoutry
[+61] [2009-03-16 04:20:13] Tim

The women I went to university with had this to say about their chances of meeting guys in our CS department : "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

I've heard the same said about internet dating. - Steve Melnikoff
I thought that was a CMU thing :-) - scraimer
[+61] [2009-05-18 20:13:21] Jeffrey Berthiaume

One of my favorites...

Robin Hood And Friar Tuck

The following story was posted in news.sysadmin recently.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola (I believe it was) discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system (or it may have been CP-V's predecessor UTS). Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in "master mode" (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its "privilege level" byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.

Motorola quite properly reported this problem to XEROX via an official "level 1 SIDR" (a bug report with a perceived urgency of "needs to be fixed yesterday"). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as "Security SIDR", and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc. separately.

Xerox apparently sat on the problem... they either didn't acknowledge the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.

Time passed (months, as I recall). The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take Direct Action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked, and just how thoroughly the system security systems could be subverted.

They dug around through the operating-system listings, and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called Robin Hood and Friar Tuck. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as "ghost jobs" (daemons, in Unix terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.

So... one day, the system operator on the main CP-V software-development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following (as I recall... it's been a while since I heard the story):

  • Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job.

  • Disk drives would seek back&forth so rapidly that they'd attempt to walk across the floor.

  • The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a "lace card" (every hole punched). These would usually jam in the punch.

  • The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa.

  • The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B. One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite
    stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to recollate them manually.

I believe that there were some other effects produced, as well.

Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following sequence of events took place:

!X id1

id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me! (Robin Hood)
id1: Off (aborted)

id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham's men!

id3: Thank you, my good fellow! (Robin)

Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently-slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.

Finally, the system programmers did the latter... only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time image (the /vmunix file, in Unix terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time...

The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.

I believe that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. To the best of my knowledge, no serious disciplinary action was taken against either of these guys.

Several years later, both of the perpetrators were hired by Honeywell, which had purchased the rights to CP-V after Xerox pulled out of the mainframe business. Both of them made serious and substantial contributions to the Honeywell CP-6 operating system development effort. Robin Hood (Dan Holle) did much of the development of the PL-6 system-programming language compiler; Friar Tuck (John Gabler) was one of the chief communications-software gurus for several years. They're both alive and well, and living in LA (Dan) and Orange County (John). Both are among the more brilliant people I've had the pleasure of working with.

Disclaimers: it has been quite a while since I heard the details of how this all went down, so some of the details above are almost certainly wrong. I shared an apartment with John Gabler for several years, and he was my Best Man when I married back in '86... so I'm somewhat predisposed to believe his version of the events that occurred.

Dave Platt Coherent Thought Inc. 3350 West Bayshore #205 Palo Alto CA 94303

(4) This is excellent! - James Thompson
[+60] [2009-06-03 22:31:07] community_owned

Q: 0 is false and 1 is true, right?

A: 1.

i like this one+1 - Eric
(7) - Jader Dias
That's actually an unambiguous answer. If the asker thought 0 meant true, "1" would mean "wrong." If the asker thought 1 meant true, "1" means "correct." Either way it leads the asker to the right answer. - Ken Simon
[+59] [2009-07-21 03:48:03] TahoeWolverine

Q: What's the difference between Software Development and Sex?

A: In sex, you don't get a bonus for releasing early.

[+59] [2009-09-07 08:49:30] Tuminoid [1]

Did you mean: "recursion"


(2) Nice! +1 - Eric
(2) this is epic. very funny joke! - murasaki5
wow !! First bug I seen in Google - YouKnowWho
(5) Thats not a bug, its a feature. - truppo
(13) Clearly, Xinus doesn't understand recursion. - Duroth
[+59] [2009-01-15 21:00:24] yx

Not really programming related, but still funny:

A mathematician asks an engineer a question, "Here are 5 birds in the tree, if I shoot one, how many are left?"

The engineer answers, "0, since the birds will all fly away when they hear the gunshot."

"The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think" said the mathematician.

The engineer then says, "Well then, I will ask you a question. Three women are sitting on the park bench eating ice cream. The first one is licking it, the second one swallows the ice cream and starts sucking on the cone, the third takes a bite out of the ice cream, which one is married?"

The mathematician blushes and answers: "The second one?"

The engineer then says, "Wrong, the answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

(11) There are still 5 birds left. One is no longer referenced, but you'll have to wait for the garbage collector to dispose of it. - AndyM
(10) @AndyM I like the way you think. - Dian
[+58] [2008-10-27 03:02:47] Adam Liss

The programmer got stuck in the shower because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

(1) That's a recursive function that somebody messed up, there should be a stopping condition in there: void Shower(){ Lather(); Rinse(); if !Clean() {Shower();} } - Osama ALASSIRY
(119) I don't buy this one. Eventually the bottle would be empty and an exception would be raised. - Mason Wheeler
@Mason Wheeler - lol - Pop Catalin
Up vote because of @Mason Wheeler comment. LOL! - Swim
I wish I could upvote the comment! - Adam Liss
(6) @mason not if he is uses C :) - Yassir
class OutOfShampooException (Exception):pass - Markus
(12) @Yassir If he was using C, it would terminate with a core dump in the shower - Russell Mull
(1) I don't believe the bottle would raise an exception. It will just return null ;-) - Hardcoded
@Mason or maybe a StackOverflowException on the recursion - Samuel Carrijo
@Samuel: More likely a buffer overflow - Joe D
[+58] [2009-05-11 20:45:29] Martin Cote

An optimist person will say that the glass is half-full.

A pessimist person will say that the glass is half-empty.

A programmer will say that the glass is twice as large as necessary.

(18) I've always thought of it as if you are filling up the glass, then it's half full. If you are drinking from the glass, then it's half empty. - Chris Persichetti
(7) More an engineer. If a programmer was designing a glass, I'd be afraid to drink from it. - Andrei Krotkov
(3) I think this joke is more in terms of data structures. "This array is twice as large as necessary." - Martin Cote
(2) If a programmer was designing a glass, when it reached half full, the glass would be replaced by a new glass, twice as large, and all the liquid poured into the new one, so as to achieve amortized constant time glass filling. - Eclipse
@Martin Cote - the problem is that your thinking about jokes as data structures. - Chris Lutz
(1) Which reminds me of the classic advice to salesman: Don't say the glass is half empty. Say it's full. - Jay
(4) The programmer should just think the glass is padded. - jmucchiello
unsigned glass ;) - valya
A duplicate of mine from > 6 months prior:… - Dennis Williamson
A sysadmin would shout about how some user drank from his glass. - Noufal Ibrahim
The glass would simply be null terminated - Joe D
And the client says - didn't we ask for a plate??? - Kamal
[+57] [2009-06-05 22:16:26] Carlo

alt text

(1) That is a really good one!!!! - dplante
"count" and should best be declared in the for statement. - Daniel Daranas
(12) maybe it's classic C. I think it's missing a \n at the end of that string there though. - wds
or \r\n on DOS/Windows or \r on MAC. - Danny Varod
@Daniel: You can't declare count inside the for loop until C99. test.c: In function ‘main’: test.c:4: error: ‘for’ loop initial declaration used outside C99 mode - X-Istence
i should be unsigned ... - Tim Post
(1) @wds it is classic C. You don't include stdio.h in a C++ program. - Matthew
(2) Correct and well-written C90 code, except for the lack of the '\n' at the end of the string. (It's '\n' instead of "\r\n" or '\r'; it's the compiler's job to translate '\n' to whatever characters the OS needs to end the line with.) - David Thornley
vim version: <ESC>qqoI will not throw paper airplanes in class.<ESC>q500@q - unkiwii
@David but then how do you generate strings that are meant to be displayed on another OS? - Bart van Heukelom
@Bart: That's a special case, and if you're writing for an incompatible format you should probably write in binary format, also, which stdout doesn't do. - David Thornley
should be for (i=0;i<500;i++) otherwise it feels like basic; or for(i=500;i--;) - bestsss
[+56] [2009-02-17 05:53:08] gnovice

A bad one I just thought up...

I hear they make gender-specific versions of ActiveX now: ActiveXX and ActiveXY. Unfortunately, ActiveXX overflows for a few days every month and ActiveXY constantly tries to mount drives it shouldn't.

(4) Not too bad, actually, made me laugh a bit :P - SirDemon
Definitely not funny. - canavanin
[+55] [2009-02-11 16:52:13] devdimi

xkcd: Real programmers

[+55] [2009-02-08 05:27:22] BBetances

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

(3) My grandpa told me a non-CS variant of this several years ago. It went something like this: A young man finds a genie's lamp. He rubs it, and out pops the genie. "For freeing me from the lamp, I shall grant you one wish," the genie says. The man thinks for a moment, then says "I wish for a road to Hawaii." The genie gasps. "What a thing to ask for! Even for me it would take years to complete! Do you have a simpler wish?" The man thinks long and hard this time, then he says "I wish to understand women." The genie looks at the man, sighs, and says "You want two or four lanes on that road?" - bcat
[+55] [2008-10-26 13:17:43] JXG

Not exactly a programming joke, but related enough:

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staking out an empty house.

They see two people walk in.

Later, they see three people walk out.

The biologist says, "They must have multiplied!"

The engineer says, "I think it was measurement error."

The mathematician says, "Now, if exactly one person walks into the house, it will have zero people in it again."

I think, there is minor edit needed, shouldn't it be that they see 1 person walk in and later two walk out? - questzen
two in, three out, i suspect. - DarenW
As I'm sure you all know from programming with arrays, an off-by-1 error always happens when you least expect it... A TRUE computer scientist would say, they see N people walk in. Then they see N+1 people walk out. But that's in its own category of pedantry. - JXG
(74) The computer scientist says "There are 2147483648 people in the house." - TokenMacGuy
tokenmacguy, nice one :-) - Ilya Birman
(21) @TokenMacGuy, only if you have 31 bit unsigned integers. 4294967295 seems more likely. - Doug McClean
(1) @questzen Are you suggesting asexual reproduction? That's quite a stretch. - Bob Aman
[+55] [2009-05-27 02:52:35] slf

This is one I've been telling for years and I'm always surprised when people haven't heard it:

Three programmers meet accidentally at the urinal while attending a technical conference. The first programmer finishes up his business, washes his hands with loads of water, walks over to the towels and uses almost the entire roll to dry his hands. He turns to the other two and says "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second programmer finishes up, walks over to the sink and washes his hands with much less water, then uses a single towel to dry his hands. He remarks to the other two "At IBM, we are trained not only to be very thorough, but also very efficient."

The third programmer finishes his business, walks right past the sink and towel rack and lauds over his shoulder as he walks out the door: "At Apple we don't piss on our hands!"

The original way I heard it was with Motorolla / DEC and Sun I think but you can change the joke depending on who you are telling it to :)

(3) Awesome... Consider this stolen :) - Dutchie432
(2) I heard this originally as any Ivy League (e.g. Harvard/Yale/Dartmouth in some order) joke. I'm sure it has many, many forms. - Tyler McHenry
Health tip. That's, ah, not the only way you contaminate your hands. Don't be that guy. - fennec
[+55] [2009-04-28 14:55:55] soulmerge

It compiles! Let's ship it.

(5) Please don't go there. - epochwolf
Made me laugh so much! - Jader Dias
(8) Sadly, this is usually not said as a joke. - jmucchiello
(1) Oh, the question was about jokes? Guess I posted the answer in the wrong tab ;) - soulmerge
[+53] [2009-06-03 20:04:42] community_owned

Q: How come there is not obfuscated Perl contest?

A: Because everyone would win.

(13) - rpkelly
[+53] [2009-09-04 07:16:42] Markus Scheucher

When Shakespeare asked, To be, or not to be?, he did not provide the answer. But programming can. Well the answer is FF.

2B |~ 2B = FF

(4) (toBE || !toBe) == true, 0xFF if you cast the result to a char. - Danny Varod
Either way, the answer is clear - Mike Robinson
(3) @Danny: Isn't true, cast to char, one? - Joe D
@Joe - no, (char)true == 0xff, (short)true == 0xffff, ... (For signed types -1, for unsigned it is MAX_...) - Danny Varod
(1) @Danny: Have you tested it? ;) - Joe D
What about: /(bb|[^b]{2})/ - Keenora Fluffball
[+53] [2009-10-12 12:26:47] Roland



Very very very creative! - sangam
(5) Would work better as the great escape though... - Joe D
Quick! Before the Ctrl police get you! Shift into high gear! Jump over that Space! Run Home! Return to where you belong! - Maxpm
[+53] [2009-02-19 01:32:28] instcode

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

(3) rofl @ inherit them - Eduardo León
[+52] [2008-12-13 06:20:40] Mike Kantor

A mathematician, a physicist, a civil engineer, and a computer programmer are asked (after a few beers) to show that all odd numbers greater than 1 are prime.

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, by induction they're all prime.

Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime -- clearly, they're all prime.

Civil Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime -- sure, they're all prime.

Programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime......

(1) Duplicate but told better than the other one :) - Coentje
(1) Apparently I've already upvoted this, but now I don't get it. Why does the programmer get stuck on 7? - Michael Myers
(2) As i can understand he's stuck on the last prime nubmer found, since 9 isn't prime the program keeps looping there. - Anirudh Goel
(6) I don't get it. That's clearly just a result of buggy code, and thus has no relevance to what a programmer would actually do. Oh, wait... - Ilari Kajaste
(3) It's not a bug - it's a feature of implementing the requirement - to prove all odd numbers > 1 are prime, a good programmer always implements the requirements. - Danny Varod
i still dont get it - Joe Hopfgartner
[+52] [2009-08-16 19:09:26] Zee

Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's very good. When it's bad, it's better than nothing.

(11) Bad documentation is to good documentation as carbon monoxide is to oxygen. - Kyralessa
reading the source code is much better than bad documentation, in a way bad doc is just waste of time and resources. - bestsss
[+51] [2009-10-30 16:18:13] Kamal

It's been said that if you play a windows CD backwards, you'll hear satanic chanting...worse still if you play it forwards, it installs windows.

[+50] [2008-10-24 16:04:23] Rontologist

IT is a funny industry. Can you think of any other group of people that would make an acronym as an excuse to say sexy (SCSI) and have everyone mispronounce it as scuzzy.

The previous name for that interface was SASI. So scuzzy fits the already established style. - Darron
@Darron - I know, but that doesn't make a good joke. ;) - Rontologist
(7) As a matter of fact, the IT industry has SECS -- the Semiconductor Equipment Communications Standard. We do pronounce it as it should, but must suffer the endless jokes. - TonJ
(4) The solid state department at my uni used to be called "Solid State Experimental" (SSEX) until they changed their name to EXSS for some strange reason. - Markus
@Rontolgist A good joke shouldn't need to make such a hash of words like that. - thecoshman
[+49] [2008-10-25 18:23:52] Gorro

Q: How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?
A: Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it

(2) This is torture to a cockroach! - Fabio Gomes
That's so harsh. Amazing! - aaaidan
(37) In other words Windows is killing bugs? - Jonathan C Dickinson
(8) No, it's just calling all of them features. - Sneakyness
(2) No, it just kills hardware. - nilamo
(1) I've always told my kids there are only two ways to kill a cockroach: dismemberment and incineration, but now there are three. - C.W.Holeman II
[+49] [2008-11-01 07:51:10] Dean
user.scream("OH, DARN YOU");}

Brilliant. I like this code-poem because it's natural to read. - aaaidan
For the record: - avakar
+1 for the poetry! - Ilari Kajaste
[+49] [2009-12-22 11:18:54] Mathias Bynens

How programming language fanboys see each others’ languages

How programming language fanboys see each others’ languages

(9) Looks like someone added Haskell to the mix: - Mathias Bynens
Java is really funny - YouKnowWho
I would love to see .NET fan boys point of view .. - YouKnowWho
(3) How LISP fanboys see other programmers: - Mathias Bynens
It's pretty annoying how virtually everyone on here blatantly ignores the fangirls - they do exist! - canavanin
[+48] [2009-06-04 23:19:55] Amanda S

An actual conversation I had with my fiancée:

Me: I just saw a red-black squirrel!
Her: Was it in a red-black tree?

(2) Awesome. Simply awesome. - savant
(9) She's a keeper. - jmucchiello
(21) Yup, marry that woman. - JeffV
But... How did she know!? You must be boring her to death with your computer talk! - Leo Jweda
@JeffV I did, last August. :o) - Amanda S
(1) @Leo Jweda What the hell? She knows about red-black trees because she's a software engineer, and our "boring computer talk" is one of the most fun and interesting parts of our marriage. Next time, keep your sexist assumptions to yourself. - Amanda S
Aww... Sorry! :) - Leo Jweda
[+48] [2008-11-25 20:31:53] labratmatt

Might not be a joke, but certainly is a piece of humor:

Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I'll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems.

Jamie Zawinski

(3) It's a [1][Jamie Zawinski] quote - very talented, very funny programmer. [1] - jwhitlock
[+46] [2008-10-25 17:59:15] RoadWarrior

Computers are high-speed idiots, programmed by low-speed idiots.

(3) Other way around. - Sneakyness
[+46] [2008-10-24 16:46:52] Martin Cote

A programmer to his friends (also programmers):

"I met a hot girl last night. I brought her home and we began kissing furiously. I sat her on the keyboard and ..."

"You've got a computer at home? What's the CPU?"

(12) Who here can honestly say they'd ask "What's the CPU?"? It's not 1993 anymore. - Dominic Bou-Samra
agreed, we'd be asking, "so what size is you monitor?" - Nathan Koop
(5) I think nowadays you would ask "Mac or PC?" - ApoY2k
(8) Way back when a programmer would be surprised by another programmer having a computer at home, neither Mac nor PC was constructed (and the CPU took half a room) ... - Rasmus Kaj
No it should be GPU! With new stuff like OpenCL its all the rage. - community_owned
@ ApoY2k: One would think you'd already know, if you were talking to your friends... - Isaac Lubow
[+45] [2008-10-24 15:49:45] Steve Fallows

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you would have to do is call the light-bulb-change method.

(36) None: It's a hardware problem. - dalle
As someone else posted here - there are many flavors of this joke. Just depends who you want to take a poke at. :) - Steve Fallows
AMEN! I hate getters and setters! - moffdub
C++ doesn't have messages... - sebnow
@sebnow: terminology issue - member function/method calls are conceptually the same thing. Fixed. - Steve Fallows
@dalle But c++ is a low level language, it should interface directly with the hardware. - Joe D
[+45] [2008-11-12 18:09:22] Dano

A son asked his father(a programmer) why the sun rises in the east, and sets in the west. His response?

It works, don't touch!

(9) And for that matter, don't look at it too closely. ;) - Doug McClean
(3) If the sun had unit tests it wouldn't be as risky to touch it. - JeffH
(3) Maybe it does. But sadly the source code is proprietary. - Miral
Don't programmers always inspire to improve, or is that just software engineers? - Danny Varod
(1) The way I heard it: (turns his head away from the monitor) -Does it really? -Yes! -Have you checked several times? -Yes, dad. -Then for god's sake, don't touch anything!!! - romkyns
[+45] [2009-02-02 18:25:06] Jim Blizard

This is as far as I know anonymous.


'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
with hopes that a miracle would soon be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete!
on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete!
His eyes were glazed-over, fingers nimble and lean,
from weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk;

And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
the systems came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
the inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
with nary an abend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The users' last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

(1) That was awesome. - David Anderson
(3) Tres bon, the end makes it all worth it. - tj111
[+45] [2009-11-04 02:45:22] Joel

A year ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and I have observed that this new program started an unexpected subroutine called Son, which occupies almost all my space and important resources. Also, Wife 1.0 auto-installs as a host in all my programs and auto-starts every time I want to use any of them. Apps like Beers With Friends 10.3 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer work.

Every now and then, a spyware program called In-Law 1.0 starts and freezes Wife 1.0. I haven't been able to uninstall this spyware and I cannot minimize Wife 1.0 if I want to run any of my favorite apps. I'm thinking about downgrading to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall IS NOT WORKING!!! Please Help!!


Dear User:

This is a known bug submitted by users. In most cases the source is pretty simple. Many users go from version Girlfriend X.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking Wife 1.0 is an utilities and entertainment app. However, Wife 1.0 is designed to control the system entirely. It is very unlikely that you'll be able to uninstall Wife 1.0 and return to any version of Girlfriend. There are hidden files on Girlfriend X.0 that will make it work just like Wife 1.0.

