Meta Stack OverflowBest place to meet female programmers (for romance) ?
[+106] [34] Shawn
[2008-09-17 04:09:25]
[ discussion fun ]

In your experience, where is the best place to pick up female programmers? I have tried craigslist (strictly platonic), but I haven't really met any women I'd consider meeting in person. Most of them didn't even know the difference between AJAX and DHTML.

I have exhausted pretty much every online dating website, programming forum, and social network at this point. What's funny is that the only time I did meet a girl who was a programmer, I blew it. I was at a chess tournament and I met a female Ruby programmer but she found out I worked with VB.NET. I wound up getting cuckolded by a Lisp programmer.

As far as strategies go, I try to come up with a really funny joke to break the ice. "A SQL Query walks into a bar and goes up to two tables. 'Mind if I join you?'" If a girl (or guy if you are into that) doesn't laugh, I know right away they haven't worked with SQL. Maybe they're old school and know some assembly or whatever, but most programmers have touched SQL at some point and should get it.

So why am I still alone? I guess I'll just have to wait and C...

hahah, your in the wrong field to find women, every programmer should know that. - Matt R
(5) Why in the world did you post this here? - community_owned
(5) this is a serious question - Shawn
(8) dude, I had to go look up 'cuckolded' in the dictionary! did she really cheat on you after you got married? :) - Omer van Kloeten
Longest comment thread I've seen! I contribute! - community_owned
Obviously a fakepost but I'm tempted to upvote just because it's so believable. - community_owned
(10) +1 for the SQL query joke I'd never heard before!! Did you come up with that? Brilliantly bad :) - Matt Rogish
+1 for the joke too :) - mathieu
(18) "Most of them didn't even know the difference between AJAX and DHTML" - Believe me: it is not them, it's you. - Sergio Acosta
(12) Nobody has told him that programming is for work and for hobby, not for having a relationship with a girl!!!! Try not to be so freaky!!! Life is better than computers. - community_owned
(4) +1 for cleverness, and for the fact that it invited a couple of practical answers. - community_owned
(5) Why was this migrated to meta? Clearly this is not about the SO family sites. - Jonik
(6) It doesn't really belong on SO either: programmer related != programming related. - Joel Coehoorn
Looks like this question finally died. - Oscar Reyes
I call BS on this. This "question" reads like a poorly done jab at geek programmers, to see how many will take him seriously. Come on...the last two sentences of the second paragraph are like a who's who of geek references. - beska
(2) this shouldnt have been migrated. it was a little gem of SO history - Shawn
(15) You're probably still alone because you're too object-oriented. Treat women like people and maybe you'll do better. - Ether
86 upvotes, 55 down: a new record? - Ether
(1) @Shawn brilliant question, ask to migrate it to Programmers. - systempuntoout
No, this is not a question for Programmers. Do not migrate or ask it there. - Mark Trapp
[+71] [2008-09-17 17:08:21] Christopher Mahan

You go to parties. Friends' parties. Then you talk to people, nicely (listen, ping-pong -- you know: you talk, they talk, you talk, they talk) and they'll invite you to their parties.

Don't stare at women. Talk to them like human beings. The hotter they are, the more they will appreciate it.

Conversation starters: (assume the party is hosted by Jack) "Hi, I'm Joe..." She replies: "Hi, I'm Nancy." You then ask: "So how do you know Jack?"... go from there.

Remember, people LOVE to hear their name spoken by others to them. Also, ask questions about them, and let them talk, talk, talk. Stay focused on what they say. Acknowledge what they say with nods, smiles, and the occasional "really?".

Then, they will say of you: "Joe is really nice, and great at parties. Let's invite him again."

You will soon discover that women just like to talk. They are social creatures.

Rules of behavior at parties:

  • Don't get drunk.
  • Don't eat too much.
  • Don't say anything negative about anything.
  • Clean, newish clothing, freshly showered, well-groomed (if you wonder whether you need a haircut, you do)
  • Bring a gift to the host. (Unless otherwise stated: a $5-10 bottle of wine (no 2buck chuck--tacky) or a nice 6-pack of beer (fat tire is good for that))
  • When more than 50% of the guests have gone, it's a clue to leave as well.
  • If you want to trade contact information, do it with paper. Some women may be intimidated by the latest gadget. Paper is safer. The back of your business card is good. Write legibly.

Final piece of advice: if all you want is a booty-call, use a dating service, and be frank about what you're looking for. Don't mislead or there will be bruised feelings. And you don't want that. Trust me.

That's some fine advice there... my only trouble is I always get drunk. - community_owned
(16) "Don't get drunk" WHAT? - community_owned
(12) Friends? Can one eat it? - Georg
playing it so safe means you dont get no adventure! - Chii
It must be good advice, since the suggested beer tastes good. - Peter Ajtai
+1 for Fat Tire recommendation - IAbstract
[+57] [2008-09-17 04:20:57] paxdiablo

Why limit yourself to significant others that work in the same field? You may as well marry yourself. Women can be found everywhere, they make up more than half the population.