Some users have tried clean formatting their systems in order to install Girlfriend Plus 1.0 or Wife 2.0 but ended with bigger problems afterwards. Please refer to the warning section on the read-me file, specifically the alimony chapter.

Also, if you update to Girlfriend 8.0, do not update to Wife 2.0 because problems will be worst, expensive and not recommended for normal users. Frequently used upgrades include Celibacy 1.0 or Gay/Lesbian 5.3.

I personally have Wife 1.0 installed and suggest you explore the manual in its entirety. The user agreement states that the user shall be responsible for any problem, no matter the cause. A really powerful command, which normally un-freezes the application can be found under C:/IMSORRY.EXE. Having said that, Wife 1.0 is really interesting but has very expensive updates. Recommended plugins include Flowers 12.0, Jewels 2.3 and Vacations 2.3. Yeshoney 9.0 and Whateveryousay 12.3 are also very popular.

Finally, Wife 1.0 is not compatible with MiniSkirtSecretary 3.3. Installing it can cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

+1 : May be I should think 100 times before upgrading to wife 1.0 - YouKnowWho
(19) This bug has been fixed by the DIVORSE 1.0 plug-in - Pieter888
(7) I think I have a 0.97b version of Wife. There are some bugs, but the development stopped. I've got the source code, but I don't know what language it is. I try to figure out, but there is no time for debugging because I compiled a Daughter (bugs, beta etc) with this version of Wife. I am expecting a working Son until January. All these buggy things... - Vili
I am really unknown to wife1.0, but have very little user experience with GirlFriend7.0. I don't know what a technology Wife1.x is and I am surprised why I see everywhere that people ultimately end up with registering with Wife1.x. Perhaps addiction to the trend? Anyway, I am very seriously concerned that someone take lead role in development of something new that comprises of the best of both Girlfriend7.0 and Wife1.x. This may need expensive resources but will surely be a big hit. And at the last, could there be something like GFwitter (mini-WifeBook)? Sure to be another big hit, if any! - sangam
(1) HILARIOUS! I LOVE THIS :) - Jacob Relkin
(1) This is why I never go with trendy software. - Corey Hart
@Pieter: Help -- I installed the DIVORCE 1.0 plug-in and now half of my resources are gone! - Dinah
This makes me cray - Costa
totally awsome !!! - FosterZ
[+44] [2009-10-18 23:55:45] Jez

Windows is...

a 64 bit rewrite of

a 32 bit extension to

a 16 bit api to

an 8 bit kernel for

a 4 bit microprocessor by

a 2 bit company that can't stand

1 bit of competition.

[+43] [2009-01-06 09:13:23] driAn

What is the definition of programmer?

Programmers are machines that turn coffee into code.

Actually, a programmer is a tool that converts caffeine into code. - OregonGhost
(5) I object to being called a tool :P - BenAlabaster
(13) The original quote is "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." by Paul Erdős. - blizpasta
Oh I'm sorry I voted it up when it was 42 :( - Loïc Faure-Lacroix
[+43] [2008-10-28 07:19:10] Sam

The shortest programmer joke:

"I'm nearly done!"

(in german: "Ich habs gleich!")

"It compiles!" - Adam Liss
Aah yes, in english it's shorter, right! - Sam
(2) 4 syllables in english, just 3 in german - Claudiu
In portuguese "Está quase!!" 2 syllables :) - fmsf
(1) @fmsf: thats 4 syllables. The shortest is in spanish: "es fin!" - BBetances
Doesn't "es fin" mean "I'm done" and not "I'm nearly done!" - configurator
(2) In english you could say "nearly done!" - Jonta
(1) Japanese: すぐ! Sugu! ;) - deceze
(1) In german you could shorten it to "Habs gleich!" - arturh
In chilean spanish: Ta lihto! (3 syllables) - Rodrigo
in windows 3.1 (blue) - Mark Schultheiss
@BBatances En español de donde? - OscarRyz
In Mexican spanish: Ya mero! - OscarRyz
Spanish of everywhere: ¡Acabé! (I'm finished!) For "I'm nearly done!" -> ¡Casi acabé! <- Although this one sounds a bit forced :) - machielo
"¡Ya casi!" o "¡Casi!", meaning "Almost!". - Tordek
@Claudiu: Yeah, but at least we don't need 6 syllables to say "Jeep"! (i.e., Leichtekübelwagen) - Robusto
In latin: Dixi! - topright
"es fin" means literally "it's end" and doesn't make too much sense. This would be "Casi termino". And, "Está quase" is 2 syllables long? I don't know Portuguese, but I'm almost sure it's 2 words, but 4 syllables. - Petruza
By the way, "casi acabo" also means "I almost cum" so programmers don't say this ever, at least not to another person. :D - Petruza
[+42] [2009-05-07 12:45:52] Mike Bethany

These are real quotes from people I know:

Programmer 1: "We'll have to do a keycapture..."

Programmer 2: {interrupting} "..yeah and they're fast f**kers."

Programmer 1: "Sounds like user error to me."

Programmer 2: "Yeah, they shouldn't have used it."

Programmer 1: Looking at a resume... "Whats a Senor Application Developer?"

Programmer 2: "That's a Mexican programmer..."

Last one was good :-) - Danny Varod
(3) Only the last one was good - MAK
where the hell do you work!! - medopal
Yes only last one was really funny - Shervin
Context is everything. The first one was one was on a conference call to a client... luckily they have the same sense of humor as us so we didn't get fired. - Mike Bethany
(1) The second one sounds like a Statler and Waldorf joke. - siride
[+41] [2009-05-30 20:51:29] vobject

KDE or Gnome - it's like deciding which fat girl you want to date.

I'm surprised no KDE or GNOME zealots were offended because of this... ;) - Joe D
hahaha my fav so var! - Joe Hopfgartner
But the more those fat girls date, the slimmer they become. - Bart van Heukelom
If you get to know them better you can probably persuade them to do some workout :-) - vobject
(1) ... a joke by the stereotypically fat computer guys... - canavanin
[+41] [2008-10-24 17:31:44] AdamBT

JIT Happens! :)

...Omg... really? - icco
@icco:yes, it happened a few milisecs ago. - Behrooz
[+40] [2009-06-29 23:13:04] Bjørn Furuknap

Writing XML is like being an alcoholic. It may give you a sense of control while you're doing it, but it's only when you stop and look at what you have done that you realize how much trouble you've caused.

damn! i just thought of hacking SO, just to upvote this one twice - Suraj Chandran
[+40] [2009-08-15 20:38:37] Ville Laurikari

I � Unicode.

what ? - eyelidlessness
The ? was a heart until a substellar programmer converted it to a code page that couldn't handle it. - Windows programmer
(1) It's a shame you're ambivalent, I &#10084; Unicode. - Eamon Nerbonne
(2) It makes a point though - OscarRyz
Is that an anteater? - Markus
[+39] [2009-04-18 16:23:23] THEn

Year 2014. Little girl asks her mommy. - Mommy who is this man that always sit on computer and always talks to himself? - He is your dad. He is a programmer. Several years ago he found website called and ...

(19) ... got stuck to the damn thread named "Programmer Jokes — what’s your best one?" (Reading for almost an hour now^^) - Kevin D.
@kevin: lol! enough to read page 7 xD - Andrea Ambu
doh! Touché? . . . . . - OscarRyz
(3) lol im in the same situation! - LnDCobra
[+39] [2009-10-26 11:19:36] Arkadiusz Kondas

Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
very long pause….
- Java.

Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- C++.

Knock, knock.
- Assembler.

now its not true .. - nicky
(2) Although im a Java developer, and Java made a huge step in speed, but still compared to C++, who are we kidding - medopal
LOL @ assembly My version: kno... pascal - Jus12
vb6:Knock, Knock. SendKeys("Beginners All purpose Symbolic Idiot Code") - Behrooz
[+39] [2009-11-20 13:48:36] cartoonfox

"Are you going to sit and type in front of that thing all day or are you going out with me?" -- programmer's girlfriend

"Yes" -- programmer

I would anwser "true". - Luc M
(17) She should’ve asked “Are you going to sit and type in front of that thing all day XOR are you going out with me?” - Mathias Bynens
"no - I was planning on eating for at least part of the day... maybe use the mouse a bit too" - Jeffrey Kemp
(1) my girlfriend gets really crazy when i say if you want something quickly then Skype me, dont call :) - medopal
@ cartoonfox: correct answer should be "true" (assuming he's a java programmer) @ Mathias: even then answer would be same. Correct would be "Are you going to sit and type in front of that thing all day AND are you NOT going out with me?" - Jus12
The problem is that she needs a switch statement. switch(dailyActivity){case "sit and type all day": print "I'm going to sit and type."; break; case "go out with you": print "I'm going to go out with you, of course. I even made reservations at the local Italian place."; break; default: print "I love you, and would be happy to do whatever you want as long as I don't have to make any tough decisions."; break; } Please note, this is pseudocode and likely not 100% correct in any language. Based on my husband's algorithm. I guessed at the text for the second case, as it's never been executed. - Ethel Evans
[+39] [2008-11-01 08:01:02] Grank

I stuck this on the fridge at work, because the dev process, as with everything in life, was obviously best described by Devo:

Whip It

This is being printed out to stick on the wall as I type this. - Brant Bobby
(4) But where the "Was it Whipped good?" branch? - James Curran
[+37] [2008-12-30 06:32:36] BenAlabaster

A snippet of a conversation that I found rather amusing from [1]:

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vacuums 
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense? 
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool? 
<TheXPhial> lava?

(4) - sirlancelot
WIN! - Cyclone
(14) How exactly is this a programmer joke? - Beska
@Beska: Read it like ThXPhial keeps interrupting what Guo_Si was trying to get across with pointless interjections and Guo_Si was getting frustrated with not being able to finish - then it's funny. - BenAlabaster
@Beska: People who have read it here are programmers, that's how. - Anax
[+37] [2009-11-25 17:13:33] Fred Medlin

Q: Why did the concurrent chicken cross the road?

A: the side other To to get

I'm afraid you gotta explain that one to me :( - ApoY2k
(3) You can never guarantee the order in which concurrent tasks will complete. So, the output is a naive attempt to distribute printing each word of the answer from a separate thread. - Fred Medlin
(8) is yoda also concurrent? - Jus12
[+37] [2009-10-20 18:01:04] Dave
  === This is the Honor System Virus ====
  If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, Unix, or
  Linux computer, please randomly delete
  several files from your hard disk drive and
  forward this message to everyone you know.

[+37] [2009-07-22 18:38:12] community_owned

The programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good <HEAD> on her <BODY>, reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searches his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend - sometimes even without a secure socket. His last girlfriend always complained about his lack of comments. He fumed, "I hate commenting!" Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as "Feature Creep." He smacked her back-end and shouted, "Who's your parent node?!" He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm but her response was 403. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine routine, she screamed, "Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You're 1337, baby!" This caused his stack to overflow, and he shot his GUI on her interface.

(2) Wow...just wow. - Mike Robinson
(1) +1 Excellent, dripping with creepy evil :-) - scraimer
the "who's your parent node"? - Jus12
this is a pure wtf :) - Suraj Chandran
+1 for weird and unique at the same time - Chris
[+37] [2009-08-17 06:22:40] statenjason

Your Moms So Fat... StackOverflowException

Upvoting for the first metajoke. Sort of a metajoke, anyway. - sli
[+36] [2009-10-23 00:26:54] Loki Stormbringer

Three programmers go into a bar and sit down at a table. The first programmer holds up two fingers and says "Three beers".

I am not sure whether I am getting it or not. Am I missing something real funny? - Adeel Ansari
(12) There are 10 types of people. Those who get binary jokes and those who don't. - Loki Stormbringer
Actually, the confusion was the word 'holds'. IMO, 'raises' might be a better word here. May be I am wrong, not an English native. I was holding my two fingers with my other hand, and didn't really understand this act. Nice joke though. - Adeel Ansari
Ah, I see. Actually this is really more of a "sight" joke. When you tell it you wouldn't say 'holds up two fingers" you would just do it. - Loki Stormbringer
There are 11 types of people. Those who get FUNNY binary jokes, and the other two. - Faruz
(14) Would have been a disaster if there were 4 programmers :-) - Jus12
@WTFITS no it wouldn't. The clearly defined protocol would state the little finger is most significant, the thumb being header data flag for when ordering non beer. Thus to order four you hold up just on finger, the one next to you little finger (normally the ring finger is it called) - thecoshman
He is Mahmoud Ahmady-Nejad. - Behrooz
I don't know why, but of all the 1101010 binary jokes, this is the only funny 1. - harpo
(2) This isn't a binary joke, 3 is just zero-indexed. - Kyle
[+36] [2008-11-14 21:00:35] Robert S.

What do you call a programmer from Finland?


[+36] [2008-10-24 15:56:11] Gulzar

There are no shortcuts in life, unless you right click and find one...

[+35] [2008-10-28 20:22:53] rich

Q: What did the Java code say to the C code?
A: You've got no class.

"Class" is just a buzzword! - sebnow
"Buzz" is just a four letter word - schnaader
(1) Q: What did the C++ code say to the java code? A: Never mind, here's a few pointers. - Keith Paul Barrow
[+35] [2008-11-28 09:07:29] community_owned

How many Intel hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?


But Its close enough for most people.

I'm surprised so many people got this, then again, it was a pretty big deal. - Sneakyness
I don't get it. What? - Biosci3c
(1) @Biosci3c: Intel sort of screwed the pooch on something in the pentium processor's FPU which caused a division error and didn't admit fault until it became huge news. Summary of the Events in Question. - Reese Moore
Excellent link! Thanks. - Biosci3c
[+34] [2008-12-17 08:34:55] melaos

Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science

Wire wrapped board. Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

(1) Being myself a Electronical Engineer turned Software Developer.... - Mario Ortegón
And I would have used a mechanical countdown knob (you've seen those right?). - Joshua
(18) ....... TLDR ;-) - corlettk
(1) TL;DR. I can't upvote a comment with bad grammar. - Sneakyness
[+34] [2008-10-24 17:15:10] RoadWarrior

Program, noun: A magic spell cast upon a computer to enable it to turn input into error messages.

I don't get this one... - crosenblum
[+34] [2009-10-16 08:37:52] Pierre

wife to programmer: "Buy a stick of butter. If they have eggs, bring 10" He's back w/10 sticks of butter & says "They had eggs"

(via toraks [1])


(2) (Laughter) => (Either I'm too deprived of sleep) OR (that's very funny) - Danny Varod
nice, takes some thinking though. - Pieter888
(3) Isn't this a duplicate? - FUZxxl
[+34] [2009-08-16 07:39:44] Martin DeMello

my favourite: "Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration." - Stan Kelly-Bootle

haha one of the best ones :) - Joe Hopfgartner
[+33] [2009-07-13 14:06:05] community_owned

The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."

Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.

"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.

The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this one and I'll go rustle us up another!"

All too true... - Technobabble
[+32] [2009-10-09 11:43:05] Andrew
Here's an easy game to play. 
Here's an easy thing to say.... 

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, 
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, 
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, 
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! 
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, 
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, 
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, 
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

Gene Ziegler [1]


(5) ... So you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, cuz as sure as I'm a poet, this sucker's gonna hang! - tsilb
[+32] [2009-10-20 16:18:09] Gergely Orosz

"Why did Microsoft name their new search engine BING?"

"Because It's Not Google!"

(5) Isn't that actually close to the truth? "Bing Is Not Google" - Jeffrey Kemp
I believe it might be true!! - medopal
You can say that again. - harpo
[+32] [2008-10-24 17:37:37] plinth

For a study in problem solving, a programmer and a mathematician are each put into test kitchens and asked to boil water. At the start of the study, each grabs a pencil and start scribbling notes furiously, covering the walls and counters with UML diagrams, heat exchange equations, proofs of completeness and so on. After several hours of sweat, each picks up a pot, fills it with water at the sink, puts it on the stove, turns on the burner and waits.

Then the kitchens are cleaned out and they're given the same task, except this time the pot already has water in it and is sitting on the stove. The programmer grabs his pencil and starts drawing out class hierachies, designs a metalanguage with a LALR parser, and continues covering the kitchen with notes. Finally the programmer turns on the burner and waits.

The mathematician stares at the pot for a few minutes, picks it up and dumps it out and writes on the counter, "reduced to a problem already solved."

(1) The second paragraph is a little off, but the final punchline is so incredibly true.... - akdom
Heh, that's a good one. - Jonta
Reduced to a problem already solved! Hahaha!!! - Eduardo León
Change to NP Complete - amischiefr
Theoretical computer scientists do this too (; - Precision
[+32] [2008-10-24 15:46:34] James Curran

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that know binary & those that don't"

(2) There are 11 kinds of people in this world. Those that know binary, those that don't, and 9 subtypes of those who really don't care one way or the other. - gnud
(26) There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that know ternary, those that don't and those that think it's binary. - Even Mien
(8) There are 1 kinds of people in this world, those who understand optimization. Everyone else is the default case. - ReaperUnreal
i have a tshirt like that - Hugo
(1) What about the other 1000 people? - some
(8) There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that know binary and those that have girlfriends. - CodeFusionMobile
@CodeFusionMobile - you forgot almost half of the world's population: Straight women who don't know binary :-D - Ethel Evans
[+32] [2008-10-25 17:47:30] RoadWarrior

Getting a SCSI chain working is perfectly simple if you remember that there must be exactly three terminations: one at each end of the cable, and one for the goat, terminated over the SCSI chain with a silver-handled knife whilst burning black candles.

Very few of these made me literally laugh. This one definitely did - Dinah
Somehow I believe that only people with hands- on experience in this subject can laugh about that one, and believe me, I did - what a pitty, it would have deserved a much better rating! - mh
This one killed me, and I agree with mh. - Ölbaum
[+32] [2008-11-28 12:33:45] community_owned

Optimist : The glass is half full. Pessimist : The glass is half empty. Coder: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

An engineer would say that, a coder would say that much mountain dew is not nearly enough to make my code complete. - Soldier.moth
(7) I would say that the glass clearly has a memory leak. - indyK1ng
(4) This was already mentioned - furtelwart
That's a George Carlin joke. - Mike Two
There are 10 types of people, those that post new jokes and those that repost existing ones. - Danny Varod
A duplicate of mine from over a year prior:… - Dennis Williamson
[+31] [2008-11-26 13:00:13] annakata

Not quite CS, but I'm sure it can be appreciated here:

"An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard.

After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.

A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.

This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny."

[+31] [2009-11-01 21:34:44] streetparade

My favorit alt text

(2) You posted this two times, see… - sth
so true it hurts - Peter Perháč
my manager do that all the time on the production, makes me crazy - medopal
lol .. love the stubble of the programmer - Jus12
[+31] [2009-04-21 00:18:13] Lance Kidwell

A scrupulous and honest programmer checked his receipt from a convenience store and found they had neglected to charge him for the new cigarette taxes recently mandated by congress. He wrestled with his conscience about returning the money and pointing out the mistake, but in the end he decided it best to make an exception for the sin tax error.

(6) ow. - Beska
[+31] [2009-05-07 12:36:25] Velika

Q: What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A: A computer will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.

Now it accepts tiny little USB Flash disks LOL ... - THEn
(13) When is the last time you saw a 3.5" Floppy? - ojblass
(38) Wait... don't answer that. - ojblass
HAHAHHAHAA ojblass - Petey B
So you could brag about using an old BBC basic then!!! - Sohnee
(16) Baby you make my floppy turn into a hard drive. - CodeFusionMobile
[+30] [2009-08-02 20:28:15] Victor Hurdugaci

One day, the prince goes to the dragon lair in order to kill the dragon.

When the dragon shows up, the prince cuts off his head but two new heads appear. The prince cuts off the two heads and four appear. The prince cuts off the four heads and 16 appear. ... The prince cuts off the 128 heads and 256 appear. The prince cuts off the 256 heads and the dragon dies. Why?

A: It was an 8 bit dragon.

(12) Sounds like a 9-bit dragon to me, else already 128*2 == 0... - sth
(7) It is a 0 head-indexed dragon. 1 head = 0000 0000; 2 heads = 0000 0001; ... ; 256 heads = 1111 1111 :) - Victor Hurdugaci
(7) @Victor Then it shouldn't it have had 1 head when the 256 were cut off? - Drakonite
(5) These comments are more funny than the joke. - Beska
(27) What was he doing attacking a dragon with a sword of left-shifting? - jmucchiello
lmao, the comments are so funny - Red33mer
@Victor Hurdugaci 1111 1111 is 255 - ralu
"When the dragon shows up, the prince cuts off his head" ... Bah. Wimp. - Markus
[+30] [2009-10-21 13:13:20] user179168
//   @author Ganesh Prasad

import org.religion.*

public class LordsPrayer {
  public void pray() {
    // Our Father, who art in heaven,
    God ourFather = Heaven.getGodInstance();

    // Hallowed be thy Name.
    ourFather.getName().setHallowed( true );

    // Thy kingdom come.
    ourFather.getKingdom().setWelcome( true );

    // Thy will be done in earth
    // As it is in heaven.
    boolean isWillDone = Heaven.isWillDone( ourFather );
    Earth.setWillDone( ourFather, isWillDone );

    // Give us this day our daily bread.
    Bread dailyBread = ourFather.getBread( new Date() );

    // And forgive us our trespassess,
    // As we forgive those who trespass against us.
    synchronized {
       ourFather.forgive( this.getTrespasses() );
       this.forgive( this.getTrespassers() );

    // And lead us not into temptation;
    // But deliver us from evil:
    ourFather.removeTemptationListener( this );
    ourFather.deliverFrom( Evil, this );

    // For thine is the kingdom, and the power,
    // and the glory, for ever.
    for (;;) {
       Kingdom.setOwner( ourFather );
       Power.setOwner( ourFather );
       Glory.setOwner( ourFather );

    // Amen.

(15) Unreachable prayer detected: finalize(); - Carlo
(16) Exception thrown in Heaven.getGodInstance(); "god" does not exist in this context - Mark
@Carlo: I would suggest putting the infinite loop into a new asynchronous thread ;) - arik-so
@arik-so:then we will have an ObjectDisposedException. - Behrooz
Instead of the infinite loop use kingdom.addOwnershipChangedListener( ... kingdom.setOwner(ourFather) ... ); - Bart van Heukelom
[+30] [2008-11-25 07:28:30] community_owned


(1) Jon Skeet would. - Ellery Newcomer
[+30] [2008-10-24 15:58:57] thursdaysgeek

The new (insert current fast processor, but when I heard it, the value was "cray") is so fast, it can execute an infinite loop in only 3 seconds.

(16) I think the modern equivalent is "Chuck Norris". - Peter
(7) A good compiler will make it run in less ;) - Liran Orevi
(4) @Peter, no, it's Skeet. - Jonathan C Dickinson
(8) Peter, you mean "The new Cray is so fast it can execute Chuck Norris in only 3 seconds?" - Ölbaum
(1) The new Chuck Norris is so fast, it can execute an infinite loop in only 3 seconds. - THEn
(2) The new Cray is so fast, it can execute infinite Chuck Norrises in only 3 seconds. - Axarydax
[+29] [2008-10-25 18:01:44] RoadWarrior

Computers let you make more mistakes than any other invention in history. With the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

That possible exception is also an 'exception' ;) - Liran Orevi
[+29] [2008-11-25 02:58:51] community_owned

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Light bulb works just fine on the machine on my desk...

Zero: that's a hardware problem. - Dinah
[+28] [2008-10-24 20:33:24] avgbody

A classic one from learning finite state machines: "Kleeneliness is next to Gödeliness"

(1) That, is awesome. - RJFalconer
[+28] [2008-10-27 00:16:05] user8863

Personal one I came up with:

"Pirates go arg!!!, Computer pirates go argv!!" - mempko

(1) sounds like a Scandinavian pirate to me - Ellery Newcomer
(7) I like how he quoted himself - Omar
(1) @Ellery: That'd be a viking - Jauco
Not argc??? Or would that just be the amount of times they go argv!! - Joe D
As someone awesome I know said "I like quoting myself" -mempko - user8863
To err is human. To arr is pirate. (read that somewhere...) - canavanin
[+28] [2009-08-17 11:30:42] spatz

Rome wasn't built in O(1).

(6) How do you know, unless they built two Romes of different sizes? - Alderath
(2) You still won't know. You need an infinite number of Romes in order to check that assertion. - Windows programmer
I know that shooting you with n bullets will take O(n) and I don't need an infinite number of bullets to verify that assertion. - spatz
(5) If you only have a finite number of bullets then you won't be able to distinguish O(n) from O(1). The time required to fire all n bullets will be some length of time, Z seconds. Z is a constant. Z is O(1). No matter what number of bullets you decide to fire, it will take Z seconds or less. O(1). - Windows programmer
(1) That makes no sense. Do you know what O(n) means? - jmucchiello
(3) Yes I know what O(n) means, and O(various other functions), and various other kinds of asymptotic behaviour. Do you know how far an argument has to extend in order to get an asymptote? - Windows programmer
You could use the number of buildings as the input size. - Danny Varod
[+28] [2009-08-16 14:44:47] mykhaylo

Colors or words - what do You prefer ? alt text

The hex code, for some of them it is much easier to tell apart. - Danny Varod
Right over Danny's head - Zhoooooom! - Dennis Williamson
Am I in trouble if I don't get this? That's the natural way of picking colors isn't? - OscarRyz
(4) I didn't know Lolcats were such a nice shade of blue! - sli
[+27] [2009-04-01 14:06:33] Dinah

Heisenberg [1] gets pulled over by the police. The officer asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg answers, “No, but I know exactly where I am!”


-1: the joke's good, but it's not a programming joke. - SnOrfus
(4) Although it's not a programming joke, this one is absolutely AWESOME! - Kevin D.
(5) This reminds me of Futurama, The Professor in the races quantum finish: "No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it" Not programming related but funny =P - Carlo
gr8 ................... - Joe Hopfgartner
[+27] [2008-10-31 18:57:13] DaveJustDave

Q: Why should OS X be afraid of Windows 7?

A: Because 7 8 9. And 10 is next.

Mac OS is (almost) at 10.6. - sebnow
(1) Well, Windows will floor the thing anyways... - Svish
Svish: I presume you have used Mac OSX enough to come to such a fair, non-exaggerating conclusion? Good joke. - Jonta
(43) Actually, 10 is NeXT... - Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen
If Microsoft decides to use octal numbers, it won't take that long. - Danny Varod
[+26] [2008-10-25 19:03:04] Jason Kester

There are three types of people in this world:

(34) I came up with this one in a better format: "There are two types of people in this world: those who understand recursion and those who don't understand that there are two types of people in this world: ..." - niXar
[+26] [2008-10-25 03:45:04] Slace
if(you.AreHappy && you.KnowIt){

So stupid, but had to upvote. - aaaidan
(5) consider: you.Hands.Clap() - CrashCodes
(4) for each (o in you.hands){o.clap();} - svinto
(4) you->getHand(HAND_LEFT)->performAction(HAND_ACTION_CLAP, you->getHand(HAND_RIGHT)); Please consider. - LiraNuna
(1) LiraNuna, Refactor ... you->leftHand->clap(you->rightHand); - strager
foreach(var you in crowd.Where(are => are.Happy && are.KnowIt)) you.ClapHands(); - Jonathan C Dickinson
(1) Enterprise version: for(var hand in you.hands){ hand.clap() } - Mike Robinson
that should be you.Know(you.AreHappy). The knowing is about the being happy, of course... And this allows extending it to knowing other things, too, and taking differing actions depending on the object of knowledge... - AviD
(4) Stop it. Please. :) - Kensai
Excel version =IF(AND(you.AreHappy; you.KnowIt);you.ClapHands();"") - Anax
you match { case Happy => } - Jus12
forgot the know it part: you.knowIt match {...} - Jus12
function determineAction(you) {var it = you.Happy; return you.Hands.doClap(it && you.Know(it));} while(determineAction(window.User)); - Martin
[+26] [2009-05-01 13:55:10] Tim Lin

I always love the following poke at Java from Steve Yegge: [1]

A popular nursery rhyme in Javaland

For the lack of a nail,
    throw new HorseshoeNailNotFoundException("no nails!");

For the lack of a horseshoe,

For the lack of a horse,
      new BroadcastMessage(StableFactory.getNullHorseInstance()));

For the lack of a rider,
        new MessageMedium(MessageType.VERBAL),
        new MessageTransport(MessageTransportType.MOUNTED_RIDER),
        new MessageSessionDestination(BattleManager.getRoutingInfo(

For the lack of a message,

For the lack of a battle,
    try {
        synchronized(BattleInformationRouterLock.getLockInstance()) {
    } catch (InterruptedException ix) {
      if (BattleSessionManager.getBattleStatus(
               new TweedleBeetlePuddlePaddleBattle()).populate(
                 RegionManager.getArmpitProvince(Armpit.LEFTMOST)))) ==
          BattleStatus.LOST) {
        if (LOGGER.isLoggable(Level.TOTALLY_SCREWED)) {

For the lack of a war,
    new ServiceExecutionJoinPoint(
          new PublishSubscribeNotificationSchema()).getSchemaProxy().
              new NotificationSchemaPriority(SchemaPriority.MAX_PRIORITY),
              new PublisherMessage(MessageFactory.getAbstractMessage(
                new MessageTransport(MessageTransportType.WOUNDED_SURVIVOR),
                new MessageSessionDestination(
                PartyRoleManager.PARTY_KING ||
                PartyRoleManager.PARTY_GENERAL ||

All for the lack of a horseshoe nail.

(3) For those that don't have the correct import for cultural references: - Ilari Kajaste
[+26] [2009-07-02 16:26:09] Quassnoi

There are only 2 kinds of SQL developers:

(1) Oh, good god, I feel so bad for laughing at that joke. It makes me feel like a nerd. - Tordek
(2) I don't get this one.... - VoodooChild
@VoodooChild: Those who don't care have know_how_count_treats_null = NULL so they aren't counted - Bart van Heukelom
@Bart: those who don't care have know_how_count_treats_null IS NULL. know_how_count_treats_null = NULL evaluates to NULL. - Quassnoi
@Quassnoi: I didn't mean to write SQL but ok :P - Bart van Heukelom
[+26] [2009-08-19 13:56:33] Doomsday

A UNIX wizard hears cries of torment from his apprentice's computer room where the apprentice is studying, and goes to investigate.

He finds the apprentice in obvious distress, nearly on the verge of tears. "What's the problem?" he asks. "Why did you cry out?"

"It's terrible using this system. I must use four editors each day to get my studies done, because not one of them does everything."

The wizard nods sagely, and asks, "And what would you propose that will solve this obvious dilemma?"

The student thinks carefully for several minutes, and his face then lights up in delight. Excitedly, he says, "Well, it's obvious. I will write the best editor ever. It will do everything that the existing four editors do, but do their jobs better, and faster. And because of my new editor, the world will be a better place."

The wizard quickly raises his hand and smacks the apprentice on the side of his head. The wizard is old and frail, and the apprentice isn't physically hurt, but is shocked by what has happened. He turns his head to face the wizard. "What have I done wrong?" he asks.

"Fool!" says the wizard. "Do you think I want to learn yet another editor?"

Immediately, the apprentice is enlightened.

(1) This is a great koan. - Alex Brault
please explain im not sure whether i got it :D - Joe Hopfgartner
The story is about the UNIX editor war between vi and emacs. Both editors never gave up, while new ones "better,faster" never came in the UNIX world. - Doomsday
[+26] [2009-12-26 13:13:58] viky

If whitespace were truly white it would have show up on black background.

hehe, haven't thought of that actually. What would be the correct word for it then? - Shervin
@Shervin: I would like to rename it as "BlankSpace" - viky
@viky: Sounds better to me - Shervin
[+25] [2009-10-30 15:31:37] John Bode

For C-type languages...

    A bright young coder named Lee
    Wished to loop while i was 3
    But when writing the =
    He forgot its sequel
    And thus looped infinitely

(2) Beautiful! It moved me. - Pieter888
[+25] [2009-10-26 13:26:49] YouKnowWho

alt text

Very realistic and interesting visual fun! - sangam
Wrong thread. That's a cartoon, not a joke. - Kyralessa - peSHIr
[+25] [2008-10-25 18:05:16] RoadWarrior

Software salesmen and used-car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

(4) ... And some of them actually know how to drive. - Adriano Varoli Piazza
[+25] [2009-01-16 20:46:10] jedihawk


Your Name ___________________ Your Login Name ___________________ Which Project ____________________

  1. Urgency:

    <1 Hour ____   1-2 Hours ____  2-4 Hours ____
    Next Day ____  Next Week ____  Never     ____
  2. Reason for needing restore:

    Accidental Deletion ____  Accidental Corruption ____
    General Clumsiness  ____  Complete Stupidity    ____
    Klutz               ____
  3. Are you sure the file existed in the first place?

    Yes ____  No ____
  4. Are you sure the file isn't somewhere else?

    Yes ____  No ____
  5. How do you know the file isn't somewhere else?

  6. How long do you think it would take for you to re-create the file if a backup was not available?

  7. Don't you think it would be better if you hadn't deleted the file in the first place?

    Yes ____
  8. How much did you have to drink when you deleted the file?

    Pints ____              Gallons _____
  9. If you didn't want to delete the file, why did you type the command?

  10. Do you appreciate the amount of inconvenience that restoring a few files from a backup causes?

    No ____
  11. Have you deleted more work than you would normally create in a day?

    Yes ____  No ____
  12. Don't you feel really stupid having to rely on a backup to recover from your mistake?

    Yes ____  No ____
  13. Do you often regret things you have done?

    Yes ____  No ____
  14. Do you often worry about your responsibilities?

    Yes ____  No ____
  15. Do you worry about not being able to control your actions?

    Yes ____  No ____
  16. Do you think there is a connection between a person destroying their own work and having self destructive motivations?

    Yes ____  No ____
  17. Sign here:


(1) That was awesome. Finally, an explanation of why no one makes backups. - Windows programmer
(1) lol awesome ... this realy really make me laugh - OscarRyz
TLDR! &nbsp; &nbsp; - iamserious
[+24] [2009-10-26 11:50:09] Dilip

CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

SCSI: System Can’t See It

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

DOS: Defunct Operating System

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too

PnP: Plug and Pray

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.

WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

(3) +1 for WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW, its true most of the time - medopal
Macintosh apps rarely crash. - Time Machine
[+24] [2009-12-18 04:42:51] viky

Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.

[+24] [2009-03-22 00:49:09] Totophil

I read not to use my cat's name as a password, but over these years I've really got used to "B-43%^!n#C@"...

(3) I don't know why I think this is so funny but it is. Its like the old joke why did hellen kellers dog run away... you would too if your name was UUUUUUDFDFSDFSDFHSHDFHSDF! - ojblass
This one is great. Made me laugh - Pim Jager
Actually the joke went, why did Hellen Keller's dog run away - because she called him uuuurgh, why did her husband run away - because she called him by the dog's name. - Danny Varod
Why don't you just call your cat "C@" for short? - Jim Schubert
[+23] [2009-06-19 04:19:00] alex

(4) Wow. That is more sad than funny. - Nathan Long
golden oldy. still makes me lol. - Anonymous Type
[+23] [2009-08-16 20:31:56] Nir Levy

Child: Dad, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west?

Dad: Son, it's working, don't touch

(7) Yet another repeat. - Danny Varod
[+23] [2008-11-25 04:34:16] community_owned

Sex the UNIX way

# unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep

this is a duplicate - Rich Seller
If you're going to do more, do it! - Loren Pechtel
[+23] [2008-11-26 22:13:25] community_owned

UNIX is like eating insects.

It's all right once you get used to it.

Well unlike windows you CAN get used to it. - GameFreak
[+23] [2008-10-26 02:18:31] Dennis Williamson

This inherits from a joke about engineers:

A pessimistic programmer sees the array as half empty.

An optimistic programmer sees the array as half full.

A Real Programmer® sees the array as twice as big as it needs to be and calls realloc().

Shouldn't it be the other way around? An array with less elements takes less time to process. - titaniumdecoy
@titaniumdecoy: The amount of elements is the same, realloc is called to match the capacity (which is larger) to the amount of elements. - sebnow
Oh man, I hate realloc(). - jeffamaphone
A repeat. Besides, Programmer(R) !? - Danny Varod
(1) -1 for Danny. Mine is earlier than the other ones. Also, not "Programmer" but "Real Programmer®" - Dennis Williamson
[+23] [2008-10-24 17:36:34] Michael Easter

A J2EE architect, a dotNET guru, and a COBOL programmer walk into a bar. The barkeeper does a double-take and says... what is this, some kind of joke?

(3) I was thinking the same thing while reading this... - amischiefr
i dont get it ... - Joe Hopfgartner
HAHA LOL, that is so funny xD - Joe Hopfgartner
I don't get it either. - Biosci3c
[+23] [2008-10-24 17:46:24] RoadWarrior

When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.

[+22] [2008-10-25 20:01:25] Dour High Arch
dance: while( true ){
    if( something() ) break dance;

I wonder who up-voted this.. - Blindy
(3) I didn't do it. - Arnis L.
[+22] [2008-10-25 03:15:47] Ken Gentle

There are three books of Murphy's Law, by Arthur Bloch, from the early 80's. A number of my favorites are found in those three volumes:

Osborn's Law

Variables won't; Constants aren't.

Laws of Computer Programming

  1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
  3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
  6. The value of a given program is proportional to the weight of its output.
  7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.

Troutman's Postulates (5 & 6)

  1. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
  2. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology

There's always one more bug.

Thanks, cjm, for the correction. - Ken Gentle
[+22] [2008-11-25 02:53:57] farktronix

“If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer. Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.”

Source [1]


Took a while to get... lol! - chakrit
Finally a joke which models a more complete scenario of recursion, with a base case included! - Alderath
[+22] [2008-12-13 04:50:05] hmm

Software Development Cycles in use:

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

Users find 137 new bugs.

Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

(1) It's funny because it's sad - Jens Roland
this is so true :D - Arnis L.
Amazing, amazing, amazing... should be on the top of the list - Suraj Chandran
[+22] [2009-06-16 17:16:12] Roman Kagan

A Physician, a Civil Engineer, and a Computer Scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The Physician remarked, “Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly requires surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world”.

The Civil Engineer interrupted, and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of heavens and earth from out of chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of Civil Engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world”.

The Computer Scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidentially, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”

[+22] [2009-06-09 21:09:52] Eric

Notice how chuck Norris is a key Word!

Chuck Norris monitor has no glare…no-one glares at Chuck Norris

Try 'John Skeet' it also gets highlighted as a keyword. - GameFreak
(2) there are 10 types of persons in this world - those who like Chuck Norris and those who are dead. - Jus12
[+22] [2009-05-12 12:19:45] Pauk

Not really a joke, but this makes me smile.

The three most dangerous things in the world are:

  1. A programmer with a soldering iron.
  2. A hardware type with a program patch.
  3. A user with an idea.

(2) I can attest that a programmer with a soldering iron is a very dangerous thing indeed. Mostly dangerous to himself though. - wds
(4) Soldering irons hurt. - Michael Myers
(1) Still have my battle scars from industrial experience from my electronics engineering degree. Burning yourself with a soldering iron is the kind of thing you do once and then watch it like a freakin hawk every time you use one ever again. - Spence
Oops, no that's not a joke is a fact:… - OscarRyz
(1) (4) A Manager who codes. (5) A developer who manages. (6) A programmer wearing a suit. (7) A manager wearing a T-shirt. (8) An MBA who thinks. ... - Jus12
[+22] [2009-12-04 06:27:21] A9S6

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people like weight-lifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?

Are you a weight-lifter, or what?"

"No," replied the man.

"I work as a project manager in a software company !! "

(1) Didn't get it.. :( - Red Serpent
This seems to imply that project managers have super tight grip... but surely that would be more like an accountant or something. - thecoshman
(4) Project managers squeeze the shit out of you...! - Kasturi
my manager would easily squeeze 10 more drops out of it after this guy leaves - Jus12
(1) Its more likely the guy s from IRS - tksy
[+21] [2008-11-04 06:00:27] zonkflut

Mathematician, Physicist, Engineer walking through a field come upon a farmer.