Exactly. Personally I've come to consider it a bit of a turn-off if a woman works in IT/software too. (Not too big one though if she's otherwise interesting :) - Jonik
(1) +1 for may as well marry yourself. - Troggy
[+42] [2008-09-17 14:39:51] ScottKoon

If a girl (or guy if you are into that) doesn't laugh, I know right away they haven't worked with SQL.

I think I've identified your problem...

(3) Was it about the SQL or about the "guy" part? - Cawas
[+24] [2008-09-17 13:43:19] community_owned

You're probably better off not finding a female programmer for a romantic interest. Everyone knows that women try to change a man's attributes once they start dating them. The risk of dating a female programmer is they know the mutator functions that can actually do so!

Sorry, stupid answer for me.. -1 - community_owned
+1 from me. Well and to the point. - community_owned
[+24] [2008-09-17 14:33:56] Keith Fitzgerald

Stop working in VB.NET! No chickie is going for that. You need a much sexier language.

(2) Python, at least! - Joachim Sauer
(9) Pretty sexy to me:--> Dim Boobs as double - community_owned
(14) Dim ProgrammerNerd as single - community_owned
Luckily VB has "Next" :D - community_owned
Touché! @Stefan - Martín Marconcini
Python the sssssnnnake! with DJ ANGO! yea baby! - DMin
[+19] [2008-09-17 04:16:22] Jerub

I met my wife at a regional LUG. We struck up a conversation because she was ignoring the meeting and was reading "Caves of Steel" by Isaac Asimov.

I started dating her a few months later, and we got married the year after. I've been with her for nearly 7 years now. She and I both work in IT, she writes ruby, I write python, and we don't bicker or have holy wars in the bedroom.

So yeah, go to LUGs. Meet people, marry them.

(21) Just be ready when you have a kid who is a Perl programmer. :) - Brad Gilbert
No, the true horror would be a C# programmer. That would be the most painful. ;) - community_owned
a Mono Kid Ninja ;) - Gishu
(2) @Brad Gilbert : Classic! - Mitch Wheat
[+15] [2009-01-21 03:33:49] Stefan

Just give the girl a copy of your web.config and point to the row that says:

<add verb="GET,HEAD".../>

Then see whats happens. I always stop scrolling and giggle for myself when I see that row in the web.config and so should also any right minded girl wanting to be my wife do.

(3) +1 I almost didn't comment for fear that I'd be ostracized for having a sense of humour :P - BenAlabaster
[+15] [2008-09-17 15:58:27] travis

I married a Graphic Designer. We have a nice balance of order and creativity in our relationship.

Plus, you'd have a much better chance of meeting a female Graphic Designer than a female Programmer.

(8) +1 if she has any single hot friends :-D - community_owned
@Dan: yes and yes ☺ - travis
(2) :D Post pics? Also, phone numbers? Hah - community_owned
[+13] [2008-11-24 16:39:25] Gishu

Jon Skeet's crib.. all the busty programmer babes are holed up in there... that's why you don't see any;) (Lil' John blaring... To the window...)

(6) Ugh. +1 Because you made me picture this hilarious scene, and that song is perfect for it. I feel shame. - e.James
Jon is married and i believe - he is monogamous. :) - Arnis L.
(4) Very much so on both counts. - Jon Skeet
@Jon - I thought being married was a binary function... how can you be very much married? >-) - DVK
[+12] [2009-03-05 14:33:48] community_owned

Computer pick-up line: "u and i are next to each other (on the keyboard)"

Yay, that works on Dvorak too :)

[+12] [2008-09-17 14:58:41] Scott and the Dev Team

I can't believe people are actually posting serious answers here. IMHO it is a funny satire on the romantic life of a programmer. Thanks to Jeff Atwood via Twitter [1] for turning me on to this hilarious question. I sometimes think we developers take life too seriously.


(4) to be honest, there are many people who need this kind of advice. What better place for this than a programmers-for-programmers site. Anywhere else and you open yourself up for ridicule. - community_owned
(2) I agree with Christopher. I'm not a "Don Juan" but I have no problem with women, but you wouldn't believe the number of co-workers/friends who have no idea how to even talk to a woman. They don't know what to do. They stack overflow. - Martín Marconcini
@Martin i still can't believe to that. Is it so bad? :/ - Arnis L.
[+11] [2008-09-17 14:14:55] henrikpp

what kind of projects are you working on? maybe you don't need another programmer but a project manager, or a QA specialist? i'm sure you'll be able to find a woman who can tell you what you need to do, or what you did wrong.

(15) +1 HAHAHAHAHA - Finding a woman that can tell you what you need to do or what you did wrong hardly narrows the pack now, does it? :P - BenAlabaster
lol omg, so true. I am sure woman enjoy that....are there project manager's out there trolling for a lonely programmer geek? :) - crosenblum
[+11] [2009-01-21 03:54:03] user131311

Sea world...... most female programmers are whales

[+10] [2008-09-17 21:34:36] shoosh

Try this one:

Two strings go to a bar. The bartender walks to the first asking "what would you have?"

The first string says - "I'll have some beerrrjkjjkio;sl909(00&&*&-#r%..."

So the bartender goes to walks to the other and asks discreetly "What's wrong with this guy?"