The farmer asks what is the best way to construct a fence that will contain his livestock (ie., most area for least perimeter). The physicist does some calculus and concludes that the best way to do this is a square fence. The engineer looks at him and laughs. "No, the best way is a circle". The physicist concedes and they start building the fence.

The mathematician just sits there for a while and eventually stands up, puts a small piece around himself and says "I declare myself to be outside".

Nice topology-related one! - Eduardo León
[+20] [2008-12-11 07:50:47] Andreas Grech

God is real...unless declared integer

(3) To really understand this, you should know a bit FORTRAN ;-) . - mh
@mh you are very uninformed. Real is floating point data type used in many languages. - Tim Matthews
(13) @Ctrl Alt D-1337: Please don't call people uninformed so quickly. The joke is that in FORTRAN (at least some early version), variables with no explicit type were inferred from their first letter, and "G" meant real. See also - Michael Myers
[+20] [2008-12-02 12:38:07] n-alexander
if (var1 == true)
    return true;
else if (var1 == false)
    return false;
    return !true && ! false;

that's not a joke, but a bug. - lImbus
it's not a bug, but it can be reduced to 'return var1;' .. assuming var1 is boolean. !true && !false == false && true == false - Blorgbeard
(1) FILE_NOT_FOUND ( - Richard
(3) It's funnier if you apply De Morgan's law to the last return statement. - jeffamaphone
(4) Aha - filenotfound rocks! - Arnis L.
I still didn't get the joke/bug. Can someone elaborate? - Jus12
Actually, if you have threads accessing var1 you can actually end up in the else clause, or if var1 is volatile. :) - Patrick
[+20] [2008-10-25 23:11:58] Gulzar

There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"

I often tell this one to my users while we wait for their computer to reboot. - rpilkey
[+20] [2008-10-24 17:38:59] RoadWarrior

If JavaScript is like walking alone late at night through a bad part of town with a pocket full of $20 bills, then ActiveX is like dropping your trousers in the middle of a maximum-security prison yard, bending over, and yelling "Come and get it, boys!"

[+19] [2008-10-24 19:17:48] Martin Beckett

An astronomer, physicist, mathematician and programmer are on a train going to a conference.
As they reach $COUNTRY the astronomer sees a black cow and says - see all cows in $COUNTRY are black.
No says the physicist, you mean there is evidence of some black cows in $COUNTRY.
The mathematician says - there exists at least one cow in $COUNTRY that is black on one side.

And the programmer - look! moo-moos !

Correction: There exists at least one cow in $COUNTRY that is black on at least one side at least some of the time. - Graeme Perrow
(13) I heard the joke as sheep, and the punchline was: The programmer said: Oh no, AN EDGE CASE! - akdom
I like your version better, akdom - peterchen
But I'm a physicist! - Martin Beckett
Yes. It's definitely sheep. - Ben Alpert
[+19] [2008-10-25 17:48:33] RoadWarrior

You can have quality software, or you can have pointer arithmetic; but you cannot have both at the same time.

(40) You can have quality software XOR you can have pointer arithmetic. - sebnow
Unfortunately too true to be funny ;-)) . - mh
Upvote XOR trashing pointer arithmetic ;-) - Liran Orevi
[+19] [2008-10-25 18:00:50] RoadWarrior

Would you want to use an operating system that names its commands after digestive noises (awk, grep, fsck, nroff)?

This IS the best one! Too poor I reached the limit... - FUZxxl
[+19] [2008-11-01 07:51:53] Dean
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.

+1 how clever! :D - Dian
[+19] [2009-09-28 06:03:34] Windows programmer

There are 10 kinds of people on Stack Overflow.
1. People who didn't read the duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read one duplicate of this joke.
10. People who read two duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read three duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read four duplicates of this joke.
11. People who have all the bases covered.

(1) Check it out, it goes to eleven! - glowcoder
[+19] [2009-09-28 05:30:03] leeborkman

Okay, go easy on me, because I wrote this little gem myself to amuse the kiddies...

Q: Why wouldn't the flag fit through the door?

A: Because it was a bit long.

[+19] [2009-06-02 13:53:26] DisgruntledGoat

This is just a geeky joke rather than programming but anyway...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip [1]?
A: To get to the same side.


[+18] [2009-05-15 11:38:01] Vinnie

I'm not bald, I just have "margin-top: 200px;"

(4) That would mean you also have no eyebrows. - Sneakyness
(2) Depends on the size of the image. On a 2000px face shot, 200px wouldn't be anywhere near the eyebrows. - jmucchiello
I know CSS, but I still don't get this joke... am I missing something? - igul222
I thought that's why you were hunched over... - j3frea
[+18] [2009-04-27 20:18:56] Marcus Lindblom

So, there were two blind programmers, however, one did C.

(Works better when spoken loud, and probably even better in Swedish. Still funny as hell tough. :)

(2) Just curious... why is it better in Swedish? - Matthew Crumley
(6) Because the last phrase, you usually say 'one knew C' and/or 'one could C' and knew/could is the same word in Swedish (kunde) in this context, so it makes the play on words more straightforward. - Marcus Lindblom
It is still good :) - ojblass
works in norwegian too. Nice, hehe. - Svish
But is "see" still prounounced like "C"? - Precision
@Precision: Correct. - Marcus Lindblom
[+18] [2009-07-08 09:35:09] Seb Nilsson

Question: How long does it take to move a file?

Windows Vista User Answer: I don't know, it's still calculating.

Mac OSX User Answer: What's a file?

lol that's a ice one. - Preet Sangha
Again, duplicat - FUZxxl
(1) @FUZxxl Thanks for pointing that out 1,5 years later... Very constructive. - Seb Nilsson
[+18] [2009-08-16 01:20:40] community_owned

Highlander getSingletonInstance() // there can only be one.

I like it. This needs voted up! - Daniel Straight
[+18] [2009-09-25 06:28:26] Ether

old Dvorak had a farm, . c . c r

(2) got it : ee i ee i o - Jader Dias
i dont get it please explain - Joe Hopfgartner
[+18] [2009-12-10 15:19:41] Jronny
bool startWar = false;
if(startWar = true){

maybe some nations should do a code review.. - Martin Dürrmeier
(1) is it meant to be only one equal? - medopal
(3) heh! Should that be <code>bool startWar = false; if (startWar) fireNukes();</code> there much neater and shorter! - tommieb75
(2) Damn the comment box for lack of html escaping....sigh... :( - tommieb75
@medopal: they did not mean it, but accidents happen. No wonder wars start by accidents. Hahaha. @tommieb75: that's neater, shorter and less prone to unplanned nuke attacks! =) - Jronny
tommieb75 is right, it should be either if (startWar) or if (startWar == true), but not with just one equality sign ;) ^^ - arik-so
(2) @arik-so: That's why it's a joke. - Jronny
(2) Bad code, testing booleans for true! It makes more sense as if (Defcon = 1) FireMissiles(); - Loren Pechtel
(1) Big +1 for the critical mistake! How easy, and yet how dangerous... - Biosci3c
(1) let me fix that faulty code for you -> if(startWar == true); fireNukes(); - Oggy
[+18] [2009-11-02 02:00:19] Ken Bloom

A programmer is someone who will spend 6 months writing a computer program that will save him 45 minutes (and which he'll only use once.)

hard reality:- programmer does not not make program so he can make use of it but makes it for others - YouKnowWho
If he knows how to program, then certainly at some point in his life he'll write a program for just himself, and it will have this property. - Ken Bloom
i do that all the time, but not 6 months. i wrote an AppleScript to open all my applications + browser tabs. Took me few hours but use it everyday!! - medopal
So true, except I'd probably lose interest after a week or two. - Trystan Spangler
[+18] [2009-12-26 11:51:49] amphetamachine

(1) heh ... thats good :) ... Someone at google has a sense of humor :) - AdamBT
(4) already posted. - Samuel Carrijo
(1) What was there? In the current Google, I don't see anything special. - Frank
(1) @user60628 No, it's still there. - amphetamachine
(1) Why is google detecting as Spell-Mistake even if its not - Pratik
(2) Pratik - if you have to ask, you don't understand recursion ;-) - TabbyCool
(1) @Pratik, thtz wht d joke is all about :-) - Ashish
@TabbyCool,@Ashish : hahahaa.. got it nw ! - Pratik
actually it's an infinite loop, not a recursion the way it's done by google - bestsss
[+18] [2008-11-25 09:18:56] Roshan

sql> DELETE FROM world.human_race WHERE iq < 100

Query OK, 3.45 billion rows affected (0.01 sec)···

(5) ROLLBACK; or COMMIT; ? - Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen
I would assume he's using mysql and has autocommit turned on. - epochwolf
(4) Why Am I still here? :) - THEn
Database must have crashed. See if you're on the logs. - Jay
evil...but cool - Kai
Damn...i never knew my IQ was more than 100...feels good - Suraj Chandran
(3) IQ 100 is defined as the intelligence of an average person; when the query (the queried?) is executed, the world collapse as every one but one is deleted. - Lie Ryan
(1) i hope query is not executed recursively. - Nishu
@Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen: Commit damn it! Commit! - Leo Jweda
[+18] [2008-10-24 17:18:26] RoadWarrior

If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor, and when was the last time you needed one?

I call foul! It can't be "protected" & "private" at the same time, "abstract" and "pure virtual" mean the same thing, and "virtual base" doesn't mean anything relevant. - James Curran
class a{virtual ~a()=0;};class b:protected virtual a{}; - dalle
(3) James, it is a pure virtual private destructor that is inherited from a protected abstract virtual base. - RoadWarrior
(3) IOW, a destructor that can only be called by members or friends of the class (private), & is assigned a 0 (pure virtual) in the base class (abstract base) that declares it, & will be defined later/overriden in a derived class that shares the multiple-inherited base (virtual base) in a protected way. - RoadWarrior
(8) Is it funny or sad that people are actually analyzing this? - Graeme Perrow
(13) It's funny that they're analyzing it. It's sad that C++ needs them to. - Robert Rossney
[+17] [2008-10-24 17:29:14] Steven A. Lowe

my cd-rom driver became corrupted and windows could no longer recognize/find my cd-rom drive. so the error message i got was "please insert Windows CD"

at first i thought it was a joke...

Just like the BIOS message, press F1 to continue when you don't plug it in. - Osama ALASSIRY
(3) So plug in a keyboard and press F1. - sli
[+17] [2008-10-24 15:51:05] Daok

I think these 2 links answer the question.

[+17] [2008-12-02 11:59:25] Skunk


(2) just gotta love xkcd. :-D - fly.floh
(1) Mrs Roberts comes back in later strips. - staticsan
[+17] [2009-02-11 08:25:50] WishKnew

Documentation is like sex... When it is bad, it is better than nothing. When it is good, it is really-really good.

(5) And sometimes you have to pay for it. - sli
@sli Nobody's forced to pay for sex, don't trifle with this. - canavanin
[+17] [2009-11-20 13:47:38] cartoonfox

The sign of a compulsive programmer is somebody who can count up to 1023 on his or her fingers....

(You use each finger as a binary digit.)

(10) wonder what happens when he counts 4 in public :-) - Jus12
Nothing happens at 4. It's including thumbs, so it's seven when you get punched :p - AaronM
@AaronM Seven would be the first three fingers extended. 4 is flipping the bird - Alex Brault
I meant six >_> Not that it matters, I was thinking of a different one apparently anyway. - AaronM
Before edit this compulsive guy had only 9 fingers. - ralu
2^10=1024, assuming you discount 0, that leaves 1023 discrete values. @ralu - do you have 11 fingers? ;-) - cartoonfox
damn, shame on me - ralu
I'm tempted to down vote for the explanation at the end... - Shaded
[+17] [2009-07-31 07:30:33] The Disintegrator

A programmer is at the airport with his wife, she needs to go to the bathroom so she tells him to stay there and look at the luggage. When she's back the programmer is counting the bags while scratching his head.

Wife: -What's wrong?

Prog: -I don't get it. I was there, nobody took a bag, but I have missed one. We had 5 bags, but now we have only 4.

Wife: -How's that?

Prog: -Look: zero, one, two, thee, four!

4 downvotes??? wtf? Bad jokes are jokes all the same and its not offensive. Sigh. - burnt_hand
(2) Obviously the downvoters are non programmers... - The Disintegrator
(17) It's just incredibly boring. Is it even a joke? - Thomas
(5) Also, the husband is hardly a good programmer if he thinks the highest index is equivalent to the size of the array; particularly when most languages have a count method that returns the number of objects. - Abizern
yes, index is not count.. - John Christman
off by one joke at best - bestsss
[+17] [2009-04-13 03:46:56] Access Denied

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about Warnings, we only worry about Errors."

Haha that was funny - Asad Khan
[+16] [2009-05-26 20:16:50] Comptrol

If computer languages were car. [1]

  • C is a racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles.

  • C++ is a souped-up racing car with dozens of extra features that only breaks down every 250 miles, but when it does, nobody can figure out what went wrong.

  • Java is a family station wagon. It's easy to drive, it's not too fast, and you can't hurt yourself.

  • C# is a competing model of family station wagons. Once you use this, you're never allowed to use the competitors' products again.

  • Lisp looks like a car, but with enough tweaking you can turn it into a pretty effective airplane or submarine.

  • Perl is supposed to be a pretty cool car, but the driver's manual is incomprehensible. Also, even if you can figure out how to drive a perl car, you won't be able to drive anyone else's.

  • Python is a great beginner's car; you can drive it without a license. Unless you want to drive really fast or on really treacherous terrain, you may never need another car.

  • Ruby is a car that was formed when the Perl, Python and Smalltalk cars were involved in a three-way collision. A Japanese mechanic found the pieces and put together a car which many people think was better than the sum of the parts.

  • Fortran is a pretty primitive car; it'll go very quickly as long as you are only going along roads that are perfectly straight. It is believed that learning to drive a Fortran car makes it impossible to learn to drive any other model.

  • Cobol is reputed to be a car, but no self-respecting driver will ever admit having driven one.

  • Assembly Language is a bare engine; you have to build the car yourself and manually supply it with gas while it's running, but if you're careful it can go like a bat out of hell.


[+16] [2009-08-15 23:17:34] ZeroCool

One day a Novice came to the Master.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"No," replied the Novice. The Master sent the Novice on a quest to the Store of Software.
Many hours later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"You have a Compiler of Source. What now can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
The Novice fidgeted nervously and presented his Compiler of Source to the Master.
"How is this used?" asked the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Manual of Operation?" the Master asked.
"No," replied the Novice.
The Master instructed the Novice as to where he could find the Manual of Operation.
Many days later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Manual of Operation?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"You have a Compiler of Source, and a Manual of Operation. What now can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
At this the Novice fidgeted nervously and presented his Manual of Operations to the Master.
"How is this used?" asked the Novice.
The Master closed his eyes, and heaved a great sigh.
The Master sent the Novice on a quest to the School of Elementary.
Many years later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code, a Manual of Operation and an Education of Elementary?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"What then can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
The Novice fidgeted nervously. He looked around but could find nothing to present to the Master.
The Master smiled at the Novice.
"I see what problem plagues you." said the Master.
"Oh great master, please tell me." asked the Novice.
The Master turned the Novice toward the door, and with a supportive hand on his shoulder said, "Go young Novice, and Read The F***ing Manual." And so the Novice became enlightened.

[+16] [2009-08-17 04:47:48] sissonb

Q - Why don't programmers pray?

A - They don't like throwing null pointer exceptions!

Dang, I guess I'm not as funny as I thought... - sissonb
(6) That got me smile - Przemaas
who is down voting this? - Pieter888
I didn't get this. - Jus12
[+16] [2009-08-16 15:39:48] jrglasgow

One of my favorites from days gone by:

A poem based on E. A. Poe's The Raven. By Anonymous

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" 

timeout while reading post. Skipping to end. - Jus12
tl;dr version: Abort, Retry, Ignore? - The Guy Of Doom
I love that poem! :D - Dian
[+16] [2009-12-23 12:07:33] viky

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a bad programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

original:worry->Care.Girlfriend -> a girl.Bad -> ''.I am -> Im. - Behrooz
[+16] [2009-12-13 05:16:04] in70x

Q: What does a computer scientist wear on Halloween? A: A bit-mask.

ba dup chhhee


(14) +1 for the drum roll - Irwin M. Fletcher
[+16] [2009-10-20 16:15:07] Dave

A Poem For Computer Geeks

< > ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ #4
& [ ] . . /

A Translation for the Mundanes

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash
Bang splat equals at dollar underscore
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash
Vertical bar curly brace comma comma crash

(1) What the hell is that? - hasen j
(1) In the days before windows many of the words for characters were very different. Yes, I ran into many of them. By the way this has both meter and rhyme. - Dave
[+16] [2008-12-17 11:59:02] tksy

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

(2) On a programming website, the punchline should be "That was just a prototype." - jmucchiello
(1) Or "that was the demo version." - Mason Wheeler
haha, yea like the prototype punchline better. - melaos
(6) I know that in a version like "That was the advertising department". - mh
[+16] [2008-10-30 21:45:23] AdamBT

Saw this on today:

Software Development Process

1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program

[+16] [2008-10-28 11:17:43] Adam Liss

How to Develop Your Programming Schedule

[+15] [2008-10-25 17:41:35] RoadWarrior

Some call me '^F[a-z\'-]+$', but I have many names.

damn!..are you talking about Perl - Suraj Chandran
[+15] [2009-01-12 23:38:55] community_owned
Question: what do you call your programming methodology?
Answer: Faith based development. You code and then pray that it works

i know about that.. (sadly) - unkiwii
[+15] [2008-11-28 14:09:26] niXar

There are two types of people in this world: those who understand recursion and those who don't understand that there are two types of people in this world: ...

[+15] [2009-02-13 16:21:22] pritaeas

I'm sorry for my terrible English, but my native language is Pascal.

(3) my native is Qbasic, my programming was born there :p - Omar Abid
I'm sorry for my terrible english, but my native language is APL... (My chinese is better, indeed) - FUZxxl
[+15] [2009-12-18 12:36:46] jose

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

already posted. - Samuel Carrijo
[+15] [2009-08-14 21:06:08] Quassnoi

Picasso's full name was Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.

But close friends just called him PABLO~1.

Boo! Hiss! - eyelidlessness
If you name a folder like this in windows you will get "PabloD~1" - Jader Dias
(1) PABLOD~1(without this trailing crap that SO requires) - Windows programmer
[+15] [2009-05-21 18:11:43] Eric

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?

A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Unfortunately he never had a timeout or observe any IRQ :( - acidzombie24
[+15] [2009-04-21 09:48:00] Prashant

Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)
Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in

username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep

sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it


After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in

some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry

is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has

Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt

speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use

head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is

Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but

My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound

as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The

Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do

You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them


Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep

Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces

Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces

Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all


Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the

Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both

The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for


Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at

different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of


two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the

acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity

is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the


After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested

The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same

Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that

intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the

Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background

noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because

of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run

them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??


i feel like crying...its so nostalgic :( - Suraj Chandran
hahahaha its so true! - Joe Hopfgartner
[+14] [2009-05-12 20:41:28] Jonathan C Dickinson

Two threads climb out of the pool...

[+14] [2009-08-15 22:12:45] Evert

RFC2324 [1]


[+14] [2009-08-15 22:45:49] Ryan Christensen

It is a comic but this is my favorite about code quality, style and reviews = WTFs per minute:

alt text

(1) Check the first page of the cartoon thread... - Michael Myers
awesome, just awesome. true too. - acidzombie24
[+14] [2009-09-15 17:54:32] MetalMikester

In the dBASE III Plus manual some 20+ years ago. The index at the end of the manual read (separate entries several pages apart, of course:)

Endless loop: See Loop, Endless

Loop, Endless: See Endless Loop

+1. Did they really do that! Missing the fun these days. - Guru
Yep! I thought that was pretty clever of them. Unfortunately those manuals have long been discarded. Should have kept one. :) - MetalMikester
I remember this. It was very amusing. I think I still have that manual. I'll try to dig it up. - Ray Burns
[+14] [2009-10-08 21:58:05] TheCodeJunkie

This is a classic

There are only 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary andthose who don't

And lets not forget :-)

Why computers are like men:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(2) I like this variation better: There are only 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who have an active sexual life - Carlo
[+14] [2009-01-31 05:28:29] Genericrich

Q: Is the Glass half-full or half-empty?

A: The Glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

(1) This is a duplicate of mine from a couple of months prior:… - Dennis Williamson
(1) stop crying dennis. he couldn't possibly have seen it in all of these answers - Eric
[+14] [2009-02-06 00:45:00] Sam

Programming a bombBaghdad function is immoral, a good programmer will always write a bombCity function and have Baghdad passed in as an argument.

+! Good one. Can the argument be a pointer too? - ArunSaha
[+14] [2008-11-29 06:03:29] community_owned

Q: How many Pentium chip designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 0.999994637287432

[+14] [2008-12-12 05:55:59] Buu Nguyen

An inscription on the gravestone of a programmer reads:

General protection fault - 10.10.61

Runtime error - 23.09.1998

(3) I guess we could add "404 not found - 12.12.2008" :) - utku_karatas
(12) I like how the first date is a 2 digit year since storage for 4 digit years would be expensive on 1961 hardware. - jmucchiello
(2) Am I the only one that thinks it's sad how young he was when he passed? - Precision
[+14] [2008-11-25 10:27:30] community_owned

Q: How many IT Support people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Have you tried turning it Off and On?

(RSPCT2 The IT Crowd)

(4) Have you tried turning it off and on again? - avakar
[+14] [2008-10-24 17:49:57] RoadWarrior

Every developer starts out by being Optimistic. Optimistic programmers assume that system calls will always succeed, there is always enough memory and disk space, and there really is a Santa Claus.

[+13] [2008-10-24 17:37:04] RoadWarrior

Computer Science [noun]: A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter.

[+13] [2008-11-25 15:40:27] FreeMemory

This one is terrible and awesome:

Q: How is a virgin like a stack?
A: First you push, then you pop.

(3) You're half right--it is terrible :) - CodeFusionMobile
[+13] [2008-12-13 04:44:14] Loren Pechtel

Programs, like ships, sink in the C.

[+13] [2009-01-16 20:42:32] jedihawk

Durn it

[+13] [2009-11-02 04:03:35] neuviemeporte

'Hey hon, where all the kids at?'
'They're all out at their friend's homes. Wanna do something fun? (wink)'
'That's a great idea! Switch the computer on!'


[+13] [2009-08-16 06:15:24] community_owned

A Turing machine walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "what will you have?"

After waiting a while for an answer, the bartender becomes impatient. "Cmon, what's taking you so long?"

The Turing machine replies, "I can't decide."

[+13] [2009-08-16 19:39:37] community_owned

Feminist Unix Command

"man bash"

[+13] [2009-04-26 07:30:49] Sohail Anwar

Funny computer quotes

Here are just a few: "If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

:D the paperclip one - Peter Perháč
[+12] [2009-04-28 16:41:46] THEn

Administrator = Admin is traitor

[+12] [2009-08-06 15:09:42] HanClinto

Q. What's the difference between C and C++?

A. Nothing, because: (C - C++ == 0)

(But note that the value of C has been increased)

So C++ isn't better than C, but lead to the improvements in C99? - Matthew Crumley
(2) Actually the expression C == C++ yields undefined behaviour. - Windows programmer
(1) @Windows programmer. Are you sure about that? Cause I was under the impression that it, at least in java, is well defined and results in the comparison to be executed first, and then the incrementation. As opposed to C == ++C - Alderath
@Windows programmer: Why? The rules in the ISO standard (see section 1.9, paragraph 7) say that the value of any operand should only be modified once in a given expression, and that the order of modification side effects is un-specified. The equation (as originally written) was (C == C++), not (C = C++). If it were the latter, it would be undefined behavior. But because there is only one side effect, the behavior should be deterministic. Regardless, I've changed the equation to fit more with the original question ("What's the difference between..."), but both are legit. - HanClinto
"Cause I was under the impression that it, at least in java" -- OK, I haven't read the Java standard. If this joke about C and C++ is talking about Java then I'll take your word for it. - Windows programmer
(3) "the value of any operand should only be modified once in a given expression, and that the order of modification side effects is un-specified" -- right, section 1.9 only says that much. More details are in section 5 paragraph 4, "Furthermore, the prior value shall be accessed only to determine the value to be stored." Your new expression with a subtraction operator doesn't fix this problem. It's unspecified which operand of subtraction is accessed first. On the right C's old value is accessed and determines the new value, but on the left C's old value might be accessed without permission, boom - Windows programmer
@Windows programmer: Wow -- sure 'nuff, you're right. :) Ultimately I just had to test it, so made a small test program and compiled it with GCC using the -Wsequence-point flag. Calling "printf("%d", c - c++);" yielded: "test.c:7: warning: operation on `c' may be undefined" Nice catch! - HanClinto
(1) if (C != C++) ... - Milan Babuškov
(1) @Windows programmer: C++ isn't Java. This insight usually produces a sigh of relief in both C++ and Java programmers. - David Thornley
[+12] [2009-12-22 11:55:21] Skizz

There were a group of software engineers and a group of project managers going to a conference by train. The managers each bought a ticket for the train, the engineers only bought one ticket for the whole group.

On the train, as the guard came through to check the tickets, the engineers all entered a single toilet. The guard checked the managers' tickets and then knocked on the toilet door,

"Ticket please," the guard asked.

The engineers slipped the ticket under the door, the guard checked it and went on his way. The managers saw this and were impressed.

The following year, the same managers and engineers were again going to the conference. This time the managers purchased only one ticket, but the engineers didn't purchase any tickets at all.

On the train, as the guard approached to check tickets, the managers enter the toilet and waited.

An engineer went to the toilet, knocked, and said,

"Ticket please."

this is a duplicate. - cometbill
I'm not surprised - there's 19 pages at 30 per page. - Skizz
[+12] [2009-10-16 21:10:02] Quassnoi

Medieval people believed that it was Elijah the Prophet who caused lightning riding the skies in his chariot of fire.

Now, in modern times, we cannot suppress our smiles when reading of it. Every educated person knows that in fact it's Google Earth taking photos using a flash.

[+11] [2009-10-17 00:46:18] ManicMailman
Q: Why did the database administrator leave his wife?

A: She had one-to-many relationships
Q: How do you solve the dining philosopher's problem?

A: Just add more fork()
Q: What does the software engineer who fathered MVC, Broker, Pipe-and-filter, Client-Server and Transaction Processing feel towards his creations?

A: Pattern-al love

(2) I'll have to send this to my friend, Trygve Reenskaug, who invented MVC! - Guge
That would be awesome, please do so :) - ManicMailman
[+11] [2009-09-22 03:39:15] alex
        <legend>I am</legend>

+1 Well done sir, well done :-) - Topher Fangio
hahaha! ur a dag - Lea
[+11] [2009-08-17 23:17:13] Karl B.

It's a safe assumption that all software projects contain at least one undiscovered bug and have at least one byte of bloat that can be optimized out. So theoretically, the world's best program will consist of a single incorrect instruction.

(6) "It's a safe assumption that all software projects contain at least one undiscovered bug and have at least one byte of bloat that can be optimized out." -- Yes. So theoretically, the world's SMALLEST program will contain no instructions at all, and it will still be incorrect. And it's true! With no instructions, it won't set its exit code. - Windows programmer
Wow, you really are a Windows programmer. - harpo
[+11] [2009-06-12 19:03:45] Rutger Nijlunsing

Save the mallocs, free them all!

[+11] [2009-05-22 22:50:44] Carlo

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

this is already on here - Cuga
[+11] [2009-02-06 01:11:22] Ates Goral

  __ Web   __ Images   __ Groups   __ News   __ Froogle

Please print query clearly:  _____________________________

    Mail to: Google Search Request
             1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
             Mountain View, CA 94043

        Please allow four to six weeks for results.


Programming-related for those of us who use Google as a reference / troubleshooting guide while coding. - Ates Goral
[+11] [2009-01-11 20:51:12] Xavi

Why don't people like C programmers? Because they have no class.

[+11] [2008-11-25 20:52:15] community_owned

A young woman is complaining to her friend "I've been married three times and I've never had sex!"

Her friend replies, "How is that possible?"

"Well," the woman says, "the first time I married for money, but he was old and he died on our wedding day.

"The second time I married for love, but he turned out to be gay."

"So what's wrong with this one?" the friend asks.

"Well, this one's a computer programmer. We've been married for five months, but so far all he does is sit at the end of the bed and tell me how great it's going to be!"

[+11] [2008-11-19 23:13:29] Guge

How to get girls interested in programming

Girls like romantic stuff. My new programming language will supply this in the following way:

  1. Each variable can either be masculine or feminine.
  2. Masculine arrays are one-based, feminine arrays are zero-based (this is soooo obvious).
  3. In a jagged array, at least 40% of the subarrays need to be feminine.
  4. If you construct a date by concatenating a masculine and a feminine variable, some of the space allocated for the masculine variable will be reallocated for the date.
  5. Every 28th cpu cycle, all feminine variables will throw exceptions or other heavy objects if queried the wrong way (what the right and wrong way is, is undocumented – pending research)
  6. During communication, feminine variables will always go through a named pipe, tcp port or anything like that before masculine.
  7. If a masculine pointer raises a flag for the wrong feminine variable, it is not an exception.
  8. A female binary large object will be tried but not caught.
  9. Feminine variables will never dump unless they are grouped.
  10. Feminine variables are not static with threads, they change patterns every season.
  11. Behind every long masculine integer there is a feminine char.
  12. To construct a short, you must first concatenate a feminine single and a masculine single into a mixed gender double, the most significant bits of the double will then overflow into a short after a period of 9×30 cycles. The double can spawn several shorts before they are either deallocated or split into two singles again.
  13. Feminine variables should be camelcase.
  14. Masculine variables have their own opinion on what the most significant bits of feminine variables are.

5 and 14 are great! - AdamBT
[+11] [2008-10-25 17:57:14] RoadWarrior

All programs are poems, it's just that not all programmers are poets.

[+10] [2008-10-24 17:33:51] RoadWarrior

The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what they're doing until it's too late.

[+10] [2008-10-24 17:11:43] Dima

A depressed programmer hung himself on a binary tree...

[+10] [2008-11-25 10:39:18] community_owned

Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.

You might want to check the first page of this topic ;-) - Horst Gutmann
[+10] [2008-12-01 12:18:54] user41591

An old 1980s cartoon: two people in front of a computer - on the screen is the phrase "What's it worth to you?"

First person to second: "I hate corrupt disks!"

[+10] [2009-02-05 01:15:30] Patrick McDonald

What says "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven?"

A parroty error

I have to upvote it, just for being so cheesy - Neil Aitken
duplicate (15chars) - Samuel Carrijo
[+10] [2009-05-19 19:16:09] Christopher Farnell

I'm nervous about programming in an untyped language---my penmanship is awful!

[+10] [2009-04-10 13:23:07] Peter Perháč

I always loved this one:

God is real, unless declared integer.

...and got more...

does it make any sense to post, when you know your post will be shown on the ELEVENTH page... ? - Peter Perháč
@masterpeter it will show to some body before getting buried on the 100 page! - Omar Abid
I order by "Newest", and suspect that a lot of people that visits this wiki do it as well. - Fredy Treboux
omg, i just noticed... thanks :$ - Peter Perháč
Sounds like someone had been rummaging in FidoNet tagline archives. :-) - staticsan
[+10] [2009-07-08 08:30:43] Adamski

Q. What happens if a pattern and an anti-pattern collide?

A. You get a singletonarity.

[+10] [2009-09-25 06:55:30] Lior Kogan

A C++ programmer: "My 0-th son was born yesterday"

[+10] [2009-09-25 22:23:02] Vijayendra Bapte

When a programmer and a beggar meet, the very first question they ask each other - Which platform are you working on ?

usually what language, if one says Java and the other .Net, well here goes the evening - medopal
[+10] [2009-12-09 10:54:57] Neil

Actual google chat conversation

Dude its freezing in here, someone cranked the aircon on VARCHAR(MAX)

(1) since i said it, i figure i should correct your spelling :) - Kamal
[+10] [2009-11-02 03:06:37] neuviemeporte

'Why is your kid sitting alone apart from all those other kids in the sandbox?'
'They're all playing a computer lab and mine's trying to get Linux running.'

[+9] [2009-11-18 13:53:29] AviD

An evil psychiatrist kidnaps an engineer, a chemist, and a mathematician to see how their minds work. He locks them in separate cells with a year supply of canned beans and leaves. When he comes back in a year to check on his prisoners, he finds:

The chemist had collected rainwater to corrode the cans of beans so he could eat them. The engineer had taken apart his bed and made a crude can opener out of the parts. The mathematician was slouched on the floor, long since dead.

Written in blood beside the corpse read the following:
Theorem: If I don't eat the beans I will die.
Proof: Assume the opposite and seek a contradiction.

(1) didn't really get it... but found the part about the mathematician "slouched on the floor, long since dead" really funny - Jus12
year supply of canned beans and leaves - oh man it's a gas chamber - VoodooChild
[+9] [2009-12-13 16:29:47] Mathias Bynens

I eat URLs for breakfast. Q: How many? A: 200 OK

(4) I totally want this on a t-shirt:… - Mathias Bynens
Source: - Mathias Bynens
[+9] [2009-12-18 04:50:28] Igor Zevaka

"…one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." Robert Firth

(1) actually it was because they couldn't null terminate their strings - Jus12
(2) Perhaps all they had to do was to define null like this: #define NULL I-I - Igor Zevaka
To be safe that should be: #define NULL (I-I) - TomG
[+9] [2009-12-24 11:24:05] SLA80

A programmer, before going to sleep, puts two glasses on the bedside table - the first glass full of water, and the second glass absolutely empty.

The first glass is for the case he will want to drink water in the morning, and the second glass is for the case he doesn't want to.


[+9] [2009-09-10 15:37:08] Topher Fangio

A chat conversation between me and my friend:

friend: This just sounds wrong: "using std::back_inserter;"

me: lmao

friend: I sure don't want an STD from a back_inserter...

[+9] [2009-08-19 11:51:46] Sam

Batbit and Spiderbit walk into a byte. The byte-tender says, "Sorry, no masks allowed"

[+9] [2009-10-08 16:57:33] Dean J

Explaining recursion:

It was a dark and stormy night, and I says to the captain, captain, tell us a story. And this is the story he told.

It was a dark and stormy night...

My stack already got overflowed.... - THEn
[+9] [2009-10-06 11:13:14] Jaswant Agarwal

Software Development Cycle : A true Story

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

Users find 137 new bugs.

Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.. :))

Liked fact really true..goes around us always! - sangam
Really well-put, and sadly, it's true. - Jacob Relkin
[+9] [2009-10-30 12:35:11] Leszek Wachowicz

Mine favorite is rather stupid...but...

How do You count cows? With CowCulator!

[+9] [2009-10-23 09:09:38] Victor Hurdugaci

Not really a programming joke but related to MSDN. Spell check fail.

alt text

that's your browsers spellcheck - iamrohitbanga
Yes, the fail is the browser's spell check fail. But it failed on the word "MSDN" suggesting "MADNESS" - Victor Hurdugaci
(1) thats not fail.. thats win - Jus12
Looks like a rectangle with a small square containing a red x and the words "alt text" next to it. - Bratch
[+9] [2009-08-16 17:30:35] community_owned

Java: write once, debug everywhere.

[+9] [2009-08-15 21:12:51] community_owned

Yo mama's so fat she sat on an n-ary tree and turned it into a linked list in constant time.

Duplicate (and I didn't think it was funny the first time). - Michael Myers
[+9] [2009-05-21 18:18:26] Eric

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

Good old Chuck. - ojblass
(18) nice, but it's all in the delivery: try it this way: "Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice!". See? ;) - Jeffrey Kemp
(4) Just don't actually pronounce the ellipsis. - jmucchiello
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of PI! - Chris
[+9] [2009-05-12 09:53:57] Barry Carr

Young Child: Mum, when I grow up I want to be a {insert least favourite programming language here} programmer.

Mother: You'll have to make you're mind up, Son. You won't be able to do both.

[+9] [2009-02-13 15:32:16] Conrad

2 + 2 = 5 (for large values of 2)

[+9] [2008-12-02 22:29:23] community_owned

At a recent computer software engineering management course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

duplicate; already posted in this thread - phihag
Still a nice one :-) - Coentje
[+9] [2008-10-24 15:55:25] Mark Baker

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we can work around it in software.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we'll just put it in the manual.

How many technical authors does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the customer will figure it out.

[+9] [2008-10-24 17:31:58] RoadWarrior

A computer programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable key punching, an infinite series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micro-metric precision from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive sources and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.

[+9] [2008-10-25 17:46:30] RoadWarrior

A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

[+9] [2008-10-28 11:20:41] TerrorBite

She sells cshs by the cshore.

[+9] [2008-10-27 03:07:31] Adam Liss

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a programmer were discussing the theorem that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. The theorem is false.

Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not, 11 is.... The theorem is true, within experimental error.

Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime.... The theorem is true.

Programmer: 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime....

it's a duplicate - Brann
Are you reading in chronological order, or reverse-chronological? - Adam Liss
The answer is yes. - Markus
[+9] [2008-10-25 19:28:40] Pavel Feldman

Localized version of a famous one:

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below, who is pasturing goats. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"Oh, thanks, now I know I'm in Russia"

"Yes" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone. So you are software developer. And only in Russia software developers pasture goats."

(9) Uhh I don't get it. - Ace
[+8] [2008-10-25 20:05:33] Ather

A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants were unhurt, but stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

[+8] [2008-10-25 17:55:53] RoadWarrior

This code is about as stable as a one-legged drunk with hypothermia in a hurricane, balancing on a banana peel. When someone throws him an elephant with bad breath and a worse temper.

[+8] [2008-10-24 22:11:23] DaveJustDave

Q: What do database administrators give their daughters to prevent them from having child records?

A: Foreign Key Constraints!

(3) But they end having relationships with other entities. - Eduardo León
[+8] [2008-10-24 17:15:03] Ken Paul

Error message:

Your mouse has moved. The system must reboot to effect the change!

(11) Or in vista's case: "The mouse has moved. Cancel or Allow?" - LiraNuna
[+8] [2008-10-24 16:49:00] dalle

Programming joke in Swedish: Det var två programmerare och en stack.

(1) It's a word game, "There were two programmers and one stack" but could also mean "There were two programmers and one left". The word "stack" is Swedish for "left" (as in leave), "stack" (haystack), "stung" (bee sting). - dalle
My Swedish isn't so good but I believe this translates to "Two girls, one cup". I'm not getting the joke so let me just do a quick google to see what comes up and ... oh GOD! This is NOT funny! - Hobo Spider
Yeah there's another pretty similiar one Det var 2 bagare och en smet - Breezer
[+8] [2008-12-04 16:55:38] SDX2000

Whats common between beggars and software engineers? They both ask the same question when meeting another one of their kind; Which platform are you working on?

[+8] [2008-12-11 07:28:55] Steve Hayes

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, its a hardware problem.

[+8] [2008-12-01 19:48:26] Paige Watson

When does a Boolean evaluated expression achieve orgasm?

After a while.

[+8] [2009-02-11 08:48:53] niko

The doctor, the artist and the programmer are discussing whether it is better to have wife or a lover. The doctor says:"It is better to have a wife who can stand by you all the time". The artist says:"To me it is better to have a lover. This way I get more inspiration". And the programmer says:"I have both. When I'm not with my wife she thinks I'm with my lover, when I'm not with my lover she thinks I'm with my wife so this way I can program all the time"

[+8] [2009-02-21 22:56:32] community_owned

COBOL stands for: Compiles Only Because Of Luck.

(1) Surely it's: Completely Obsolete Business Orientated Language - Skizz
[+8] [2009-02-23 01:37:30] eduncan911

Opposites attract...

Wife: "I'll be right back!" Me: "I'll be left forward."

[+8] [2009-03-12 00:39:48] community_owned

In Russian it means, I code in C++ for food

In Russian, it means "I code in C++ for food"

(4) don't know whether to laugh - YouKnowWho
[+8] [2009-02-02 18:11:44] Nosredna

The Amiga had a concept of screens. You could pull them down and see other screens with other apps behind them.