Then the second string answers - "Oh don't mind him, he's not NULL terminated".

(5) this joke may be a little tricky to pronounce when being told at a party - Marek
NULL (the pointer value) is not the same thing at all as NUL (the character value). - FredOverflow
[+8] [2009-01-08 10:48:19] peSHIr

I would suggest the wonderful book Dating Design Patterns [1]... ;-)


(2) Wanted to add: "And don't forget to post a question on StackOverflow" but then - recalled what I'm reading. - Arnis L.
[+8] [2008-09-17 15:44:00] community_owned

These guys are now your "friends" and if she's not impressed that you know that Hanselman is currently making out with a Zune while Ayende just finished writing that new killer distributed MVC framework that he started this morning then she doesn't deserve you.


(1) Epic win. Nicely done. - Scott Hanselman
[+7] [2008-09-17 14:14:29] izb

Most of them didn't even know the difference between AJAX and DHTML.

There's a difference between AJAX and DHTML?


(11) Duh, the letters! - community_owned
[+7] [2009-03-05 14:44:44] community_owned

This is the old build vs buy debate. If you're a coder, you know the answer: Don't waste your time trying to find an existing partner (the buy option), just build your own using your coding skills.

i like how you have reduced the question to 2 concrete, comparable choices to decide between - Shawn
[+5] [2009-03-05 14:54:26] community_owned

You have to publicize the API that turns you on. Caution: as an educated programmer, you're not supposed to expose your private parts! You should only be accessible through publicized getters and setters.

[+5] [2008-09-17 14:28:50] community_owned

My fiancee is a programmer by profession, and programming is generally the last thing she wants to talk about with me... Assuming a good proportion of other female programmers are similar, your selection criteria might be even stricter than they initially appear.

+1 for broadening your horizons a bit, I say.

[+4] [2008-09-17 14:37:51] community_owned

I was all about design until I met my current boyfriend and he's the one who piqued (maybe rekindled is more accurate) my interest in programming. Maybe she doesn't have to code to still be interested in what you do or in learning more about it.
Also, maybe conferences?

[+3] [2008-09-17 15:37:33] Eugene Katz

An XKCD meetup [1] may be a good place. Although it's more of a general geek culture, the chances of meeting a programmess are higher.


[+3] [2008-09-17 14:44:21] pinkeerach

i think this is very entertaining! the sql query joke is actually very funny in a goofy kind of way.

[+2] [2008-09-17 18:08:42] Chris Charabaruk

Create your own esoteric programming language. Women love guys who can create their own languages. Also, Eugene's suggestion of an xkcd meetup is a very good idea, and I totally recommend it.

There are also geek cafés these days (at least there are here in Canada) and gaming stores are another good place to meet geek girls, if you're not totally fixated on the notion that your love-to-be has to be a programmer.

thanks chris!!! this is great advice - Shawn
[+2] [2008-09-17 19:04:21] community_owned

You need to invent a romantic programming language to talk to her ;)

[+2] [2008-09-17 21:23:26] CAD bloke

You should get out more

[+1] [2008-09-17 21:27:08] community_owned

Computer pick-up line: "u and i are next to each other (on the keyboard)"

[+1] [2009-01-21 03:45:23] gnostradamus

Instead of trying to find a programmer chick, just find a chick who's into smart (read "dorky") guys! I think they are much greater in number.

Maybe it goes without saying, but you'll be more likely to meet these sorts of women in more academic-type situations (college/grad school, conventions of various sorts, etc.). My wife and I are outliers in that respect... we met at a bar on spring break, and we've been married for over 7 years now!

[+1] [2009-02-16 23:35:21] community_owned

Ouch. Some of the jokes are pretty lame.

My suggestion is read a good book on picking up chicks. Check out David D'Angelo. The trick is to talk about things that women like. Stuff that doesn't make any sense to us. Fashion. Celebrities. Surface topics with with little substance. Tease them and joke around a little bit. Lighten up. Don't be such an awful geek.

If you must, though (and one good thing about programmer chicks is that they make a lot of dough) why not take a programming class? Check out each one at the beginning of the semester, and go to the one that has the most babes. You will have better luck in the foreign language section, though. Better still, take up ballroom dancing.

[+1] [2009-02-19 07:40:56] community_owned

I've found that Programmers often marry nurses, I did and 3 other colleagues did to. All to the infirmiry :).

[+1] [2008-09-17 14:06:42] community_owned

I actually do not get why is Shawn receiving so many DOWN ratings. Do we have to be so damn serious about everything? :-)

BUT, as a word of advice, when talking to a female programmer (or a female of whatever profession), you'll be better off without any programmer jokes. In fact, leave any programming topic out of the game. The last thing I want to talk about with a girl are the class/interface/SQL topics I came across all day :-)

[0] [2008-09-17 14:19:28] community_owned

[0] [2008-09-17 18:46:03] lamcro

Why would you want a person in your own field? Have you even tried looking elsewhere?

Try sales/marketing. I married one.

[0] [2008-09-30 06:13:23] community_owned

Why is this question open but my question "Why is there less female programmers than male programmers in the field" got closed (and all my reputation lost)?