I wrote a little hack that scrolled the front screen down one pixel every 30 seconds and put it on all the Amigas in the company.

People didn't know what the hell was going on. They were working and their front screen would gradually work its way down. They had to keep grabbing the mouse and pulling it up.

(1) I wrote a DOS TSR app (pre-windows) that copied the first alphanumeric page from 0xb800:0 to the second page and set up the display hardware to show the second page. The copy mirrored the data top to bottom. It also remapped the character image tables so it looked like the screen was upside down. - Skizz
I also wrote a TSR that hooked the keyboard interrupt and occasionally replaced the text the user typed with predefined phrases. Ah, the fun that was had being a student! - Skizz
[+8] [2009-02-11 06:44:45] tjdonaldson

Question: Why is the heap the sexiest part of C++? Answer: It's where all the new'ed variables are.

[+8] [2008-11-25 11:09:27] community_owned

Q. What sits on a communications engineer's shoulder and says "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"?

A. A parity error.

Oops. Eight and seven both have odd parity. You'll have to use something else like nine. - Windows programmer
(1) I guess it's better than "twelve-and-a-half percent!" - staticsan
@Windows programmer: Isn't that the point? - Michael Myers
this is the 5th time the same joke has been repeated till now - Suraj Chandran
[+8] [2008-11-25 15:38:03] community_owned

A guy join in a chat room and asks:

Q: "Does anybody here knows python language ?"
A: "Shhhh shhh shhhhh...."

Reference: - Blorgbeard
[+8] [2008-11-26 23:28:58] Raimonds Simanovskis

When a programmer goes to bed he sets out 2 glasses on his bedside table:

This is a duplicate from a year a year prior:… - Dennis Williamson
[+8] [2008-11-23 21:35:44] CommanderZ

Every time the God divides by zero a black hole is spawned.

[+8] [2008-11-25 01:11:30] user20844

Q: how many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

it's been posted here about MS programmers, but i think it does actaully work better with Apple... - Nir Levy
[+8] [2008-11-02 03:32:45] Adam Liss

They say the memory is the first to go....

I used to remember everything when I was a kid. I suppose I had an infinite stack. As I got older, and busier, and tired, my stack size decreased until, 3 children later, it was exactly 1 bit. (Readers of StackOverflow shouldn't need an explanation.) And today, it's dwindled to ... er, what was the question?

[+8] [2009-06-01 17:52:49] Brandon Pelfrey

I think a lot of the best jokes come during a dull lecture. In a course I was in where we were doing a fast Poisson solver and during a derivation the teacher said "Something's fishy here", to which I and the professor had a riotous laugh, but everyone was just a little confused. Sometimes they're hilarious when you don't expect them to be. Sometimes it just happens. Just be "up" in your lectures. That's all that matters.

I'm impressed. It imports a geeky reference from another discipline... :-) - staticsan
(4) Poisson is French for fish - Jader Dias
This reminds me of maths and physics lessons at high school, which almost guaranteed some laughter on a Friday afternoon. - joeytwiddle
[+8] [2009-04-11 13:59:48] Omar Abid

I remember a very long one about Microsoft but I forgot where I read it, here's a part

...Your name is Bill Gates, so why are you selling us Windows??...

[+8] [2009-03-24 00:31:35] ojblass

I always like to respond to a really technical insanely deep question with "Does your Dungeon Master still talk to you?"

As an avid Role-player, I find this one both offensive and funny :P - SirDemon
LMAO, good one but do kids even play D&D now days? Or are you dating yourself? ;) - Mike Bethany
Maybe it should switch to does your LARP leader know you are not practicing right now? - ojblass
[+8] [2009-04-21 04:31:12] THEn

Maybe It was told before. - Windows user's car got broken. He gets out and gets back in.

(1) ...and closes and re-opens all the windows... - Jeffrey Kemp
[+8] [2009-04-21 08:13:11] scraimer

Not a joke, per se, but just something that I witnessed last week:

I have a slightly ditzy friend who's gotten her CS degree and started working remotely for an outsourcing company. I watched as this conversation unfolded between her and another dude-friend of mine:

Ditzy: Why doesn't it work?

Dude: Well, you're assigning a new value to an argument you got in the function. That overwrites the old value.

Ditzy: But put that value in using a hex!

Dude: What?

Ditzy: Yeah! I thought it made it more magical!

Turns out she thought that values written in hex are magical and don't take up storage, so that you can store as many of them as you want in a single variable, and the compiler will magically access the value you meant it to.

Seriously? (ok, in a joke thread...) how can someone gat a CS degree with that impression??? - Brian Postow
Unfortunately, this is a true story. - scraimer
Wow. You might want to help your ditzy friend out...encourage them to learn assembly... - Paul Nathan
There are programmer out there that will simply ignore concepts like hexadecimal notation, and flail blindly at the keyboard until they calm down. - scraimer
totally believable. I remember a (male) classmate at Uni complain to the lecturer that "you can't take divide by a negative number!" - Jeffrey Kemp
[+8] [2009-08-15 21:09:05] abyx

Windows ME

LOL, this is funny. - Shawn Mclean
[+8] [2009-10-18 21:28:39] Danny Varod

An original of mine - The Software Uncertainty Principle:

You can either know what a application is doing or how fast it is doing it - not both.
You can not debug a program without affecting it.

Some bugs are like this, they disappear or alters their characteristics when an attempt is made to study them. Such bugs are called heisenbugs. - Pascal Thivent
This happens a lot when debugging properties, because the debugger actually calls the get accessor and you might have some code there that changes the state of the app. - Carlo
[+8] [2009-12-25 14:02:17] sangam

Work log of a programmer...

1.0 Debugged my wheeling chair...fixed the height, arms and felt easy

2.0 Downloaded three cups of coffee and tasted to see they compiled without error

3.0 Printed two copies of a document that explains why code are always full of bugs.

4.0 Surfed the net, jumped to inbox to see if the other guy regularly blogs

5.0 At the end of the day, checked the social site to know why people waste their time on social networking sites

3.0 Checked the bank account if salary has been transferred

4.0 Logged the work done

5.0 Shut down the pc

(3) 1 2 3 4 5 3 4 5 - Behrooz
He's right on, GOTO 2 - Isaac Lubow
[+8] [2009-12-10 15:22:50] Gergely Orosz

"Remember: there's no faster code than no code!"

[+7] [2009-12-11 14:35:13] Jauco

I read a lot of variations on the glass half-full empty joke. So here's my adaptiation of Terry Prattchets adaptation:

A pessimistic programmer will say that a glass is half empty.

An optimistic programmer will say that a glass is half full.

A Real Programmer® will say that the array is twice as big as it needs to be and call realloc().

A salesperson will say "Wait, you call this my glass? This is not my glass! My glass was filled to the brim! And it was a bigger glass!"

[+7] [2009-12-23 12:37:27] Dan

Recursion: Definition of recursion, see recursion.

(1) This is already a duplicate - Shervin
[+7] [2009-10-08 19:53:58] Johannes

Vista: virus infected system, try apple

[+7] [2009-10-08 16:51:53] Akash Kava

A Barber decided to do free hair cut for first time customers.

A Gardner walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy next day he sends free flowers to the hair dresser.

A Librarian walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy and next day he sends a free book to hair dresser.

A programmer walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy....


Next day 100 programmers visit the Barber shop.

Not got. Why 100? - Jeffrey Kemp
Well programmers starve for free things, they want everything for free, and they dont want to give anything to anyone for free !! And they are connected through msn,yahoo etc, so it spread fast. - Akash Kava
hahahahahaha.... free forum, free Q&A (not QA) free downloads free scripts everything huh...? - sangam
[+7] [2009-08-27 12:41:33] Ramesh Vel

Interviewer at the end of the meet : Do you have any other queries..??

Our programming guy : ofcourse, select * from....................


Ramesh Vel

(1) "No, but I do have some DML..." - Jeffrey Kemp
SELECT * ? -> You are out! - ralu
[+7] [2009-08-19 14:14:50] ephilip

Pro'gram'mer n. An organism that converts caffeine into code.

Based on Erdos' quote that a mathematician is a machine that turns caffeine (possibly and cigarettes, I don't remember) into theorems... - Brian Postow
Huh. I thought my job was to turn caffeine into profanity. - Tommy McGuire
[+7] [2009-08-27 21:29:42] community_owned

Programmer's son asks his father: Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? don't touch it.

(1) already posted... - DisgruntledGoat
[+7] [2009-08-14 14:59:57] TestSubject09

alt text

...not exactly a written joke, but still really funny.

Do you know what was actually said? - Lucas McCoy
[+7] [2009-08-16 17:09:30] community_owned

A (male) mathematician and an engineer appear in a room. There are two other things in the room, as well. A gorgeous naked woman standing opposite the men; and god.

God says, "You can move half the distance to the woman as many times as you'd like."

The mathematician shakes his head and says, "What's the point? We'll never get there."

Then the engineer immediately covers half the distance and says, "I'll get close enough for practical purposes."

That's a duplicate. - sth
[+7] [2009-08-17 05:11:19] Saeros

Software Development Cycles

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
  6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  7. Users find 137 new bugs.
  8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
  13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

(1) Duplicate. - Michael Myers
[+7] [2009-05-15 11:34:19] Vinnie

I recollect reading this somewhere:

“I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…”

[+7] [2009-05-29 16:08:44] Ivo Danihelka

Go the extra mile. It's never crowded.

[+7] [2009-05-30 20:22:01] Jason

IEnumerator? I barely knew her!

(3) I work a lot with .NET and I don't get it - Jader Dias
[+6] [2009-05-30 20:47:02] Kevin D.

Bill Gates and Marc Andressen (from Netscape for those who don't know) die and go to heaven. Peter meets them and announces that they will get stabbed with a needle for each major bug in their browser software. First it's Marc's Turn: "In Navigator 1.0 there was a big security hole" PRICK! "In Navigator 1.1 you couldn't empty the cache" PRICK! Marc rubs his butt and looks around: "Where did Bill go?" Peter says in reply: "He's just being clamped into the sewing machine..."

Wow. Maybe this should say "hell" instead? - Nathan Long
[+6] [2009-05-12 20:47:50] Jonathan C Dickinson

Two threads are fighting over a stack of papers.

The one says to the other, "Take these copies and fork off."

[+6] [2009-05-17 15:29:51] backslash17

There are two things in life that you can't live without them: sex and bandwidth, and there is people trying to survive without the first one.

(1) sadly ... (ok15charkthxbey) - hasen j
in Iran if you cheat for ISPs and your BandWidth Exceeds 128KB/s=16KByte/s the government will arrest you and execute you as a spy. - Behrooz
[+6] [2009-04-27 00:11:47] Imageree

"If you can read this, thank a Software Developer." - Joseph M. Abou Nader

"A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, "Mind if I join you?"" - Anonymous

"Software is like sex: it's better when it's free." - Linus Thorvalds

"I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool." - Joseph Costello

My website - has lot of quotations about programmers, software development and computers. Here is a link to some funny quotes:

[+6] [2009-04-23 03:23:11] Chad Grant

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just declare darkness™ a standard.

(Funny, but not a MS hater)

[+6] [2009-03-28 00:24:34] ChristopheD

This (long but great) joke in one of its reincarnations is one of my favourites: ( Did not see it posted in this thread yet...

I'll post the start of the joke, you can read the rest at the URL above...


There are four major species of Unix sysadmins:

1. The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, and maybe also perl.

2. The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.

3. The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.

4. The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers


1. Low Disk Space

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.


# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;


# cd /home
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress

2. Excessive CPU Usage

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.


# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`


# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

3. New Account Creation

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."


# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
Root Disk Fails



[+6] [2009-04-02 21:01:06] Andrei Vajna II

Here's a personal one:

Programming really is like practicing magic. But C++ is a broken staff.

[+6] [2009-08-16 19:56:43] George Profenza

This one I know from a friend that studied Automated System at the Polytechnic University in Bucharest.

'A man his robot wake up one morning. While the robot was preparing breakfast the man couldn't help notice the robot wasn't feeling fine.

not the best, but probably the only programmer joke I know. ^_^

(11) "It's okay, Bender, there's no such thing as two." - Corey
(2) - mk
[+6] [2009-08-15 22:11:38] user130444
My life is a while
inside a C file
that does not compile
and it also has a for
that always dumps core

[+6] [2009-07-12 16:12:41] Rich Seller

There are 10 types of people:

*in base whatever

I only count 8 ;) - Arcturus
(1) @Arcturus, read the last bullet again - Rich Seller
All your base are belong to 0s - Windows programmer
Oh no! Someone ruined this joke by adding numbers at each bullet. Someone should remove the numbers... - Alderath
[+6] [2009-06-17 06:28:16] Gyom

It's not funny when my keyboard brea

[+6] [2009-06-15 11:22:06] Thorsten Dittmar

If two people enter the elevator and three people get out on the next floor, one person must get in so the elevator is empty.

EDIT Fixed spelling bug

(1) nope.0xFFFFFFFE people should get out. - Behrooz
[+6] [2009-06-06 00:24:45] TokenMacGuy

Not really a joke, but every time i'm having pointer problems on a linux machine I giggle.

(~/) $ cd /dev
(/dev/) $ cat mouse

[+6] [2009-09-03 10:02:02] Cshah

A great one liner about why a company shouldnt hire consultants. "Dont hire consultants. They steal the watch from you and tell you the time". Not sure how true that is. :)

they steal your watch and then demand you pay them money for telling you the time. - SF.
[+6] [2009-09-08 16:06:54] physis

Mark Twain's remark about quitting smoking [1] always remembers me of the standardization of LISP:

I cannot understand why people say it is so hard to plan a standard LISP dialect. This task is very easy, I have already planned a dozen ones.


[+6] [2009-09-28 05:53:57] leeborkman

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Ouch. And I still use my Newton, too... - staticsan
[+6] [2009-08-18 03:45:01] travis

I have add Gob's program from Arrested Development:

Gob's Program: Penus Penus Penus etc...

"What is it Michael? Are you a robot? Don't you have enough RAM for feelings?"

GOB said that to Michael? LMAO, what episode? - Carlo
[+6] [2009-08-17 10:44:23] George Profenza

Heap Heap Array !?

[+6] [2009-10-04 06:24:40] viatropos

I was lying in bed after a crazy birthday, and, there being no place open to eat, everyone was trying to figure out a good delivery place. I said "I want some internet food", not wanting to move.

My girlfriend said, "How bout some MegaBytes?"

She's hates computers, it was hilarious.

True story? Funny nontheless - Pieter888
[+6] [2009-10-20 23:02:33] Peter

This isn't mine:

["hip","hip"] //hip hip array

This is:

{cake => "chocolate"} //hash cake

[+6] [2009-11-15 07:32:35] MPelletier

Not a joke so much of a prank. When people would laboriously write down, on paper, the complete text of a BSOD and read it to me (because I've seen that!), or else give me any sort of memory error message with an address, I would answer straight away: "Yeah, that address is bad. It's one of them that never works. Shame you got there. Oh well..."

[+6] [2008-11-01 21:41:43] community_owned

This was actually funny back in the Jurassic:

Q: How many IBM mainframes does it take to do an arithmetic left shift?

A: 33. 32 to hold the bits and one to push the register.

[+6] [2008-11-07 18:15:11] baretta

The one about the programmer working on fifth floor, always be taking the elevator to the fourth floor...

(1) Not a problem for us European programmers, floors here are called Ground, First, Second... (0-based) ;) - Patrick McDonald
Patrick, this isn't true for all of the Europe... - Paulius Maruška
yea Paulius, actually i can't see this is the case in Scandinavia at least.. Its a funny thing to do, almost did it myself once:) - baretta
I once lived in a building with floors M,P,E,0,1,2,3,...15. Finding the correct floor to exit from was always an issue for guests. - Danny Varod
[+6] [2009-02-21 18:31:25] fmsf

I told this to my girlfriend today under a discussion, might fit here.

"Every time you open your mouth what you say starts in a catch a and ends in a finaly!"

I just understood afterward that she didn't understood what i was trying to say with that sentence.

(1) reference to the Try catch finnaly - fmsf
(2) Can't she say anything that doesnt make you unwind your stack? :) - NTDLS
[+6] [2009-02-19 17:12:17] Webjedi

Programmer to friend looking at attractive girl at a bar: "If she's half as cute when she's twice as close, from four times the distance away she'll be twice as cute."

I'd say your math is off, but in any case, she can't ever be more than a ten. - TokenMacGuy
[+6] [2008-12-02 20:27:14] community_owned

Bianry Joke

01010101000101111001010101010101010110101010101010000101111 11010010101010101010010101010101101010101010101010100010111 100101010101010101011010101010101000010111111010010101010101 010010101010101101010101010101010100010111100101010101010 1010110101010101010000101111110100101010101010100101010101 101010101010101101010101010100001011111101001010101010101 001010101010110101010101010101010001011110010101010101010 1011010101010101000010111111010010101010101010010101010 010101010101010100010111100101010101010101011010101010101 00010111111010010101010101010010101010101101010101010101010 1000101111001010101010101010110101010101010000101111110100101 01010101010010101010101101010101010101010100010111100101010101 0101010110101010101010000101111110100101010101010100101010 101011010101010101010101000101111001010101010101010110101010 10101000010111111010010101010101010010101010101101010101000000000000000002

(1) I was about to paste this in a binary 2 ascii translator until i saw the '2' at the end. - Bolt_Head
This makes me think about Bender and his travelling back in time :). - Swim
I thought 2 was the guy's notation for end of signal. I would have used Z myself but hey. - Joshua
(1) -1 Duplicate, also you told it wrong. - Andrew
thats not a joke, its a nightmare! - iamserious
[+6] [2008-12-30 04:23:22] community_owned
A programmer started to cuss
'Cause getting to sleep was a fuss   
  As he lay there in bed  
  Was looping thru his head:  
{while(!asleep()) sheep++;}

Dude, I bout died laughing on this one! - NTDLS
(5) This is a dupe. Vote up same answer instead of re-answering. - Tim Matthews
[+6] [2008-10-24 17:14:12] RoadWarrior

Programming in C is like fast dancing on a newly-waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.

C combines the power of assembly with the flexibility of assembly. - Guge
(1) Not to mention the code-readability and user-friendliness of assembly. - Mason Wheeler
[+6] [2008-10-24 15:53:58] dove

There are 2 types of people.

Those who understand binary; those who don't; and the ones who understand ternary.

(1) What about those that understand binary AND ternary? - TM
(2) this feels recursive - chakrit
In need of some Boolean operators. - takua108
(1) I think this would be best saying "there are 2 types of people" then list those three" - thecoshman
@thecoshman nice one, that'd work better and will give it a spin. - dove
@dove oh do tell me how it goes down! </smug sense of satisfaction at being a bit of a sarcastic git> - thecoshman
[+6] [2008-10-24 17:39:49] Ryan

Yosefk did three great ones a while back on his blog [1]. This one's my favorite:

When I tell it, I usually introduce it with "This joke's about programming, but it's also about a plumber"

An airplane lands, and passengers come out. One of them notices a guy underneath the airplane. As you’d guess, the guy is a plumber. The plumber touches some lock, and immediately gets covered by excrement streaming from an opening at the bottom of the plane.

The next scene should really be a small piece of pantomime, but I’ll have to get by with words alone. He slowly sweeps his right hand over his left arm, then the left hand over the right arm, and shakes his hands. The Passenger exclaims...

Passenger (appalled): What on Earth makes you keep this job?

Plumber (proudly): Hey, I’m in the aerospace business!


(1) Another version of that joke has the punchline, "What, and give up show business?" - Robert Rossney
[+6] [2008-10-24 23:31:32] Ferruccio

More of a pun than a joke:

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

[+6] [2008-10-25 18:07:41] RoadWarrior

Compiler message you don't want to see #42:

Too many errors on one line (make fewer).

I remember getting this one before. - epochwolf
Doh! why didn't i think of that before! - Justin Meiners
[+6] [2008-10-26 10:45:53] Invisible Coder
return your_job++;

Just before your_job got a raise, it went to the garbage dump.

[+6] [2008-10-28 07:06:44] dongilmore

Old programmer talking to young one: What do you mean you have to have an IDE? Why, in my day, all we had were ones and zeros, and that was on a good day. On bad days, all we had were zeros.

(2) We didn't even have zeroes, we had to use the uppercase o! - Guge
(2) Uppercase O? Tha' were lucky - we had to make do wi' bits o' string tied in circles! - user41591
I never understood why it would be zeros instead of ones. Most of Turring's work was devised in unary. - TokenMacGuy
[+5] [2008-10-27 13:35:59] AndyUK

First Engineer: "I was walking home one evening when I encountered the most stunningly beautiful lady riding a bicycle. She stopped next to me, threw off her clothes and said "it's all yours!" "

Second Engineer: "What did you do?"

First Engineer: "I rode off on her bicycle."

Second Engineer: "Yeah. Her clothes wouldn't have suited you anyway..."

(2) Told better already. - Dour High Arch
Redundant answers is not a problem. - Goran
[+5] [2008-10-25 18:09:25] RoadWarrior

Compiler message you don't want to see #41:

This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message.

[+5] [2008-10-25 18:04:07] RoadWarrior

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.

That's when you're starting out... but after that it becomes more along the lines of WTF? - chakrit
The lyrics goes this way: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH WTF!!! (Repeat if desired then fade). lol - Jronny
[+5] [2008-10-24 17:11:51] RoadWarrior

[Referring to a developer who's being very combative or anti-social]

In Klingon culture, your behavior would be considered the early stages of a mating ritual.

[+5] [2008-12-13 09:51:18] Aaron Digulla

I can't believe this one is missing:

"God save the Queen, 8, 1"

Am I too old?

(1) You need to have owned a C64 with a 1541 to understand that one. :) The save command would accept two options: The drive (1=tape, 8=floppy) and the mode (0=relative(default) and 1=absolute) - Aaron Digulla
(1) you're not too old, but very nerd. - Adriano Varoli Piazza
I think you're going to have to explain that one. At least to me... - gkrogers
"God save the Queen" is a popular sentence in the UK. In this case, it says "God can save the Queen on a floppy disk" which simply doesn't make sense but puts a grin on the face of any C=64 user ;) - Aaron Digulla
C=64 will never die - Neil N
[+5] [2008-12-23 18:55:37] community_owned

From a Dilbert cartoon, roughly from memory
PHB: Management says we need more unix programmers.
Dilbert: I already am a unix programmer.
PHB: If the company nurse stops by, tell her never mind.

link text

Actually, PHB said they'll need more eunuch programmers, and Dilbert asks him if he means Unix. - OregonGhost
Actually, PHB says, "We need more eunech programmers". Dilbert says "I think you mean Unix programmers", and the PHB says "If the company nurse stops by, tell her never mind." - gkrogers
I don't get it, why "never mind"? - alamodey
Because he funcked up the joke and now it not funny anymore. - Tim Matthews
No it is intensely funny. - ojblass
[+5] [2009-02-22 02:35:42] Uros Dimitrijevic

BASIC programmers eat Dim Sum for breakfast.

[+5] [2009-01-20 14:43:30] Tommy

Lisp joke: My other car is a cdr.

Perfect for a sticker on the car. :)

[+5] [2009-02-03 21:03:26] Przemek

Can you C#?

(1) I heard it as a music joke: "It's icy out--you'd better C♯ or you'll B♭!" - Michael Myers
[+5] [2008-11-03 06:18:52] LANE

Hello World is cross platform chapter

[+5] [2008-11-28 13:34:53] user41591

Possibly apocryphal story: the first COBOL compiler for Unix systems was called RM COBOL - allegedly the people at the stand in the first trade show wondered why the attendees found the name so amusing...

[+5] [2008-11-25 08:31:05] mapleoin

A programmer on his way home finds a talking frog: "I'm a magical princess turned into a frog. Kiss me so that I will return to my natural form and we may live happily ever after." The programmer picks up the frog, looks at it for a while and then puts it in his pocket. Angrily, the frog starts shouting out of his pocket: "Why don't you kiss me? Surely you have never met someone as beautiful and rich as a princess before. This is a unique opportunity for you." To which the programmer responds: "I'm a programmer, what use do I have for a girlfriends? Now a talking frog... that's something else..."

[+5] [2009-10-22 00:59:20] Paul Sasik

A group of managers, mechanical engineers and programmers are swooshing down a mountain in a sleigh. Suddenly the sleigh buckles and crashes, spilling everyone who was on board.

Soon after they shake themselves off the managers announce that they're going to form a committee to investigate the cause of the crash and how to avoid it in the future.

The mechanical engineers start pulling out their screwdrivers so they can begin analyzing the sleigh to see what went wrong.

The programmers just want to push the sleigh back up the mountain to see if it will happen again!

[+5] [2009-08-16 14:14:52] Yardboy

DOS joke...

Who is this "General Failure" guy, and why is he reading my hard drive?

I think kernel OK works for this guy. - Bratch
[+5] [2009-08-27 17:20:10] klochner

Not a joke, but a great bumper sticker seen on the car of a University of Michigan AI faculty member:

"My Other Car is a CDR"

whats CDR? does it have to do with scheme? i dont get it - Shawn Mclean - klochner
[+5] [2009-08-23 20:33:32] John Lockwood

A programmer is walking along and finds a frog on the side of the road. The frog says "Hey, you! I'm a beautiful princess. Kiss me and I'll turn human and be your hot girlfriend."

The programmer picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket.

A few minutes later the frog shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear me? I said I was a beautiful princess! If you kiss me I'll turn human and be your girlfriend!"

The programmer says, "Nahh -- I'm a programmer, I really don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog -- that's pretty cool!"

(8) Duplicate at least three times over. - Michael Myers
[+5] [2009-09-17 09:45:46] Irfy

SO - error when trying to post an answer, but they check you are a human, and when you complete there test this is what you get: "Oops! Your answer couldn't be submitted because:

body is missing "

[+5] [2009-06-09 21:07:06] Eric

Chuck Norris’s programs are always one word - work - and they do

Chuck Norris does not need to click on "remind me later" at the Flashplayer updater. Because the updater is too afraid to ask.. (Norris has Flashplayer 7) - Mike
[+5] [2009-06-12 15:08:56] OutOfMemory

There are 10 kinds of people in the world... those that understand trinary, those that don't and the ones who confuse it with binary

[+5] [2009-05-02 09:07:21] ojblass

I like to misquote Jerry Maguire [1]

"You had me at Hello World"


aawwwnnn ( ....... .) - OscarRyz
[+5] [2009-05-02 10:01:18] joeytwiddle

There was a computer scientist walking down the sidewalk when he noticed a frog hopping up and down in front of him. When he got close the frog suddenly spoke: "Help me I am a beautiful Princess but I have been turned into a frog by an evil witch!"

The computer scientist picked up the frog and put it in his pocket, then continued his walk to work.

The frog piped up out of his pocket "I am a beautiful Princess and I have wealth and riches. If you kiss me and break the spell we can be married and you can rule my kingdom." but the computer scientist ignored the frog and continued walking along.

Eventually he reached his lecture hall, and took the frog out of his pocket. The frog looked at him and asked "I have offered you riches, and my kingdom, and marriage to a beautiful Princess. Why won't you help me?"

He answered "Well I'm a computer scientist, so I'm not interested in girls, but a Talking Frog is Really Neat!"

Duplicate... but with so many answers, it's to be expected I guess! - TabbyCool
[+5] [2009-05-15 11:39:12] User

[+4] [2009-03-24 00:35:01] Carlo

if only you and dead people can read hex, how many people can read hex?

(5) That would make deae people who can read hex ... - soulmerge
(12) count me in. now only deaf people can read hex! - hasen j
That is a lot of people! or just one... - thecoshman
[+4] [2009-08-07 22:48:42] yelinna

"When I code I like to think like a computer. The problem is that computers don't think"

[+4] [2009-08-16 05:26:22] Amr

A developer finds out that his wife is pregnant so he gives his child-to-be a codename.

[+4] [2009-08-16 17:38:02] bashmohandes

An Engineer and a Mathematician found the magic lamp, the genie came out of the lamp and said, "I have a quest for you, can you see that hot chick over there, if any one can get to her by everytime jumping half the distance he jumped before, she is his.

The mathematician said this is impossible" and left.

After a while, he met the engineer who had a big smile on his face and told him "I did it", the mathematician said "WHAT, how it is impossible", the Engineer replied "Yes, but I got close enough to make it possible"

That's a duplicate. - sth
ooh, sorry I couldn't read the whole thing :) - bashmohandes
[+4] [2009-08-17 09:56:41] community_owned

010001010110100101100111011010000111010000100000011000100111100101110100011001010111001100 100000011101110110000101101100011010110010000001101001011011100111010001101111001000000110 000100100000011000100110000101110010001011100010000000100000010101000110100001100101001000 000110001001100001011100100111010001100101011011100110010001100101011100100010000001100001 011100110110101101110011001011000010000001000011011000010110111000100000010010010010000001 100111011001010111010000100000011110010110111101110101001000000110000101101110011110010111 010001101000011010010110111001100111001111110010000001011001011001010110000101101000001011 000010000001110010011001010111000001101100011110010010000001110100011010000110010100100000 011000100111100101110100011001010111001100101110001000000010000001001101011000010110101101 100101001000000111010101110011001000000110000100100000011001000110111101110101011000100110 1100011001010010111000100000

(1) Duplicate, except the other one was easier to read. - Michael Myers
011000010111011101110011011011110110110101100101 - Makach
(9) you are telling it wrong! - Brian Postow
(2) if it has some meaning, please explain it to stupid guys like me - Hagai L
(1) In ANSI: Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, Can I get you anything? Yeah, reply the bytes. Make us a double. - Brian
[+4] [2009-09-08 16:15:59] Moomin

It is not joke itself but nevertheless it is still funny :)

[+4] [2009-09-25 08:08:43] gath

Software programming is like sex, one bad decision and you end up supporting it in the rest of your life.

(1) This is a duplicate (see first page). - Danny Varod
[+4] [2009-10-15 21:59:13] SketchBookGames

Microsoft Works.


(2) This isn't a joke, it's a reality - Roland
(6) The first line was funny. But you delivered wrong when you added "really?" - Pieter888
Microsoft Works Suite. (read as "Microsoft works? Sweet!") - Dian
if = true then miracle = true! - Omair Iqbal
i kinda like it - MIkhail
[+4] [2008-11-23 14:31:18] Johannes Schaub - litb

Don't take it serious :)

date && sleep && look && talk && touch && access && open top && unzip && mount && yes && yes && join && fork && umount && kill && cut && shred

Wow.... that's ... ahem - aaaidan
you forgot a couple of fsck fsck - Eric
(1) oops. i see. feel free to put it where you want :p - Johannes Schaub - litb
[+4] [2008-11-25 14:17:19] Gilimanjaro

Q: What kind of modem did Jimi Hendrix have?

A: A Purple Hayes.

[+4] [2008-11-17 00:19:09] Boyan

SELECT * FROM Users WHERE Clue > 0

0 Rows returned

[+4] [2008-11-17 14:36:03] J Angwenyi

sp_helptext 'sp_helptext'

I ran the command and don't get the joke. sp_helptext is qutie an odd sp. - Joshua
It gets its own sp text. Just one of those recursive things that take time to be understood by new programmers! - J Angwenyi
[+4] [2009-01-22 12:41:09] MatthieuP

Picked from real life:

-The client was keeping on sending those presence packets.
-Until what ?
-True !

[+4] [2009-03-12 00:49:42] 42

A couple get lost in the fog somewhere in the north west. Happening upon a large wall, which the soon discover is a window, they began to pound on the glass while screaming for help.

Moments later a few faint faces appear behind the glass.

The couple yell, but the glass is thick. Neither side can hear the other.

The woman takes out her lipstick and draws on the glass:

"EW ERA EREHW" ('where are we' in reverse.)

The faces dissappear behind the glass and soon reemerge with a large sign that says:


The woman laughs and says, "Oh, we're in Redmond, WA, just outside of Microsoft's Headquarters"

The husband is amazed and asks how she could know that.

"Because", she replies, "the answer to my question was so worthless and unhelpful that it could only be Microsoft."

(2) Actually, it should be "technically, the answer is 100% correct but completely worthless and unhelpful ..." :) - Aaron Digulla
[+4] [2009-01-14 21:31:12] Mason Wheeler

True story:

We had some very heavy snow a few weeks ago, and when I got in to work I got an email from a coworker:

"in case you have not been watching the news, the pd is asking people to stay clear from the peripheral roads unless completely necessary.

i will be doing just that and recommend you do the same.

many of those roads are not being plowed to the point that we are not getting bus traffic or even garbage collection."

That might have been useful to me had I received the email before I left, but it didn't come in until after I actually arrived at the office. So I wrote back:

"Meh. I'll be fine. I'm a Delphi coder. A lack of garbage collection has never scared me."

(2) But your keystrokes will never reach RAM without bus traffic. - Windows programmer
laughs Not bad! - Mason Wheeler
[+4] [2008-12-11 07:35:45] jumpinjackie

Syntatic salt is bad for the colon

s/:/;/but_ignore_trailing_garbage_required_by_SO - Windows programmer
What do you think of syntactic sugar? - Tim Matthews
Syntactic sugar is bad for the semicolon? - OscarRyz
[+4] [2008-10-24 17:39:53] Michael Easter

Two Hibernate POJOs walk into a bar. On the dance floor, in plain sight, they start to merge. The bouncer walks over and shouts "Hey, yooz two... get a persistent context!".

[+4] [2008-10-24 17:36:03] RoadWarrior

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.

[+4] [2008-10-28 07:46:18] Touko

Quite nice one is "The Evolution of a Programmer", found at many places at the Internet, for example here:

[+3] [2008-10-27 06:39:27] Binny V A

One of my older posts - link text [1]


[+3] [2008-10-24 17:37:41] The Wicked Flea

The company secretary took out one of the programmers for a drink, so they walked into a bar. You would have thought that one of them would have seen it!

[+3] [2008-10-24 17:56:49] RoadWarrior

Some days the StackOverflow membership sounds just like a flock of ducks trying to out-honk a Mack truck, but getting cut short tragically as they all fly into the front grill.

[+3] [2008-12-02 16:46:12] community_owned

A rails applications walks into a restaurant and starts talking to the server. The server looks out the window then says "We don't serve your kind here".

[+3] [2009-02-11 08:53:45] mikelikespie

points at whiteboard and say it's already written in whitespace

[+3] [2009-02-02 18:07:21] Matias

A: hey, can I ask you something? B: yes, you can. A: SELECT * FROM

[+3] [2008-11-18 18:14:09] Technobabble

Every time my allergies flair up, I remind my peers:

"There's nothing worse then a programmer with a bad code."

[+3] [2008-11-23 14:11:43] Ricardo Cabral

How To Write Unmaintainable Code [1] contains tons of it.


[+3] [2008-11-13 04:47:44] Terry Lacy

If architects built buildings the way programmers write software, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

[+3] [2008-11-01 21:23:37] Will Glass

This one is best told leaving out the last line.

Why did the computer programmer die in the shower?

He followed the directions on the shampoo bottle!

(lather, rinse, repeat)

Great one! Wish I'd posted it! - Adam Liss
Repeat, someone already did. - AdamBT
Redundant answers is not a problem. - Goran
(1) Ah, well. With 165 answers hard to be fresh. At least I tried. - Will Glass
[+3] [2008-11-25 21:34:46] community_owned

ASCII stupid question and you'll get a stupid ANSI.

[+3] [2008-11-25 22:29:42] cookre

There are two things I want to do Before this life is done. They're write 5 lines of APL And make the buggers run.

[+3] [2008-11-26 06:09:59] community_owned

"A foo walks into a bar," sed awk.

[+3] [2008-11-25 18:20:46] community_owned

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but you will never change it back again.

[+3] [2008-11-25 12:29:02] community_owned

Heard on a room with 2 programmers experts on secure coding:

"Security is not a process, it's a thread!"

[+3] [2008-11-25 16:14:17] community_owned

Did you hear about the programmer who was found drowned in her shower? She was found holding a bottle of shampoo. On the bottle were the instructions "Lather, Rinse, Repeat"

(1) This is a duplicate. - Ghommey
[+3] [2009-10-19 17:27:42] Cylon Cat


Who's there?


ATM who?


(1) "NACK" is a "negative acknowledgement", a very old communications protocol for "I don't understand". NACK usually forces a resynchronization or renegotiation between end points. ATM is "Asynchronous Transfer Mode"; a couple of decades ago it was a relatively high-speed packet technology that lost out to other technologies. Yes, this joke is obscure. - Cylon Cat
[+3] [2009-10-20 17:46:36] hasen j

Some programmers never learn. The following illustration depicts a delightful beach on a Caribbean island, a few seconds after the following line of code was executed:

Oh sh...

return strcpy(malloc(strlen(s)), s);

took me a while to "see" the bug ... :S - community_owned
Strings are null-terminated: strlen(s)+1 - Time Machine
[+3] [2009-08-21 14:33:23] Cagdas Altinkaya

A : If there is a limit to the amount of information that can be stored/represented in the universe and all of it was allocated for a giant integer register, what is the largest number such a register could hold?

B : -1

(from reddit [1])


(1) this is a really good one for the bit-flipping geek in all of us :) - San Jacinto
need some clarification - Jus12
@Jus12 the first bit in a signed integer is set to 1 when the integer is negative. The highest possible negative integer is -1. - Time Machine
[+3] [2009-08-21 19:43:02] community_owned

There's no place like

(4) It was funny when I heard it in 1995 - Sam
(1) It was also accurate then. - CodeFusionMobile
(2) Its not funny when this is like the 3rd post of the same joke. - Shawn Mclean
what about http://localhost/ ? - arik-so
Or ::1 for that matter. - Christian Mann
[+3] [2009-12-22 11:30:34] knoopx

A spanish one, refering to a product known as Bocabits [1]:

¿Qué hacen 8 bocabits? Un bocabyte


[+3] [2009-08-17 10:24:08] community_owned

A few oneliners on T-shirt and sticker from :

There's no place like

I failed the Turing test

go away or I will replace you with a simple shell script

[+3] [2009-08-16 10:30:26] community_owned

A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'

(5) duplicate of… - yairchu
[+3] [2009-08-16 10:59:24] community_owned

This is more of a generic geek-joke and I couldn't overcome 15 pages of jokes to see, if it's already been written.. But here goes:

In war time, 2 soldiers are captured by the enemy. In peace-time, one of them happens to be a physicist whereas the other is a mathematician.

They are placed in a room and tied to each their chair. Across from them - approx. 10 meters - sits a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The soldiers haven't seen their wives for months, so as the hours go by, they start to feel desire for the woman.

An enemy officer enters and explains to them:

"If you tell me where your base is located, I will let you go. If you don't, then, for every 5 minutes, I will move your chairs, so you are exactly half as far away from the woman than before".

The mathematician: "This is unfair! None of us will never reach the woman!"

The physicist: "For all practical purposes, I will be near enough in 2 hours.."

(9) 2 Hours? He needs to be half a micron away? Just what is he planning to do that requires being that close? - scragar
(3) lol scragar :) Good point, although you just raised the nerd-alert bar to the red zone ;) - community_owned
[+3] [2009-08-16 06:04:13] community_owned

Why the programmer get stuck in the shower?

Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

(1) Duplicate at least three times. - Michael Myers
Also, if you rinse before lathering, there will be nothing to lather! :-P - TabbyCool
[+3] [2009-08-15 21:26:51] community_owned

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

(1) Duplicate. - Michael Myers
[+3] [2009-08-15 21:12:07] mvalente

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Lightbulb is a class with method screw() so it can screw itself.

[+3] [2009-03-16 17:36:02] Swim

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

hahahah! But ewwwwww! hahahah! - SirDemon
(1) Just be glad he wasn't required to show his work! - Swim
(2) You've got it wrong, "The constipated mathematician who broke his slide rule had to work it out with logs" - TokenMacGuy
disgusting ..! BLEKGH! - hasen j
That one is so not funny, it's not funny. - Michael Myers
I thought it was an engineer. - Andrew
[+3] [2009-04-11 02:39:49] Todd Stout

What would happen if you ran lint on your belly button?

[+2] [2009-05-30 21:09:19] vobject

reparare scarabaeus ergo sum.

Scarabaeus = bugs? - Michael Myers
Yes, it should mean bug(s). Maybe "insect" could also work :) - vobject
(2) I fix bugs therefore I am? - docgnome
An adaption of Descartes' "I think, therefore I am" (Cogito ergo sum) - vobject
[+2] [2009-05-29 04:29:26] Assembler

It's the fragments from a dream of a bad telling of a bad joke, so it might need reworking later on, but something about:

"...the end of the world as foretold in Revelations , Fire and Brimestone, and the Beast and it's minions had surfaced from the lair under the earth's crust. Summoned by God Almighty to spread terror and destroy any lasting civilizations, any life that hadn't been worth salvation. The Beast called to the minions, planning how the world would be undone, communications were written and dispatched around the globe.

From up high, God watched on, noting the detail in the organisation, and was confident that all was to go as planned.

However, days, weeks, months passed, and finally God confronted the Beast. 'Why no progress? Such organisation, yet those who were not salvaged still work the earth! Why do you fail me?'

'Forgive me Lord, I have but permission to read and write.'"

[+2] [2009-07-10 15:42:57] community_owned

[+2] [2009-08-15 22:53:21] Thomas

Someone I used to work with calls bad tea "nil".

(stop me when you get it)

So once in a while he got a (not-so) nice cup of nil.

[+2] [2009-11-11 09:09:26] ultrajohn

I heard this somewhere, i think it's funny.

Question: Do you know what is the metric used in evaluating quality of code?

Answer: WTF/second. Always keep this value near zero.

(7) You heard it on XKCD - Oorang
It looks like an XKCD, but the origin is probably Thom Holwerda / FocusShift: - peterchen
[+2] [2009-08-21 19:49:04] Troy Moon

program, n.: A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. tr.v.: To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

[+2] [2009-08-18 18:00:12] community_owned

Guy and a girl are in a bar. The man bites his tongue, approaches the woman and says, "So baby, can I have your address?"

She replies, "&inyourdreams".

(1) isn't it: &inyourdreams; - Pieter888
@Pieter888 no, a memory address is different from an XML escape code. - Time Machine
[+2] [2009-08-17 18:46:57] community_owned

A computer science student walks into the lab during finals week. He needs to use a computer to finish his last C++ programming assignment, but all the computers are in use. As he's walking through the lab, scouting for an available machine, he sees a couple friends of his. He walks up to them and says, "Hello Steve. Hello Amy." They turn to him and say, "Hello Dan, how are you?" As the student glances around the lab, he responds, "I'm ok, I just need to find a computer to finish my C++ assignment for class." Steve looks at Dan and says, "Well hopefully you find an available machine soon, because you're starting to look a little ANSI."

[+2] [2009-09-28 05:49:18] Andrew Matthews

Two computers are walking down the street together. One turns to the other and says 'Why do you think everyone finds computers so boring?' the other computer turns to him and says...


I love this one! - Leo Jweda
[+2] [2009-10-08 19:27:53] Jader Dias
   // ... loads of code
catch (Exception ex)
    string nooooooo = "";

(18) Were you the guy who wrote this system I'm maintaining? - Alun Harford
@Alun this code is not mine =) - Jader Dias
@Alun but I saw it on production code - Jader Dias
[+2] [2009-10-09 15:22:05] john2x

C:/DOS ??? /s are UNIX. - Danny Varod
1. missing a backslash; 2. / are unix; 3. makes no sense either way. - ldigas
[+2] [2008-11-25 17:18:00] community_owned

Here's a whole collection:

[+2] [2008-11-25 05:13:08] community_owned

The other day I almost died of hypothermia. I bought a big family sized bottle of shampoo, and went to take a shower. Then I made a big mistake: I read the directions. It said "Lather, rinse, repeat." It took three hours before that bottle was empty.

[+2] [2008-11-28 12:50:51] community_owned
var arr:Array = new Array ("c", "h", "i", "c", "k", "e", "n");
var temp:Object;
for (i=0; i< arr.length; i++) {
    trace (arr)
    temp = arr.shift();

(chicken ticker)

(1) Could someone explain? - configurator
[+2] [2008-11-25 01:48:21] user34577

One day a programmer doesn't show up at work. And the next day. And next day. And the day after that. Finally friends come to his house. They found him in the bath looking at the shampoo label, reading -

"Leather. Rinse. Repeat..."

He would run out of shampoo before dying. If he had a good catch for EmptyBottleException, he would have survived - Samuel Carrijo
Or if he didn't, he might have crashed and taken a core dump in the shower, and that's not a pretty sight. - Christian Mann
That should be "lather" not "leather" ;-) - TabbyCool
[+2] [2009-02-06 01:28:06] gnomixa

what does LISP stand for: Lotsa Irritating Stupid Parentheses

it's a XKCD joke - unkiwii
(1) Believe me, that joke is way older than that. Long time before Internet existed I heard "Lotsa Insignificant Stupid Parentheses". - Stefan
It even has a french counterpart called "Langage insipide saturé de parenthèse" which translates as "Language Insipid Saturated with Parenthesis" - Eric
[+2] [2008-10-24 18:02:38] RoadWarrior

As a programmer of business applications, I live with the fear and knowledge that dark things are going on in the plumbing of components and libraries and systems - like so many strange subterranean slaves toiling in the bowels, secretly PUSHing and POPing and MOVing in registers.

[+2] [2008-10-24 17:21:14] Brent Rockwood

A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, "Mind if I join you?"

(1) Redundant jokes is not a problem - Goran
Redundant jokes is not a problem - Chaim Chaikin
[+2] [2008-10-24 16:39:24] Bloodboiler

Not a joke per se, but a supposedly true story full of WTFs.

Heard this told on This Week in Tech podcast (in all seriousness with no sarcasm) as a true story illustrating the awesome programming skills of Bill Gates.

A number of years ago Gates and some other major geek competed to see who's a better programmer. Their programming challenge was to draw circles. Gates used Basic. The other programmer used assembler.

Actually, it was several other top geeks. Each could choose their own development env. The assignment was to split the screen into four panels and display different things in each one. The assignment for three of the panels were text; the fourth panel had to have "circles of different sizes" (cont) - James Curran
Gates, using MS's lastest Basic offering at the time (QuickBasic or VB) won. Charles Petzold, using C, came in second. Other contestants used TurboPascal or C but didn't have a graphic lib with them. Charles used ".","o" and "O" as he's circles, so was able to do the entire thing in text mode. - James Curran
(3) and this is funny why? - Aardvark
Poster kind of missed the point. The joke was that the questions were rigged to reflect the most recent enhancements to the language Gates was using. - Kevin
I would have used a compass. - Laykes
[+2] [2008-10-24 16:00:25] Glen Lipka

[+2] [2008-10-27 01:16:19] dicroce

Did you hear the one about the programmer who's car got a flat? He spent the whole night starting and stopping the car trying to fix it.

The one I heard is how can you tell a field service engineer with a flat battery? He's the one changing each of the tyres in turn to see if it fixes it. - Mark Baker
(3) A programmer wouldn't be dumb enough to think that restarting actually helps. A windows user, however, would. - sebnow
[+1] [2008-10-25 19:54:35] Jouni K. Seppänen

My favorite is Henry G. Baker's I Have a Feeling We're Not In Emerald City Anymore [1] from Sigplan Notices 1997, where he explains why we have Ada.


[+1] [2008-10-24 17:53:44] RoadWarrior

I'm not sure that the ability to create UML diagrams similar to pretzels with mad cow disease is actually a marketable skill.

[+1] [2009-02-21 18:13:17] Deepak N

Best Example for Recursion::

Sign board:: OFFER $10 Only* ---> *Conditions Apply*

[+1] [2009-02-22 12:44:50] Amr ElGarhy

I liked this collection too much:

[+1] [2008-12-03 16:30:28] user41591

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword and the programmer too!

[+1] [2008-11-25 07:44:28] community_owned

Did you hear about the programmer who died of old age in the shower? He read the instructions on the shampoo bottle: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Who's been downvoting this? It's funny! +1 from me. - Mason Wheeler
(1) This one has been duplicated at least 5 times now. Save your votes for the one that's already on page 1. - finnw
I'd say about 7 times so far - Samuel Carrijo
It's on this page 3 times alone! - TabbyCool
[+1] [2009-08-17 20:27:34] community_owned

Q: What is the definition of "recursion" in the dictionary? A: "See recursion"

[+1] [2009-08-17 16:55:58] Boltimuss

While this may not be a joke per se, I thought it was a funny, if not corny, response. I was visiting my professor during office hours and he commented that he was giving the paper he graded a B- and replied, "why not give him a c++ ?" ... yeah.. pretty corny.. hehe

-3 really ...........? - Boltimuss
Don't worry, I like this one, I'm up-voting you. - Leo Jweda
hehe... thanks :) - Boltimuss
Wait... C++ would give B not B- take the minus away! - community_owned
C++ would give a D, not a B. - Christian Mann
not a D... I considered the grade scale to be similar to a musical scale where the spectrum would look like ... D ... D+ ... C- ... C ... C+ ... B- ... B ... and so on - Boltimuss
C++ wouldn't give a D, C is above D in the grading scale, so C++ is the same as B-, ie. the grade between C+ and B. - TabbyCool
[+1] [2009-11-20 07:28:48] Trần Khải Hoàng

How do you say I love you? alt text

(3) I'm Y you? (15 Chars) - Bobby
[+1] [2009-11-20 10:44:25] Dinang

If we have a programming language named Java surely we need one called Jolt

[+1] [2009-12-23 12:40:54] Dan

Q. What do you call a centrepeed with 16 legs?

A. A hexadecapeed

Don't get it... - Kinderchocolate
[+1] [2009-08-16 09:02:30] dermatthias

"You can only understand recursion if you know someone who understands recursion."

(2) Like that: To understand what recursion is you must first understand recursion. - Ahmet Kakıcı
(1) "You can only know someon who understands recursion if you know someone who understands recursion." - Jeffrey Kemp
[+1] [2009-08-17 04:31:49] Etienne Savard

LISP is the acronym for Lost In Stupid Programming!

(8) or Lost In Stupid Paranthesis! ;) - Etienne Savard
(2) rather Lots of InSignificant Parentheses - samuil
(2) Lots of Irritating Stupid Parentheses. - Brian Postow
Lots of Irritating, Superfluous Parenthesis - San Jacinto
[+1] [2009-07-10 15:58:20] stelmate

Definition of recursion: see definition of recursion.

[+1] [2009-06-28 09:07:56] Martin Dürrmeier

Q: How does a Programmer start a (internet) chat?
A: Ping

Sure not the funniest one but sometimes true

Reminds me of my old workplace and someone from marketing contacting programmers over instant messaging trying to level with - murrekatt
[+1] [2009-06-12 13:50:37] Martijn

This one's nice as well:

[+1] [2009-07-22 20:38:50] David

A 1 and a 0 are walking down the road.

1 says to 0, "I feel a little chilly."

to which 0 responds, "I'm actually feeling kind of warm, but I could be off."

I came up with this joke when asked this question on a survey one time. There are infinite variations you could make, all are sure to draw a groan ;-)

I'm feeling a bit off today. - Maxpm
[+1] [2009-04-11 19:48:45] SirDemon

After spending a night with Divine Brown, Bill Gates turns to her in the bed and says "I understand now why they call you Divine Brown. She turns back to him and says "And I now understand why you called your company Micro - Soft"

[+1] [2009-04-20 19:03:43] blizpasta

Q: Why was the first customer at a restaurant served last?

A: They took orders using a stack.

lulz . - acidzombie24
Is this supposed to be funny? - Leo Jweda
LOL! That made my day! - community_owned
[0] [2009-06-05 23:04:02] FerranB
-Hello girl, what is your name?


-Root, nice. And what is your password?

(6) Um...what? Is this a joke, or just an attempt to be the most surreal? - Beska
Given the gramatical error "Which is your password?" --> "What..." I suspsect it was a mistranslation and it was funny in the original language. - Colin Mackay
I wonder if they're going for Ruth/Root mispronunciation... - David Oneill
There are languages without the English "th" sound. German in particular has the spelling and not the sound. - David Thornley
[0] [2009-08-15 21:43:55] Gerosa

Programmers must always find balance in life: would use more CPU and less RAM or more RAM and less CPU?

[0] [2008-10-24 18:28:53] T.E.D.

I know I already posted one, but this is my favorite bit of computer humor ever. Whenever the network goes down, will often mention the name of Shub-Internet in a hushed voice.

I cribbed this copy from FOLDoC [1], which I think cribbed it in turn from the Jargon file [2].

Shub-Internet /shuhb in't*r-net/ (MUD, from H. P. Lovecraft's evil fictional deity "Shub-Niggurath", the Black Goat with a Thousand Young) The harsh personification of the Internet, Beast of a Thousand Processes, Eater of Characters, Avatar of Line Noise, and Imp of Call Waiting; the hideous multi-tendriled entity formed of all the manifold connections of the net. A sect of MUDders worships Shub-Internet, sacrificing objects and praying for good connections. To no avail - its purpose is malign and evil, and is the cause of all network slowdown. Often heard as in "Freela casts a tac nuke at Shub-Internet for slowing her down." (A forged response often follows along the lines of: "Shub-Internet gulps down the tac nuke and burps happily.") Also cursed by users of FTP and telnet when the system slows down. The dread name of Shub-Internet is seldom spoken aloud, as it is said that repeating it three times will cause the being to wake, deep within its lair beneath the Pentagon.

[1] http://Foldoc

[-1] [2008-11-14 20:07:20] J Angwenyi

Which archetypal personae are u? Mort, Elvis or Einstein?

[-1] [2009-09-27 05:03:03] Chintan Shah

Well,I am not so much expert in writing fun articles on IT.but,I tried one.I hope all of you like it.

Original Post [1]

Sons of Java, of .Net, my brothers!

I see in your eyes...

...the same fear that would take the heart of me.

A day may come when the Google may fails...

...when we forsake our Computers and break all bonds of fellowship.

But it is not this day.

An hour of BSoD and shattered Mobiles...

...when the age of Microsoft comes crashing down.

But it is not this day.

This day we fight!

By all that you hold dear on this good earth...

... I bid you stand, Men of the Computers!


[-2] [2009-08-16 18:29:23] mancaus

A medical doctor, civil engineer and computer scientist are in a bar, discussing which is the oldest profession. The doctor says "God took a rib from Adam and made Eve - a medical triumph. Medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer says "Ah, but before that from chaos God created the planets and stars. Engineering is the earliest profession." The computer scientist swigs his bear calmly and says - "But who do you think created the chaos?"

(4) That's a duplicate. - sth
[-3] [2009-05-12 17:32:47] thecoop

Q: What is the worst punishment that can be given to a programmer?

A: emousculation

(2) "If there isn't a keyboard shortcut for it, it ain't worth doing." - Jader Dias
[-4] [2009-04-09 20:18:48] NoCarrier

What do you call a webform that duplicates itself early in the year?

A febworm! (inward groan)

[-4] [2009-12-19 02:56:48] medopal

I am not sure it's posted already.

Q: What's worse than being slapped once?

A: Being slapped twice.

Q: What's worse than being slapped twice?

A: The universe gets stuck during it.

Confusing. Did you mean "get stuck"? - hstoerr
oh, this one of the very first answers on SO. :). Yea sorry for the confusion I fixed it - medopal
lol: currently -4 - not fair! +1 :) - VoodooChild
[-5] [2009-08-17 09:29:35] user58948

My teacher narrated this one:

A programmer once took his wife and kids to a park for recreation. Before coming back, he became extremely agitated when he counted his kids over and over again to make sure there were five, but he only counted up to four each time, without apparently recalling the missing one; he was beginning his count from 0!

The "This is a true joke" bit ruins it... - Sander
removed the "this is.." part - user58948
(1) I can see where this could become funny with some serious rewriting. But it sure ain't funny now. - Kyralessa
Kyralessa: Agreed - jmucchiello
(4) All programmers know that you only count to .Count - 1 - Danny Varod
[-6] [2009-04-11 19:15:29] Ash

There are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who don't.

(24) There are 10 types of people in the world... ones who get this joke and those that have regular sex. - ojblass
11 types actually as I'm getting both :P - Maciek
(1) -1 This is a duplicate - Andrew
(5) There are 10 types of people, those that write new jokes and those that rewrite old jokes. - Danny Varod
(1) ii read this joke 10 times . Note: here 10 is decimal. - nicky
[-6] [2009-12-04 06:14:56] ddou

Can anyone explain why Oct 31 == Dec 25?

We can't add jokes but seeing as this isn't a joke but a question I am going to add a joke I saw somewhere else but didn't see here.

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a ŵhorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

(3) Oct == Octal, Dec == Decimal, I'm sure you can figure out the rest :) - Si
you should've commented on the original joke, i didnt down-vote you though - medopal
Oct(31) = 1*8^0 + 3*8^1 = 1 + 24 = 25. Dec(25) = 5*10^0 + 2*10^1 = 5 + 20 = 25. ;) - arik-so
[-6] [2009-10-30 20:28:32] vehomzzz

"You don't go to DevDays to get laid"

[-7] [2009-11-02 03:17:41] Macroideal

Let's Keep-fit

。。。●      ●/〞  〝\●
 〝▔█▔〞   <█      █>
  / \    / \    / \
 1234 (turn left) (turn right)
 〝\●/〞  〝\●/〞    ●
   █      █    〝<█>〞
  ((      ))     / \
(relax ass)(relax ass)(take a breath)
  ●      ●      ●
  <█>    <█>   〝▔█▔〞
  / )〞  〝( \    / \
(bend leftleg and right)(again take a breath)
   ●      ●      ●
  /█\    ▔█▔    <█>
  / \    / \    / \
 1234   2234   3234

(11) I need a hint to understand. - Luc M
(2) It looks like a genetic algorithm producing children. (Hence the "fit" joke (fitness function)) But the formatting is a little messed up so it's hard to make out. - SauceMaster
I think somebody doing Exercise - YouKnowWho
[-7] [2009-10-26 12:41:11] cdv

Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?

A: Because that was her name.

Is that even a joke? What does it have to do with programming anyway? - TabbyCool
It's a play on words where "long" is a type and "distance" is the variables name. So it's referred to as "long distance" i.e. the name of the programmers mother. - cdv
[-7] [2009-08-16 07:53:59] nightingale2k1

Q: Why most programmers goes to hell ? A: because there are no bugs on heaven.

[-8] [2009-02-23 01:51:26] flashk

Your mom is so fat, the recursive function computing the size of her ass causes a stack overflow

(10) Somehow, there is a recursive 'your Momma' joke hidden in here, but it eluded you. - guns
(5) It made me laugh because it's so stupid. - titaniumdecoy
stupid, not a joke... - Devendra D. Chavan
[-9] [2009-07-15 12:44:35] crauscher

How many programers does it take to change a light bulb? None - It’s a hardware problem

(14) this is a duplicate. - Brian Postow
[-9] [2009-10-15 20:25:17] SketchBookGames

when you put 2 and 2 together, you get 22, if they are strings.

datatypes are important.

[-11] [2009-06-06 00:17:50] Trey

> cat crap

(1) why not cut crap - MattBianco
[-12] [2008-12-13 04:39:24] hmm

If it ain't broke, dont fix it

[-15] [2009-08-16 06:38:11] Waseem

"Dude!! you suck more than C++."

[-31] [2009-11-13 15:38:10] John GDB

Here is a good (original) one:

To all you CS masters, do you think that in Middle Earth, there is not only a Frodo Bugging, but also a Frodo Debugging ...

(I conceived this one after 10 hours GDB-ing...)

(2) what is frodo bugging - iamrohitbanga
frodo bugging(s) is a character from "the lord of the rings". - John GDB
(11) No it is not. Baggins is his name. - joseph.ferris
(10) too much brandywine? - Jeffrey Kemp
(4) Just terrible... - Irwin M. Fletcher
(7) lol @ rating of this joke. Made me laugh - Jus12
@WTFITS, same here :) - macek
terrible .. yeah! - MIkhail
lol... still making me laugh, -1 - vol7ron
-28, wow, I have a ways to go to get one of my responses that low. Down vote happy people unite. - theJerm
(1) @theJerm: I wish I could downvote your f*&^ comment. :p - VoodooChild
@voodooChild upvoted you comment, I like it. - theJerm